The Struggle with the Ordinary

I struggle with being an ordinary person, always have and wonder if I always will. I want to stand out, be noticed...but not for myself, for Jesus. I am not one who really cares for fancy cars or big houses. I have tried in the past, but it didn't really do it for me because it didn't last. I want something to last, to keep me filled up daily. I can't do that with things because they will eventually run out of gas, be broken, or need to be cleaned. So I can only obtain the filling through Jesus.

I have encountered quite a problem lately. I feel that the more I pray, the more I trust, the more I study; the more I realize that I am so small and don't know half of what I thought I did and question what my standing is in what I do for the Lord.

For example: When I started Graduate School, I knew that it was by the grace of God that I even got there. Sure my grades were pretty good in my undergrad, but I didn't think they were close enough to get me a toe in the door. Then came the GRE test. UGGG!!! I was about 8 months pregnant when I took that test, and I prayed the whole way through "Lord, this is crazy. If you want me in this school, you are the one to perform a miracle here". And he did, low and behold, I was accepted. Not because of what I had done, but because he had allowed me this undeserved favor: Grace.

I went through an intense program for a little over 2 years, and lived on a very stressful and crazy schedule, all the while trying to raise a toddler and maintain a home with a husband...oh and did I mention on the verge of a possible emotional breakdown?? Needless to say I did graduate, but I don't look at it as I became an expert on anything, I felt like I knew less coming out than I did going in. I feel as though God spent thousands of dollars in order for me to not come out and change the world, but to change me. In essence he sent me to have 2 years of intensive and expensive counseling.

Now that I have put that part of my life behind me, God has moved me into a season of motherhood and homeschooling. This is the most wonderful, and joyful thing I have ever done. There have been many lonely days, hard and long days, but they only last for a time...then everyone goes to bed and wakes up to a new morning. I have struggled with not being out front and center in helping. I am a servant by nature and really want to help others, so I have struggled with being at home and only being able to do a little at a time.

I have been wrong in thinking that what I do is not "doing my part for the Lord". I had a thought this morning about this particular thing. I felt as though the Lord spoke in my heart, "Does a doctor go to work and prescribe medicine to the sick, perform surgery on a person in order to help heal them, and then go home and say to themselves Man, I wish I could help other people" Or does a dentist go everyday to his/her place of work taking care of people's teeth and say 'I wish I could help people take care of their teeth'. I know this may sound trite or may not make any sense, but what I have been saying over and over is "Lord, let me have a ministry, let me help someone, let me teach someone, let me be someone."

Just in even writing this I feel so foolish and prideful. I do these things every single day, and with my own little tribe of people that share the same DNA as me. They carry my traits, they carry parts of my personality, and I get the chance to be with them and watch how the Lord shapes them into His purpose. I do teach. I do serve. I do love. I do doctor and brush teeth. When I help to serve others, they are in tow with me doing it. I don't visit the nursing home by myself, or collect spare change and coins alone...God has provided me with His children to help refine me and walk with me on this journey. Sure I have to discipline and correct, but one day God will raise them up to continue to do the work in them.

I want my wisdom to increase so that I can do what God has called me to do and know what to do with the little ones he has entrusted to me, but sometimes it seems as though the more I go, the less I know. At this point I am learning that living in my home is less than ordinary..new things happen everyday :)

Being Grateful

Thanksgiving is my absolutely favorite holiday! I don't know what it is about Thanksgiving that I love so much, I think it has something to do with the nostalgia of the Pilgrims and doing whatever it took to find freedom to worship.

I think my attraction to this holiday is becasue I love to hear about the Pilgrims and how they litterally gave themseleves to the be obediant to God's call and follow him wholeheartldly in faith. 102 passengers crowded in a small boat, navigating thier way through very rough circumstances, sickness, death, is not exactly the way I want to suffer for the Lord, but under their circumstances I guess I would have too. One thing that always strikes me in awe is how no matter the situation, they always gave praise to God. Amazing! One commentator that I have read said that one of the sailors called them "psalm, singing, puke-stockings!" Now that is what I call faith...still having praise in the midst of vomit.

We have encountered a bit of that this week in our family, and in the midst of all of what was going on or what I was cleaning up, I was reminded of the Pilgrims faith and thanksgiving, I changed my tune. At one point when I was knee deep in it thought to myself "I would do this all over again". Strange as it may seem I am okay with staying at home and educating my children. I have never had this much contentment in my work. Trust me, there are more days than not when I question myself, raise the bar on my expectations, or think someone else would be better at what I am doing. I never thought this would become my hearts desire. I have wrestled for a long time why I am not serving Jesus in a third world country. I guess I have looked down on my faith becuase I was not doing something extravagant ( or what seems so in my mind) for the Lord.

Often times I have looked at others and thought their faith was bigger and better than mine because their call seemed so much louder than mine. Or if they don't seem to struggle with the "who is this Jesus question" like I have, I am less than worthy. I am realizing that this must be such a slap in the face to the God of the Universe who has called me to this, and I am wanting to ask Him for a refund or a do-over. This is so completely arrogant of me to think that I would have better control of which way my life should go. Did I loose Jeremiah 29:11 in my Bible??

The Pilgrims weren't looking to be noticed or seen as a somebody, they simply wanted to be free. They wanted to be free to worship, free to praise, free to follow the Lord that they had read and heard about. That is what I want as well, freedom to praise my father for the path that he has put me on. Freedom from the what might have beens, should have beens, or wasnt's.
Also, I want to be free to eat as much pumpkin pie and dressing as well!! Gobble, Gobble.

America Has Spoken

The results are in and our new President has been elected. My heart is very heavy and very saddened. I am not saddened because it wasn't my "political party" who one, but that I have very serious questions and doubts of the man to take lead. I understand that this is history in the making, that he has just become the first African American to become President. It is not his color that I care about. It is his views, his morals, his values. The friends he has kept, the pastor that he let shepherd him, the inexperience that he has. Above all, I am mostly saddened by the fact that so many people would vote for someone who said the first thing he would do would make sure to keep abortion up and rolling. Maybe those little lives don't mean much to those people, but I can't bring myself to not be somewhat sad and angry that they are overlooked. People may say it was rape or incest but the statistics of that are sickeningly low. There are so many things that make my heart so sad about this election, but I think most of all God has been no where in it. I heard that the exit polls were asking questions to evangelical Christians and they didn't even bother to ask those questions in the New England States! My history tells me that is where the Pilgrims landed, and where they did EVERYTHING based on the word of God. Oh, how I am so sad for our country. I am so sad because there is no reverence, no love, no desire for Jesus. God is the one who puts whom he wants in office, and I know that he can change a King's heart....but what about America? Is it time for revival???

Susan and Rosa: Will they watch glass shatter?

Well, it is no secret that today is the day to find out who will be our next President for the United States. This election has no doubt been full of excitement, frustration, anxiety, joy, and fear. We are looking at a very historical moment in the making. This election has consisted of a man who fought for our country as a young man, served 5 years as a POW. He brought a woman on his team to serve as the VP if nominated and she is no stranger to children, politics, religion, and a gun. Together, they have made history. On the other side of the party is a man whom is Bi-racial, from a Muslim background, and mirrors Martin Luther King in eloquence. He has brought much praise and a following from those who believe in what he is promising. He wants to bring change and hope, he want to provide a fresh face to Washington. He is young and doesn't have very much experience, but I guess some could argue that neither did King David when he first started out. His opponent in the primaries was a woman. She was the first woman to ever run fro President. Her husband had already been President, and now she was ready to take on trying to shatter the "Glass Ceiling". She may have not shattered it, but she was defiantly brave enough to make more cracks for future woman.

I am not a feminist, nor am I into women's lib. I don't believe that women have the choice to choose life simply because God, our creator, chose to put that life there no matter what the circumstances, or how irresponsible the woman "chose" to be. I don't believe that women should rule over men, but from the beginning God said that Eve would desire to be over Adam; so I do believe this will be something women will continue to struggle with. This idea could lead to many debates and rabbit trails b/c God did use a woman named Deborah to be a judge, and Esther who ultimately saved the Jews from being eliminated. I am going to stick with the idea of God using women and using our differences.

I read this morning about Susan B. Anthony and how she was the first woman to vote for a President in 1872 (although she was later arrested) She fought for women's rights. Women have been treated as animals in some countries. At this point in her life she was not allowed to own property nor vote. God did not create women to be treated as dogs. He created Eve beautiful, perfect in His image, and to be a helper. Adam was alone. God saw this. God had already created every kind of animal, so why was he still lonely. If all he needed was a Dog, had one...but it wasn't enough. He needed HER. he wanted towels that said "HIS" and "HERS". She was special. She walked beside him, not behind him and not in front. He was naked and so was she. It didn't say that he was naked and she had everything covered head to toe. When he covered with leaves, she did the same. They worked together.

Ugggg! I always get way off track....my point is that after reading about Susan B. Anthony and her paving the way for woman, what about Rosa Parks? She paved the way for African Americans. She was brave and proud, and was not going to stand fro segregation any longer. She got it. She knew that God did not create a female to be treated as a nobody. she knew that he created us with love and equality...in that he created us in HIS image with HIS love with HIS hands! I wonder if Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks are sitting at the edge of their seats, with their box of tissues, popcorn, and anticipating the excitement that is unveiling today. Are they sitting there together and watching in amazement at how there was a woman who almost had her chance at being the first woman in the White House, and another who has one foot in the door, and a male candidate who would bring an African American heritage to the house. The glass ceiling could quite possibly shatter tonite. When it does are Rosa and Susan going to be standing on the edge of their seats with their # 1 hand shouting "YOU GO GIRL!". Even if the female doesn't make it to the White House, I have a feeling that history has and will continue to be made. I am not sure where this election will lead, but I am proud to have been in a moment of history where I was able to stand in line with my daughter, and vote for either a man of African American heritage or a man with a woman by his side. Now that is what I call beauty.