The Struggle with the Ordinary

I struggle with being an ordinary person, always have and wonder if I always will. I want to stand out, be noticed...but not for myself, for Jesus. I am not one who really cares for fancy cars or big houses. I have tried in the past, but it didn't really do it for me because it didn't last. I want something to last, to keep me filled up daily. I can't do that with things because they will eventually run out of gas, be broken, or need to be cleaned. So I can only obtain the filling through Jesus.

I have encountered quite a problem lately. I feel that the more I pray, the more I trust, the more I study; the more I realize that I am so small and don't know half of what I thought I did and question what my standing is in what I do for the Lord.

For example: When I started Graduate School, I knew that it was by the grace of God that I even got there. Sure my grades were pretty good in my undergrad, but I didn't think they were close enough to get me a toe in the door. Then came the GRE test. UGGG!!! I was about 8 months pregnant when I took that test, and I prayed the whole way through "Lord, this is crazy. If you want me in this school, you are the one to perform a miracle here". And he did, low and behold, I was accepted. Not because of what I had done, but because he had allowed me this undeserved favor: Grace.

I went through an intense program for a little over 2 years, and lived on a very stressful and crazy schedule, all the while trying to raise a toddler and maintain a home with a husband...oh and did I mention on the verge of a possible emotional breakdown?? Needless to say I did graduate, but I don't look at it as I became an expert on anything, I felt like I knew less coming out than I did going in. I feel as though God spent thousands of dollars in order for me to not come out and change the world, but to change me. In essence he sent me to have 2 years of intensive and expensive counseling.

Now that I have put that part of my life behind me, God has moved me into a season of motherhood and homeschooling. This is the most wonderful, and joyful thing I have ever done. There have been many lonely days, hard and long days, but they only last for a time...then everyone goes to bed and wakes up to a new morning. I have struggled with not being out front and center in helping. I am a servant by nature and really want to help others, so I have struggled with being at home and only being able to do a little at a time.

I have been wrong in thinking that what I do is not "doing my part for the Lord". I had a thought this morning about this particular thing. I felt as though the Lord spoke in my heart, "Does a doctor go to work and prescribe medicine to the sick, perform surgery on a person in order to help heal them, and then go home and say to themselves Man, I wish I could help other people" Or does a dentist go everyday to his/her place of work taking care of people's teeth and say 'I wish I could help people take care of their teeth'. I know this may sound trite or may not make any sense, but what I have been saying over and over is "Lord, let me have a ministry, let me help someone, let me teach someone, let me be someone."

Just in even writing this I feel so foolish and prideful. I do these things every single day, and with my own little tribe of people that share the same DNA as me. They carry my traits, they carry parts of my personality, and I get the chance to be with them and watch how the Lord shapes them into His purpose. I do teach. I do serve. I do love. I do doctor and brush teeth. When I help to serve others, they are in tow with me doing it. I don't visit the nursing home by myself, or collect spare change and coins alone...God has provided me with His children to help refine me and walk with me on this journey. Sure I have to discipline and correct, but one day God will raise them up to continue to do the work in them.

I want my wisdom to increase so that I can do what God has called me to do and know what to do with the little ones he has entrusted to me, but sometimes it seems as though the more I go, the less I know. At this point I am learning that living in my home is less than ordinary..new things happen everyday :)