Now that I have a little more time on my hands I am faced with the places in my home that have been neglected...how did it get so out of hand??? Ahh, yes...children that's how. I am going to allow grace to fall on me for that today. I may not have spotless baseboards, but hey my children can say the name of Jesus, thank you Lord for that!
Anytime I have gotten a break I have used that time to try to soak up some alone time with the Lord. Now, hear me out, I am not one of these that has it all together and grinds my own wheat. For goodness sakes my kids have had their fair share of bologna and cheese for lunch and spaghetti for dinner. I am just saying that I have to steal moments here and there for me to survive the day and not eat my young :)
I do love the story of Mary and Martha because there have been more days than I would like to admit where I wanted to be Martha instead, and I'll tell you why. It makes me feel good to have a clean and orderly house. If someone were to stop by I would love to be able to open my home and the guests not trip over shoes, socks, and monster trucks. It think it is just that sick lie that women tell themselves that in order to be good enough, or have it all together then a clean house is a must. I love the thought that the more I am at home the cleaner and more organized things would be, ha! Having small children in the home for any amount of time is going to equal disaster.
Deep in my spirit I really do want to be Mary. The thought of just shutting everything thing in the world out to get a drink of some cool living water is way more appealing than scrubbing my toilets. I am not one of those that hates housework either, I actually find it rather therapeutic at times ( I know have an illness).
I am slowly learning that this may be one of the reasons that we are in this season. As sad as it is to let go of homeschooling, I am allowing that light of joy to come up that I am getting a rest and refreshment from where we have been.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
A New Season
The life in our home has recently been turned upside down. I don't know why we are in this season, but I am defiantly in the season of letting go. Letting go stinks! I guess that is why we have to choose to "let go" because in our flesh we don't want to. I am rather frustrated, confused, relieved, and grieved all at the same time. We made the decision to send my daughter to school...sigh...tear...
There are several reasons why we chose to, and I really don't want to hash them all out just yet because I am still working through this choice. Our lives have become a clean slate of some sorts. We have decided to let go of a lot of things that have become a normal routine in our family. When I first took her to school, I felt as though someone had died. I felt numb, and sometimes I still do. Of course there are questions like mad running around in my mind like "did I not do enough?" Was I not good enough?", and plenty of other lies that I could tell myself all day long.
One thing is for sure, Satan is alive and ready to take someone out, and especially someone that he knows wants to be sold out for God. Call me a fanatic, freak, or whatever...but I have lived my life in the garbage can long enough and I am tired of it. I am tired of the same old lies, addictions, and rebellious traps that I can put myself in. I don't want pity from anyone nor advice unless it is going to be productive...but how do you preface that to someone who is about to open their mouth? I could go on all day about the "helpful" advice that I have received and it is just plain annoying.
Let me just say that if someone has a loss of some kind: a job, baby, spouse, friend, church, home, etc...the last thing they want to hear is how it was probably for the best. Maybe so...but it won't be recognized until sometime in the future, some may never recognize it. Romans 8:28 says that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God..." Our heads may know this verse and we tell ourselves this out loud to others, but deep down in the corner parts of our hearts and soul do we really believe this? Do we really trust that he will work all things together for good when we have no place to live when the final eviction notice comes, or what about when you stand in the doorway of the baby nursery that you have so longed to put a baby in that crib that has sat empty for so long? What about when you are handed the pink slip at work and you have a pile of doctor bills staring you in the face?
I am facing the loss of what I considered to be my calling. I am still a wife and mother and I still stand that the same kitchen sink, but this time it is quieter. My child that I have taught her her ABC's and 123's, and much more is now in the care of someone else during the day. I don't know what the Lord plans, and I am tired of trying to figure it out. All I know is the anchor has to hold because this is one stormy season that came upon me faster than I wanted it to.
Trusting. Believing. Breathing.
There are several reasons why we chose to, and I really don't want to hash them all out just yet because I am still working through this choice. Our lives have become a clean slate of some sorts. We have decided to let go of a lot of things that have become a normal routine in our family. When I first took her to school, I felt as though someone had died. I felt numb, and sometimes I still do. Of course there are questions like mad running around in my mind like "did I not do enough?" Was I not good enough?", and plenty of other lies that I could tell myself all day long.
One thing is for sure, Satan is alive and ready to take someone out, and especially someone that he knows wants to be sold out for God. Call me a fanatic, freak, or whatever...but I have lived my life in the garbage can long enough and I am tired of it. I am tired of the same old lies, addictions, and rebellious traps that I can put myself in. I don't want pity from anyone nor advice unless it is going to be productive...but how do you preface that to someone who is about to open their mouth? I could go on all day about the "helpful" advice that I have received and it is just plain annoying.
Let me just say that if someone has a loss of some kind: a job, baby, spouse, friend, church, home, etc...the last thing they want to hear is how it was probably for the best. Maybe so...but it won't be recognized until sometime in the future, some may never recognize it. Romans 8:28 says that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God..." Our heads may know this verse and we tell ourselves this out loud to others, but deep down in the corner parts of our hearts and soul do we really believe this? Do we really trust that he will work all things together for good when we have no place to live when the final eviction notice comes, or what about when you stand in the doorway of the baby nursery that you have so longed to put a baby in that crib that has sat empty for so long? What about when you are handed the pink slip at work and you have a pile of doctor bills staring you in the face?
I am facing the loss of what I considered to be my calling. I am still a wife and mother and I still stand that the same kitchen sink, but this time it is quieter. My child that I have taught her her ABC's and 123's, and much more is now in the care of someone else during the day. I don't know what the Lord plans, and I am tired of trying to figure it out. All I know is the anchor has to hold because this is one stormy season that came upon me faster than I wanted it to.
Trusting. Believing. Breathing.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Do-It-Yourself??
As I sit here, my son has a swimmy on his arm that he cannot get off. He keeps trying and trying, but no success. What does he do? Does he quickly come to mommy who knows how to get it off? Or does he do what most others would do...fuss, fight, pull, and tug at the thing trying to take it off of himself? Hmmm...doesn't this sound familiar! I do this way more than I should with the things in my life. When there is something in my life that is not so near and dear to my heart like one of my pet sins, then I am more likely to run to the Father for him to pull it off. When it is that which easily becomes a stronghold for me, I am more reluctant to go to Him "once again" to have him remove it. Why is this? You may think that sounds so ridiculous to wait and try to take off something I know that I cannot do in my own strength and go to the one who can. I will give you my theory as to why I believe I do this:
1) I do this because I don't want to admit that once again I have let that thing overcome me, therefore I am ashamed.
2) I am prideful in thinking I can handle it on my own.
3)Maybe I am trying to nurse an old wound that has revealed itself again and it is what brings me comfort.
4) A crisis has sprung up in my life and it is what brought me comfort in the past and I have become to lazy to run to the truth of what I know, therefore falling back into old patterns.
5) Pure rebelliousness- if you have never had a rebellious heart I would encourage you to STOP know and thank the Lord for that!!! I cannot tell you how difficult it can be to have a rebellious heart!
I realize I as have written this it may be a little too vulnerable and personal to handle, and that is OK with me. I have been told many times how open, honest, and vulnerable I am. I hope I am not doing it out of "dumping" on anyone, although I am sure that I have done that before. I have been wired to purge it all out. I have learned for the most part to do this only to the Lord and not purge on others what does not need to be purged.
My husband is a very private person and finds it amazing that I can be so honest. I am learning to be more like him. I don't need to share every gory detail with everyone....but I will still continue to share it with God.
I may keep my swimmy on and pull, tug, and fuss...but I am learning to run to the Father first and not let so much wasted and frustrating time go by.
Are you still wearing any siwimmies?
1) I do this because I don't want to admit that once again I have let that thing overcome me, therefore I am ashamed.
2) I am prideful in thinking I can handle it on my own.
3)Maybe I am trying to nurse an old wound that has revealed itself again and it is what brings me comfort.
4) A crisis has sprung up in my life and it is what brought me comfort in the past and I have become to lazy to run to the truth of what I know, therefore falling back into old patterns.
5) Pure rebelliousness- if you have never had a rebellious heart I would encourage you to STOP know and thank the Lord for that!!! I cannot tell you how difficult it can be to have a rebellious heart!
I realize I as have written this it may be a little too vulnerable and personal to handle, and that is OK with me. I have been told many times how open, honest, and vulnerable I am. I hope I am not doing it out of "dumping" on anyone, although I am sure that I have done that before. I have been wired to purge it all out. I have learned for the most part to do this only to the Lord and not purge on others what does not need to be purged.
My husband is a very private person and finds it amazing that I can be so honest. I am learning to be more like him. I don't need to share every gory detail with everyone....but I will still continue to share it with God.
I may keep my swimmy on and pull, tug, and fuss...but I am learning to run to the Father first and not let so much wasted and frustrating time go by.
Are you still wearing any siwimmies?
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Lion Tamer
So today has been one of those days where I wonder if I traded in my diplomas for a Ringmaster's costume and am in charge of the lion act at the circus. It all started when I woke earlier than usual to get a jump start on my quiet time (so I didn't eat the lions for breakfast). Well, I got about 15 minutes into it when I heard little voices. How I wish those had been voices in my head, but alas, it was my children. Oh, how I could see it all going down hill in a matter of 2 hours because they got up way to early and they would be fighting like big cats (no pun intended).
I will make this post as painless as possible and not go through my day step by step, but lets just say by 10:00 (AM mind you) I was about to be in tears because I had to send one child to her room ( who will remain anonymous) because she was...well...I won't rehash all of that. I will just keep it to a "she had to do her school work in her room by herself for a certain amount of time because she was exercising freedom of speech a little too freely". She hates to be seperated like that, so it that usually helps remind her not to do it again.
While one lion was in time out for almost eating her sibling, brother lion was not wanting to cooperate with his potty training. On top of all of that, our neighbors detest us because we have a dog that likes to destroy anything that resembles flowers, and well, this is spring and we all know what happens in the spring. We have been trying to use the shock collar thing, but my husband and I are both chickens and don't want to see her be put through such trauma...plus the dog has figured it out and doesn't even want to go outside. She is hyper, needs to run, but can't due to her being a pest to the neighbors so she stays in. By the end of the evening she is dying for some freedom and needing to burn off energy, so she wants to play at all hours of the night!! I am
O-V-E-R it big time!
So by 10:00 (am) I smell like pee pee, my eyebrows are wrinkled and frownie, and am ready to give the dog to the first person that comes to the door. When the dust settles and all is quiet at nap time and all are tucked happily in their beds, I take a deep sigh of relief and say "I would do it all over again."
I think I need a shrink.
I will make this post as painless as possible and not go through my day step by step, but lets just say by 10:00 (AM mind you) I was about to be in tears because I had to send one child to her room ( who will remain anonymous) because she was...well...I won't rehash all of that. I will just keep it to a "she had to do her school work in her room by herself for a certain amount of time because she was exercising freedom of speech a little too freely". She hates to be seperated like that, so it that usually helps remind her not to do it again.
While one lion was in time out for almost eating her sibling, brother lion was not wanting to cooperate with his potty training. On top of all of that, our neighbors detest us because we have a dog that likes to destroy anything that resembles flowers, and well, this is spring and we all know what happens in the spring. We have been trying to use the shock collar thing, but my husband and I are both chickens and don't want to see her be put through such trauma...plus the dog has figured it out and doesn't even want to go outside. She is hyper, needs to run, but can't due to her being a pest to the neighbors so she stays in. By the end of the evening she is dying for some freedom and needing to burn off energy, so she wants to play at all hours of the night!! I am
O-V-E-R it big time!
So by 10:00 (am) I smell like pee pee, my eyebrows are wrinkled and frownie, and am ready to give the dog to the first person that comes to the door. When the dust settles and all is quiet at nap time and all are tucked happily in their beds, I take a deep sigh of relief and say "I would do it all over again."
I think I need a shrink.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Random Thought
I am one of those people that loves to break out into song and dance just about anytime, anywhere. I don't know why, but it just somehow seems like a natural part of me. I am not one of those people who are so talented in their singing that they just can't get enough. No, it's quite the opposite. My family can tolerate me but that is only because they love me. Maybe it comes from listening to Debbie Gibson and watching the fly girls to much as a young girl. Who knows why I do it, but I do...and I enjoy it. The funny part of it all is that my daughter does the same thing and it is so great to hear her becuase she gets the opera tuen going.
Priceless.
Priceless.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
My Patmos
Have you ever thought about where you sit today as being a place of isolation or exile? Maybe you are surrounded by many people, but somehow you still are left to feel alone or misunderstood. Maybe this place of exile is exactly where God has told you to be but the level of frustration and loneliness is enough to make you want to go back to the life you had before where you could count on comfort and consistency.
I am there. I am in a place where God has led me to be but so many days I sit and wonder what on earth am I doing? I shouldn't be so worked up about mounds of laundry, never ending grocery shopping, meals to prepare, noses to wipe, and fights to break up. That's right. I stay at home. But if that weren't enough...I homeschool as well. It doesn't matter what my position on earth is because I believe these issues crop up in every calling that God has set in place.
Just today I was wanting to throw up my hands in the air and say I give up because I am soooooooooo tired of the clutter and toys. My house will never look like a showcase because we have do dads and gadgets that will be found peeking out from behind the couch, under the stove, and sometimes in the refrigerator (yes, that last one has happened). I have been questioned by many as to why I do what I do, do I ever get a break, and "does your husband help?" I know people mean well and just want to help, but sometimes I feel as though they are doing nothing more than to help my faith weaken. Of course I take a break when I need it. Of course my husband helps or else I would have already thrown in the towel. But I can't explain why I do what I do. Maybe like John, I keep weathering the elements of Patmos because of my love. Not only my love for my family, but because of my love for Jesus. Without him there is NO WAY I would do what I am doing. There is no way I could stay with my children day in, day out and school them. There is no way I would still be giving my dog one more day in this household.
I shouldn't say that I wouldn't...I couldn't. I can't tell you how many times the Lord has brought peace in an un peaceful situation. Or how many times he has made our dollars stretch a little further so we could refresh ourselves with an outing to get ice cream. I love when the morning has been rough and he replenishes all of of with a long rest time!
I told a friend one time that through the last couple of years of learning to transition into parenthood with some major baggage in tow, I felt as though I was climbing Mt. Everest in the winter in a bathing suit! Talk about being beaten and weathered against in the elements. Maybe that is how John felt minus the bathing suit. He lasted. He didn't give up. He didn't lay down and die. he worshipped. He loved all alone. No one to watch him. No one to talk to him. Nothing but him and sharp rocks with harsh elements. But on the Lord's day he received the greatest revelation of all.
He lasted becuase of love. I last because of love. It is amazing how much love I have learned to feel and share in my isolation from the world. God is pretty amazing!
I am there. I am in a place where God has led me to be but so many days I sit and wonder what on earth am I doing? I shouldn't be so worked up about mounds of laundry, never ending grocery shopping, meals to prepare, noses to wipe, and fights to break up. That's right. I stay at home. But if that weren't enough...I homeschool as well. It doesn't matter what my position on earth is because I believe these issues crop up in every calling that God has set in place.
Just today I was wanting to throw up my hands in the air and say I give up because I am soooooooooo tired of the clutter and toys. My house will never look like a showcase because we have do dads and gadgets that will be found peeking out from behind the couch, under the stove, and sometimes in the refrigerator (yes, that last one has happened). I have been questioned by many as to why I do what I do, do I ever get a break, and "does your husband help?" I know people mean well and just want to help, but sometimes I feel as though they are doing nothing more than to help my faith weaken. Of course I take a break when I need it. Of course my husband helps or else I would have already thrown in the towel. But I can't explain why I do what I do. Maybe like John, I keep weathering the elements of Patmos because of my love. Not only my love for my family, but because of my love for Jesus. Without him there is NO WAY I would do what I am doing. There is no way I could stay with my children day in, day out and school them. There is no way I would still be giving my dog one more day in this household.
I shouldn't say that I wouldn't...I couldn't. I can't tell you how many times the Lord has brought peace in an un peaceful situation. Or how many times he has made our dollars stretch a little further so we could refresh ourselves with an outing to get ice cream. I love when the morning has been rough and he replenishes all of of with a long rest time!
I told a friend one time that through the last couple of years of learning to transition into parenthood with some major baggage in tow, I felt as though I was climbing Mt. Everest in the winter in a bathing suit! Talk about being beaten and weathered against in the elements. Maybe that is how John felt minus the bathing suit. He lasted. He didn't give up. He didn't lay down and die. he worshipped. He loved all alone. No one to watch him. No one to talk to him. Nothing but him and sharp rocks with harsh elements. But on the Lord's day he received the greatest revelation of all.
He lasted becuase of love. I last because of love. It is amazing how much love I have learned to feel and share in my isolation from the world. God is pretty amazing!
Friday, March 27, 2009
What Satifies?
I have always wondered why it is so hard for Christians to live the life of joy, peace, patience, etc...than those who deny Christ, but yet will put all of their faith and trust in another god or religion, one that is not the truth... but still appear to have a more blissful life.
It is quite amusing to me how so many can be in pursuit of happiness and find it through healthy food, exercise, vacation, their life's work, etc. Hm mm...I spend most of my days face down on the floor crying to the Lord "what do I do next?" "what am I dong wrong?" Lord, when am I going to get it?" I can be surrounded by God's glory and yet see the grayness of what is going on around me. Is that trust? Nope. Do I stick a praise in the beginning of my prayer? Hardly. But David didn't always either, and if he was a man after God's own heart, then I am going to allow a little grace, he he.
Then how on earth do people who believe in karma, zen, wollybooger whatever, seem to "be at one" with who they are? When I have known the truth for a long time, and truthfully see my sin and my scars and wonder "Lord when will it heal? I then remember that this is not the world that I am supposed to settle for.
Galatians 1: 3-5. ( I won't post it all here) Grace and peace only come from him. Whatever it is that others have is complete blindness, and will only work for a while. I have tried addiction after addiction to fill the need for a Savior...and quite frankly, I am tired. I have decided to follow Jesus instead no matter how crazy it may be to others, because those others don't try to help me or save me. They don't provide peace for me...because they are too busy looking for it themselves.
Is it b/c I am trying to hard and missing the heart of worship? Is it because I am living a life of truly denying myself and doing what the Lord has called me to do so it is a daily walk with giving up selfishness of my own will and following the plan he has laid out?
Acts 20:24 says "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus- the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God" (NLT)
My life may not seem as blissfully full as though who don't miss a workout or a trip to the Yucatan in search of meaning of life, but I know that if all is stripped away I can still say that there is Good News to be told. There is a God out there who cares more about the wholeness of my heart than me eating everything organic.
It is quite amusing to me how so many can be in pursuit of happiness and find it through healthy food, exercise, vacation, their life's work, etc. Hm mm...I spend most of my days face down on the floor crying to the Lord "what do I do next?" "what am I dong wrong?" Lord, when am I going to get it?" I can be surrounded by God's glory and yet see the grayness of what is going on around me. Is that trust? Nope. Do I stick a praise in the beginning of my prayer? Hardly. But David didn't always either, and if he was a man after God's own heart, then I am going to allow a little grace, he he.
Then how on earth do people who believe in karma, zen, wollybooger whatever, seem to "be at one" with who they are? When I have known the truth for a long time, and truthfully see my sin and my scars and wonder "Lord when will it heal? I then remember that this is not the world that I am supposed to settle for.
Galatians 1: 3-5. ( I won't post it all here) Grace and peace only come from him. Whatever it is that others have is complete blindness, and will only work for a while. I have tried addiction after addiction to fill the need for a Savior...and quite frankly, I am tired. I have decided to follow Jesus instead no matter how crazy it may be to others, because those others don't try to help me or save me. They don't provide peace for me...because they are too busy looking for it themselves.
Is it b/c I am trying to hard and missing the heart of worship? Is it because I am living a life of truly denying myself and doing what the Lord has called me to do so it is a daily walk with giving up selfishness of my own will and following the plan he has laid out?
Acts 20:24 says "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus- the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God" (NLT)
My life may not seem as blissfully full as though who don't miss a workout or a trip to the Yucatan in search of meaning of life, but I know that if all is stripped away I can still say that there is Good News to be told. There is a God out there who cares more about the wholeness of my heart than me eating everything organic.
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