New Year New Beginnings

Tomorrow will mark the very first day of the first month aka: New Year's Day. I think everyone looks forward to this day because there is always a hope that something will change for the better, become better, and be different than what it is today. I can say that my credit card is still going to be the same tomorrow with maybe a little less on it, my children are still going to fight with one another, and I will still have dishes to do. I don't' look to the new year to be my saving grace because I already have that. I don't look to it to kid myself into thinking I am going to nicely squeeze back into my Pre-Preggie blue jeans by mid March, because I am still going to have that piece of cake and coffee after my meal with my friends :) I could name off many more things that I want to change, but just like healing it doesn't happen over night. I give myself grace to know that it doesn't happen instantly. Yes, Jesus healed instantly to some, but I think he knows that I am one that has to learn a bit slower. I am like a good crock pot...I have to simmer on low for awhile b/c when I go to boiling hot too quickly, my head nearly explodes with pride, so I have to keep at a steady pace. Maybe that is why he has planted me near water...I need to slow down, be still, and relax :)

I can't think of anyone stating New Year's Resolutions in the Bible, but God does say that he will give us the desires of our hearts. I don't think that means he will don me with a heavy new rock for my finger, but I do think he will help me to find a nice balance between school and house cleaning. I love date nights with my husband, so I know he will help us to find the opportunities to make that happen. But one thing that comes to mind that I haven't thought much about is being more intentional about my prayers for my husband and children. I see so many things in them that the Lord will use, but I have too do my part to be in tuned with God to know which is the best ways to steer them. (I am not trying to be the Holy Spirit for them, just staying in check so I can help them how He wants me to)

For instance : Emily is so sensitive and passionate about other people and is in tuned to their actions and heart. We were in a Chinese restaurant together and she asked if I thought the people that worked there knew Jesus. She wanted to make sure that they knew about them. When we prayed before our meal, she asked to pray and not only did she thank God for the food we were eating, but for the people who prepared our food! Did I mention she is only 5 1/2? I am not tooting my own horn b/c believe me, that is only the work of the Lord. There have been many days that I didn't know if she even cared about what I was teaching her, but today I saw a piece of that fruit bud pop out of my little one. Emily has so many qualities that God has given her that can be used mightily for him, but I believe that if I do not watch for the weeds that pop up and help her or pray about it those weeds could be become too much and choke out some of the things that have been budding. I also have to be sensitive to not being a weed killer either. Nobody likes to be put down or made to feel guilty for what they do and this is not an easy area for a dying Pharisee as myself :(

My prayer for the New Year will include some things like exercise b/c I need to be more healthy for myself and my family, and probably less refined sugar, but I don't think that is what the Lord wants me to focus solely on. I think He wants me to just "be still, and know He is God". I am praying that I will be intentional in prayer for my family and go beyond the " please keep us safe and healthy" line. I want to dig deeper. I want to see roots of unrighteousness pulled out and replaced with HIS fruit.

I am so thankful for this year and I am looking forward to next year. I can honestly look back over the last year and see a huge hand from God in my life. I am praying that I will be praising more and complaining less.

From my Hammock to your resting place: Happy New Year!
What do you want to be intentional about?

Keeping it to Myself

I have been mulling over why Mary would have pondered in her heart the wonderful event of having the Magi (or Wise men) in her home rather than sharing the good news with others. Can you imagine sweeping your front porch only to look up, and seeing several richly dressed men carrying very expensive travel bags along with their camels , and they are coming to your front door! They explain to this bewildered mother that they saw the star that shown to let it be known that the King of Kings had been born. They may have been worn and dusty from the trip, but their faces were shining as bright as the star because they found the house they were looking for that contained their promise they had heard about. Imagine how many nights they looked into the sky and said "Just a few more days, men and we will see the face of the son of God face to face!"

And think of Mary. What must she have thought as they arrived? Do you think she may have panicked a little because they could have arrived around supper time and she was trying to think of what all she could throw together in order to welcome these unexpected guests? Or do you think she may have possibly been over joyed that at just the right time, the Lord led the Magi to her home to bring her a renewed faith in that she was the mother of the son of God. Theology is not my expertise, but analyzing and letting my imagination run wild is. I have felt a little disconnected to Mary in that she obviously did not tell everything she knew as I have often done.

I have many times become too excited about something and the first thing I will do is to pick up the phone and call my mother or a close girlfriend. I usually tell my husband everything first, but I know that there is nothing like a woman to share shrieks and shrills with. What about Mary? Did she not feel so overwhelmed with joy to have such men of high honor kneeling to her small boy in her humble living room? The Bible does not say that she ran down the road to tell her mother, friends, or neighbors as soon as the camels kicked up dust; but that she simply "pondered these things in her heart." She received lavish gifts, but also gifts that had meaning of royalty, and even death. I think I would be wanting someone to help me bounce off ideas of all that had taken place or the possibilities of what they could have meant. But as I thought of why she didn't run and tell anyone, this is just a little of what came to my mind. These are my thoughts from my hammock and not a theology book...just my random thoughts.

1) What if Mary received so much criticism and gossip about her "immaculate" conception that she didn't feel safe to share any more info with others. When she first became pregnant we don't know if she told her mother, but we do know that she ran to her cousin Elizabeth's house and stayed with her for the first 3 months. She apparently felt connected and safe enough to tell her, but what about the others around her. I have found in my own life, sometimes it is better to let things roll around in my mind rather than "spilling the beans" about everything. Too much information can become used against the person telling, someone can get hurt, and words can become mixed. Maybe she wanted to keep those precious thoughts and words safe in her heart so that they could not be tainted by those who didn't believe as much as she did.

I don't know why Mary pondered in her heart, but I do know that it is a very good example for me to learn from in that it is not always best to share every detail about my life. I don't have to worry about what I say to the Lord because I know what I say is safe with Him.

In our home we strive to not show any favoritism of any kind to our children. However, others in our families or strangers do not hold to the same motto. So I have been batteling the green eyed monster in my home for the last 2/12 years. My daughter of course is the oldest and recieved so mucu attention and gifts because she was first in line. But when our little buddy came along, the gentle giant has been awakend! Becuase I have the opportunity to be the one who is mainly with the kids, I am one who sees the struggle that she has with this, and try to do and say what I can to help heal this wound in her. I have to admit that it is quite noticeable that people outside our little home do show favortism to my son over her. I don't know what it is. I think some people prefer boys to girls becuase they may find them easier to identify with. Some just find him so darn cute that they don't stop looking at him to notice her waving her arms trying to be "cute" to. Maybe it is the unusally blonde hair and blue eyes and I am so dark headed?? I don't know but all I know is that this momma cub gets offended too. I am not offended that people notice my child, but that I have 2, not 1. I have to watch the face of my precious daughter's heart sink when someone approaches us or we see family that say "hey little buddy!" and walk right past her. I know where she has been. I am no stranger to rejection. But what pains me teh most is that I tell her over and over that she is my number one girl, and I love her all the way to the moon. I give her many hugs, help her to speak up to the others so she is noticed to, but sometimes falls on deaf ears.

What hurts me the most is that it is not my sons fault becuase he is too young to understand what is going on, but she takes it out on him. She doesn't like anything that has to do with him becuase she is so jealous. I am out of words to speak at this point> I have faced this monster many months now, and I just don't know how else to respond to "well, I don't like him, I am jealous of him." We have talked about it being sin. We have tried to talk about how special God has made her. We have done special things for her and with her. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to say.

As I have been mulling over this situation it made me realize that I do the exact same thing to God. I whine and complain that he doesn't love me as much as so and so because they have a white cat and mine is striped. Or I have flat straight hair and not curly. Or I don't have the kind of feet that look good in sandals unless I am Fred Flintstones wife. It doesn't matter what God has gifted me with or given me or told me to do...I am a selfish creature, plain and simple. I am going to be jealous if I think I am getting jipped. I am not going to take it lightly if someone else is noticed and I am rejected. I am going to be just like my daughter and forget all the things he has done for me because I have my mind set on myself. What is the remedy for this problem??? I need to be thankful and tell it more often to God. When I am feeling rejected or left out, I should stop and recall all the blessings and promises that were given to me.

Now, if I can only execute this problem to my 5 1/2 year old :)

A gentle reminder

Yesterday I was able to spend the afternoon with a longtime friend by having a leisurely lunch where I didn't have to share my drink, with 4 little fingers picking off of my plate, all the while fishing for the crayons that were falling under the table into the abyss of restaurant under the table land...yuck! I never want to look at the floor that I am putting my clean hands into because I don't want to have to have my stomach totally turned. So I keep one eye closed and the other looking at the top of the table. It's totally denial I know, but I really like to eat out..so I keep up this game.

As we were eating and actually having adult conversation, I couldn't help to notice how she hasn't changed all that much since she had her baby. Her baby, (who was the cutest baby every in his little Santa hat!) is 6 weeks old. He is a good baby, and does nothing more that eat, sleep, poop, and smile. You could say he is a delightful baby of course. Before we left for the restaurant found myself envying what she had going for her. Everything in her home and car had it's place. Nothing was scattered around. Nothing seemed to be crazy and disorganized. Her home felt like a safe place. It is always very warm and inviting, and now with the baby just makes it seem even more home-y. She didn't look totally frazzled and stressed out. She took her time with what she was doing with him. She wasn't stressed about the holiday traffic or what she ordered to eat. She wasn't apologetic for wanting to eat something tasty, nor did she say "Oh, I really shouldn't have that piece of cake and decaf coffee...I need to loose some weight." No, she said, "man this nursing has left me famished, so I am going to eat up. Now mind you, my friend is not Miss Piggy, nor was she before or during her pregnancy. I think she has something that most women don't have: confidence in Christ. She doesn't apologize for caring more about just sitting in the floor with her new bundle and not running a load of clothes or thinking of all the ways to save the world. She knows the world is right there in her arms. She knows that keeping check on his next feeding is not a hassle, but a gift from the Lord. She has been blessed beyond measure to feed her son, so she is not worrying about what the world may be screaming at her about vitamins and who knows what else. She is not worried about missing out on the real world because she knows she has friends who are a cup of coffee and phone call away to help bring life to her when she runs out of steam.

In the presence of sitting with her I felt the meaning of motherhood. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control. I have unfortunately let the storms of life and the lies of the deceiver rob me of each part of the fruit of the spirit, but I am thankful that the Lord is faithful to grab hold of me while my sheep are still young. I worried more about having to appear that I was holding it together, or that my house was not going to look like anyone lived there but one person. Let me tell you something from the depths of my heart: I desired nothing more than to appear as though I had it all together and could do it all because I believed a lie that I was not OK. I thought by trying to control everything and make everything perfect I would be acceptable to other people because deep down I knew I was a wreck. God is sovereign in that he didn't let me have my way. He didn't let me have a new house that I could showcase. He didn't let me have a baby that only slept and ate. Because I was not surrendered to the Lord in different areas of my life, I was a very unhappy Mommy, and unhappy mommies make unhappy babies. My baby knew I was stressed. I would cry, so she would cry, then I would cry some more. By the time she was 2, she thought the way we were supposed to pray was face down in the closet and to be crying! Talk about some drama!!

God may have not given me what I thought was best for me, but of course he did way more than I could have ever imagined. He gave to me what I needed for each step. He has replaced the emptiness with his fruit.

He did allow me to give birth to a healthy baby girl that is on loan to me, and now a little boy. So as I watched my friend bask in the delight of her new son, I asked myself " am I going to let another day go by complaining and whining that my motherhood experience didn't go as I planned, or am I going to enjoy the little bear cubs that he has entrusted to me? I felt the Lord whisper to me "priorities sweetie...simplify the stuff you've got, so you can enjoy the gifts you have.

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young." Isaiah 40:11

Imitation Eve

I heard of this new website called Pandora.com where you can type in any music artist name and build your own radio station. It is really kind of cool, but I have always been curious as to what the phrase "Pandora's box" meant. As I googled Pandora, I found that Pandora was supposedly the first Greek goddess on earth, and who was given a special gift of a box that held many blessings for her had she not opened it. As you guessed, her curiosty got the best of her andshe opened it and found out what sickness and sadness were. As I read through the description, I thought "ha! she is an imitation Eve! Isn't it funny how the truth can become a lie in the shape of a unique name and a little box, hmmm??? It nerves me to read stuff like this because I know the truth, and my eyes have been opened to the truth, but there are so many that don't see the light as believers do. It sad to me because when I read that description it was like eating fake cheese...you know what I mean....you can tell when it is not Velveeta or Kraft. When oil is building up on the top like a water bubble and it breaks hard in half, you know that junk ain't real! Just like Pandora being and imitation, I knew where the real story came from, and I know who was really the first lady....do you??

It's not about me??

I sat down this morning to let all things be laid our before the Lord and to let it all out because I know nothing changes until I let Him change me. I think for a long time I have known who Jesus is, but this morning I found myself saying "Who is this Jesus?" I didn't say it this time with a snooty thought "So, who is this Jesus??" I have spoke of Him and even been teaching my children all about His love, while all the while I have been saying in the deep places "maybe for you, but not for me." Unbelief is a really hard thing to conquer, but the Lord was kind enough to guide me through HIS word and show me that I am wrong, and He is right. I found it interesting as I started through Luke to read the Christmas story and see if I can picture it better, understand it more, and put myself there at the scene that the Lord had better plans. I began to move from there back to Isiaiah where I have been going lately.

In going through chapters 44-49, I was greatly humbled at the words "There is no other god." In essence God was clearly saying to me gently "L, there is no other god that you can make that will ever equal what I am. You can make, and make, and buy other gods, but they won't last. They won't save you. They won't bring you peace. They are worthless. Did they stretch out the heavens with their hands? Did they allow their son to leave their royalty and regal position to be born to a poor young girl who did not appear to have any family status? And to be born in a place that was not in a comfortable shelter and had smelly animals surrounding her while she was in the midst of labor? Would those idols have allowed their king to be praised by lowly positioned shepherds, or would they have demanded the king of the city? Would those idols have allowed their child to be raised in a town where one could describe as 'can anything good come from there?' Did they have a son that they were willing to give up, to let be mocked, spit on, have his beard pulled, rejected, whipped and beaten, and then finally nailed to a cross and left to die? Who wants that for their child, and who is certainly going to let their child go for the sake of bringing wholeness, joy, happiness, and eternal life for those who do not deserve a drop of sweat from HIS brow? But the final question is did any of the other idols die for someone besides themselves, only to be brought back to life and is still alive today? I know many are skeptical about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, but here is my question: Why would anyone want to believe in a god that was made by a man who got hungry and weak, ate his lunch over a fire, and then made the idol? Think about it...that would be like me trying to make a glorious dessert out of a greasy skillet :( It ain't gonna happen... So why would anyone want to bow to something that can't speak even whey I cry out to it? My credit card can't save me, a new book can't save me, a new house, or car...nothing can save me. The bible calls this ignorance, and I have been there and I would totally agree.

I say all of this to show to myself that it doesn't really matter what I believe because God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow...He is just loving enough to let me join in. It's not about me. Now that is a hard pill to swallow.

Merry Christmas

The Wood Shed

This past week I have been down with an intestinal virus...aka...stomach bug! It has been horrible. I only recall being this sick one other time and I was 5 month pregnant with Jacob. At least I was fortunate enough to be able to make the kids their breakfast and lunch, and my husband did the rest when he came home from work. I have had a hard week not only physically, but spiritually as well. Nothing like internal sickness to realize how spiritually sick I am as well.

I had much planned this week for school, church, and homeschool/church friends. We had a wonderful Christmas party planned for the kids that are HS'ing as well, that are also apart of our church. We were all looking forward to it, but then I got sick and we had to cancel. That same day was the day to turn in the cookies for the Jail Ministry at church and they needed 450 dozen. I had some already baked and in the freezer, but it wasn't nearly what I had hoped to do. As for school...well, my kids have been getting their education this week from Tom and Jerry, Dora, Diego, The Backyardigans, and any other cartoon that came on. This did not leave me the least bit impressed, but there was nothing that I could do. I did manage to do a little something with Emily when I was able to not run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I could have called my mother-in-law to help, but I didn't want her to catch what I had, so I toughed it out. I am not a superhero to say the least. In fact, I have felt helpless. At one point I didn't know weather to laugh or cry when my kids were eating apples before I could get up the stairs to get them their breakfast :(

I am not saying all of this to be so sadly pathetic. I am disappointed that I was unable to read my bible like I normally did, and I could recall scriptures, but I didn't want to. Frankly, I am weary of the same trials. I just want to move on with my little school and not face all of the should haves would haves...

This week I have had to face my lack of faith and worship. When the going gets tough, I can handle it. But when the going keeps entering into the deep places of my heart that I am tired of being exposed, I break down like a child. I don't want my sin exposed...who does? I don't want to deal with my pride or selfish nature..who does? I am OK with what I am doing until God takes me back to the places that I don't want to see anymore. I am going to be honest and say that after all of this exposure I have felt abandoned and embarrassed. I don't seem to know anyone else who struggles with the same things. It is not a lack of faith for me, but rather a lack of respect. I am not respecting where God has brought me too, nor am I respecting the task at hand. I hate the feeling of being broken in fellowship. I hate the feeling of being separated from him. Most of all, I hate the feeling of always being "taken to the wood shed." I am wasting my time of being disciplined rather than staying the course of obedience. I repent of that last thing in my life that I hold onto and won't let him have. Do you know what happens when I play with fire? Everybody in my home gets burned. It begins with me and they don't know. But then my attitude changes and then it trickles down to all. All I know is that even though I don't get it all what I am supposed to get, I have got to hang on the garment of Jesus if I want to keep this ship afloat.

With the Christmas festivities in full swing, it is hard to dodge some stray bullets that may be coming at my family. It is easier during the year to delay meeting with certain people, be unavailable to attend certain dinner invitations, or someone "just may be sick" and not be able to come over. But during the holidays you know that to do such a thing really gives the impression that one must really be a scrooge to not be apart of the festivities. The truth to all of this is that my husband and I have never turned down any invitations that were handed out, so this may answer the question why I feel like we are often the perfect target for people to practice their target practice on. Everybody has felt like a punching bag at one point or another, and to feel it at the holidays can make the month more dreadful. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I also know that it is a very hard time for me personally. I won't go into all the tid bits because I don't think that my life details are that exciting, sometimes they are down right depressing...so I am thankful that I serve a God whom I can throw all of my attention to and take the focus off of myself (he must increase, and I must decrease..right!)

In writing this, I will admit that I do have a heavy heart, because I expect too much out of others and think that because the Lord has worked in so many ways in my life this year, maybe they want to hear about it...or maybe they have changed to. Try again. Since my husband and I have answered the call to home school, we have obtained much furrowed eyebrows, "ohs", and "hmmmsss". Sometimes even a hiss. I have had very dear friends that have been with me for years to disappear. It's like "now you hear from me, now you don't." I have had many questions, disappointed looks, and misunderstandings. But for some reason it is OK. Sure it hurts. Who wants to be rejected. But then I just have to remember that Jesus was rejected as well, and he told me this was how it would be. Not everyone is against us. We do have a cheering section for our little Harbor House Academy. It may be a small one, but little by little more are attending our games.

I couldn't do it without my best friend right by my side helping me along the way. He is my number one coach. In our home the teacher gets to date the principle :) Homeschooling is not easy, but what is when God calls us too it. How I know when something is right for me is when I am content and satisfied with what I am doing. Sure I fret, but then I read in Psalms 37 about not fretting, I lay it down, and move on to the next thing he has for me. I am teaching my children, but it is so much more than that. I want to have a speech prepared for those doubters and ney sayers but what would that prove? It will all some out on wash day. If my Lord is the one who brought us to this, than it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He will guide me, comfort me, show me the way..if I just keep looking to Him and no one else. I want to stand like shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and say "we know He can save us from this fire, and he may choose not to, but we will not worship any other god." (paraphrase).

Shout to the Lord with a Care Bear Stare

When I was a little girl I used to watch the Care Bears, as many girls my age did. Today, the Care Bears have come back in style, so I get to relive those cute and fun loving little bears all over again with my daughter. The Care Bears all had their own unique personalities and would all help one another with their special "gifts" that were given to them, and they so proudly wore them on their cute little bear tummies. I am not really sure about how the story of the bears came about, and who gave them their own special gift, all I know is that even Grumpy Bear was helpful. As I can recall, each episode never ended without the "Care Bear Stare" to help save the day. Each Bear would proudly and courageously stand together and and one would say "Care Bears, Stare!", and all of the colors of the rainbow would come from each bear and unite with the other's colors. Oh, the colors were so mesmerizing. I always felt that justice would be served when those little bears would come together like that!

What made me think of this illustration comes from my own frustration of wanting to shout from the mountaintops my praise and worship to the Lord. My children hear me over and over about loving the Lord with all we have, but they are so small they just jump up and down and then go back to their coloring book and goldfish. It is short lived. I tell my husband, and although he loves to hear my proclamations he does have a stomach that needs to be filled and dirty clothes that don't wash themselves. The cashier at Wal-Mart just wants to take a break and doesn't want to be bothered with some crazy white girl talking about colors shining from her "tummy." So with my frustraions I turned to the Lord and asked if he would help me to make sense of my longing to stand on a mountain top and fling my arms wide open, shoutingmy song to Him. He lead me to Isaiah (which is where I have been going lateley, so I think I need to take a deeper look into this book, what do you think??)

In reading Isaiah 12 I became so excited to see in black and white about the thanksgiving we will give in the Kingdom. I am probably reading out of context, but my small mind comprehended the words this way: "The Lord is my strength and my song" (vs 2), "With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation"! (vs 3) But the verse that made me see what I am longing for is vs 4.

"In that day you will say:
Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that His name is exalted." I wish I had a voice over for this one so you could hear me say "Boo-Ya"!! "Whoop Whoop!! Can you say "Care bear Stare to the Lord for all that His is and all that He has done!!

Do you get it?? Picture it: (If you have to picture the Care Bears then go for it, that is how my mind works these days...kiddie language) One day ALL nations will be standing together, holding hands and giving our best chest sticking out stare that we can! All of our colors, gifts,talents, and praise will all come out of each heart and come together and unite as one and all for our Savior!
There will be no more bad guys to fight. There will be no more grumpy bears, or "good luck bears." There will be no more Idol Bears, Alcoholic Bears, Tobacco Bears, Drug Bears, molester Bears, Greedy Bears, prideful bears...I could go on and on, but I think you see where I was going with that one.

In that day we will ALL be praise bears!!

Grace Stop #2 An Unsuspecting Friend

After all the mess that I put myself through growing up, God still gave me the desires of my heart. So many times I should have lost my life, been injured, or suffered other major consequences for my very poor choices. He should have lit my seat on fire when sitting in church, but instead he would send a nice man or woman to be kind and shepherd me.

When I was about 8 or 9 I walked around my parents front yard and looked up to the sky and said "God will you tell me who I am going to marry, please?" All I wanted was a sign to know that I wasn't going to be left out of the playing field. I didn't want to wind up without a husband and family. It wasn't about the white dress and beautiful flowers to me...I wanted a best friend to grow old with. Someone who would love me back. Someone to laugh with. Share with. Watch movies with. You get the point. All the while there my future husband was. He may have been in my back yard or on my brothers ball teams. I giggled around many of my brother's friends and of course they didn't giggle back, they laughed and threw spitballs. There was one friend in particular that treated me as if I were the only person on the planet. Sure, he may have treated everyone that way, but he was still different. I remember running into him at Lake Winnie when I was with some friends, and he was playing a basketball game. I couldn't breathe when he talked to me, I nearly fell over! The way he wore his hat backwards and held that basketball, and flashed his pearly whites was nearly enough for my friends to have to call the paramedics. He truly made my heart stop. I was only in the 6th grade after all...but he was a sophomore in high school!

Years went by and I never saw him unless at a ball game, but he had a main girlfriend and everyone was just sure that they were going to grow old together. My brother switched high schools, and he lost contact with many of his old buddies. I don't believe in luck, but I do believe in divine appointments. My brother went to this little country line dancing place on Friday and Saturday nights with his old buddies from high school called the "Pickin Barn." It was a little barn way out in the country that was on the property of a family farm. The family had turned this barn into a place where families could come together and have a night of "good clean fun with no foolishness" (how'd you like that :) My friend and I were curious as to what they did there, b/c we knew that my bro was not going to dance, and if there were any cute guys there we wanted in! I walked in a little taller, and a little thinner than the last time I saw him. I had found out about good hygiene and said good bye to bad perms. No more tight rolling and body suits for this girl..no way. I was much more sophisticated and well versed now that I was 17. :)

I walked in this little barn with Christmas lights surrounding the beams up above. There were people line dancing to bluegrass music and little children running around with funnel cake sugar dust on their faces. There were shy boys standing in the shadows of the barn trying to muster up enough nerve to ask the sweet girls waiting patiently on their hay bales. As I made my way passed the small concessions stand and rolling hot dog machine, that is when I saw HIM. There he was sitting on a fold out chair against the wall...alone. I made my way cautiously over to him as though I had it all under control while all the while sweating bullets under my denim jacket. I sat down and said controlled as possible said "Hey Donnie, how are you?" When at that very moment of thinking I was so calm, cool, and collected he turned to me and said "Fine, how 'bout yourself?" I don't really know what happened after that nor do I remember the conversation b/c something buzzed into my ear at the very moment he looked into my eyes. It was this still small voice, one that I hadn't heard in many years, say "you are going to marry him." Now I don't really believe in fate, but I do believe in the prompting of the Holy Spirit. You see, had that not been in my ear that day, I would have made a series of bad mistakes which would have lead to me loosing Donnie. Donnie is not my savior, but my Savior did hear my prayer and he sent me the perfect match to be my soul mate. God knew what I had been through and what I would go through, and what I will continue to go through. He knew that Donnie was the man for this hard job. He knew that I needed a best friend such as him.

I am so thankful that this story didn't end and that we continue to grow closer each and every day. As we said our wedding vows, I teared as the Pastor said "Donnie will you love Leanne as Christ loves the church?" I can tell you to this very day, he has shown Christ more to me than I have ever known. Have I always recognized it for what it was? No. It devastates me to no end that I have taken for granted many times the love that my heavenly father has sent me in the form of a husband. For reasons unknown to me, God chose to hear my prayer that day, and to save me from the destruction of myself.

After Donnie's father passed away, and his mother was asked if she thought she would ever re-marry, she replied "Why would I want anyone else when I had the best." And that is exactly the way I feel about my man.

Grace Stop #1 : Maybe I wasn't overlooked afterall

If I haven't already stated in my previous posts I grew up in a very difficult and dysfunctional family. We all have them, and mine was no worse than anyone else's and I didn't have it as bad as I could have. I wasn't dealt an "unfair" hand, but I was allowed to be derived from a very unhealthy line of people. My failure to see that I am special to anyone including God has been a very evil tact by the enemy to keep the nice generational junk circulating as long as he can. I hope the buck stops here...and if not me, than with my children.

I learned alot of information about my family tree yesterday that I was not aware of before. I knew bits and pieces from both sides, but I guess I became a captive audience to my parents to be allowed to hear some things that I had never heard before. I always am torn to hearing more family stuff because although it helps me to understand the bad fruit that has been produced in my family, it is also very sobering to just how hard it has been to live in this family. I will not indulge in any of the details because that is not necessary. We all have baggage and at least one drunk uncle, if not the drunk uncle it is going to be someone else with some other "secret" problem.

One thing that I did learn that is the most valuable piece of information to me is that I had 1 great grand parent on my father's side who was a believer and then my great great grandparents on my mother's side that were believers...that is it folks :( I was stunned to hear that there were no believers in my family. Some converted later in life, but never fully surrendered and they only secured themselves a fire insurance policy. This was so disheartening to me to hear that Jesus was never a household name. Knowing this helps to explain alot for me. I won't go into all of it b/c quite frankly it is a sure fire way to be brought down. I have had enough of the gloom and doom for one life time, so I will share where I see grace coming into all of this.

I was in about the 1st grade when I attend an Awana club meeting with a neighborhood friend. I went often with her for a while, where I heard about Jesus and learned scripture by memory. One particular night a man gave an alter call, and I remember thinking that I wanted to have Jesus in my heart, and I truly believe that he answered that call. My dad thought I was too young to know what I was talking about, but looking back I believe that it was grace that saw a little girl coming from a sad and wicked line of people who cared for nothing unless it was benefiting them. I believe that God saw that there was potential in my young and sensitive heart to be obedient and desperate for the living water. Every time my a little more of my family was being chipped away, God would place someone in my path to keep me afloat. I drifted along the way, but there is too much evidence in my heart that he never left me to my own devices.

I am so thankful that God could have overlooked me b/c of who and where I was coming from. But he doesn't work that way. He allowed His precious son to die for whosoever would accept...I was a whosoever, but now my name is written on His hand!

Do you find it a coincidence that my husband and I teach the Sparkies in Awana?? I am shepherding little hearts to move into the kingdom just as someone had done for me! What trails of evidence of God's grace do you see threaded into your story?

Jn 3:16

My Resignation to find Grace and Liberation

I am giving up. I am resigning my life as one lived as a Pharisee. I can no longer live under my laws, my rules, and my principles. I am done. There is too much in me that wants to sing in the car out loud, hold my hands in the air, and smile at the people who pass by looking as though I was just let out of the loony bin. God may have not made me to be the most likeable, nor the most friendly, smartest, funniest, etc etc. But guess what Satan...he did make me and HE says I can be free. I am officially calling it quits. I am quitting the people who drag me down, tell me I can't or I won't...I like who I am in the private moments, but I am tired of worrying about those out in public. Who cares??? I like freedom. I don't really know what grace is, so I am going to start the journey to see what God has to say about it, after all it is His idea.

If I was Catholic, I would be all about confessing all my sins and failures to someone holy-er than me, who would then tell me tell me how many candles to light in order to make things all better. I allow myself so little grace that I believe that if I lived during the Old Testament I just might have made a new record for sacrifices offered. I would have offered anything I could have just to have a good standing with the Lord. Why on earth He allowed me to live in a period of time where freedom is so abundant, forgiveness is a free gift, and His word can be found without costing me my life is beyond me; but Ephesians 2 :10 tells me that He worked all of this out beforehand (Not me, HIM). I am so tired of being so hard on myself. I don't want to admit that I have not a clue as to what Grace means...I did however think that it would make such a pretty name for my first born, although I know very little about it.

When I first started in this journey of homeschooling, Iwas really nervous. I didn't know how in the world that this would all come together, if my child would respond to me (which if she responded to someone else and not her parent, that would not be a good thing, right??) what would people think, would I be able to stand it, and all the other could I, should I's that are swirling out there. I just knew that God said "this is the way, walk in it."(Isaiah 30:21) I didn't know I would be walking in a mile of quicksand on some days. It is not that I feel like "Oh, someone please save me, I am drowning in all of this", no it is more like "Lord, I am trusting you with my secret places, my hardships, and my insecurities, only to have them exposed more. I know this is the right path, I love it will all that I have, I am just curious if my children are really going to gain from my teaching and become world changers, or do like most of my family members and leave the nest and never look back.

Being a homeschool mom with baggage is really difficult. I feel as though I am not supposed to have a bad day, but rather jump out of bed each morning, have a three mile run while smiling through my sweat, then onto a 2 hour quiet time, etc etc. Some days I think there are moms that must have a life like a scene from Cinderella when she sweetly sings to her bird friends while starting her day.

I must say that although I question whether God really knows that I am here and sees my tears of frustrations I am reminded that He has to because my heart has changed. I no longer let anger stir in my heart when I have to get up 100 times in the middle of the night to help someone. Or I didn't run and cry when my 2 year old threw up all over my face in the middle of the night while my 5 year old lay sick as a dog too all the while my husband was out of town. Sure it was hard. Absolutely I was tired from all the clean up, fevers, and tears...but I actually felt love in the midst of it all. My heart has been like a block of ice my whole life and the Lord is using His mighty blow-torch to melt the ice away...and it's working. It's like getting the feeling back in my feet after they fall asleep and they became really numb, or when my toes un-thaw from being really cold. I can feel the tingles at the moments that I should. My heart has been numb, I have never known what it was like to feel anything.


I do have to say that this is a difficult journey for me not really knowing how to live under grace. I know how to live legalistic and guilty. Sometimes I have felt the blow-torch is getting to close to me and want it to go away...but I think I would rather have the heat than to feel nothing at all.

I have so desperately wanted to be perfect but I have only found myself to be perfectly desperate. No more...I just want to enjoy the journey and not try to map out my own destination.