Reality has set in for me in that what I am doing in my home is my calling. I have been battling for a while what my purpose is, what is next, and so forth. I have become frustrated because I have tried to manufacture other ideas of what I could do with my life and my purpose. I realized while I was talking with my husband about some questioning I recieved about my homeschooling that some other thoughts surfaced. Some of the questions were how long I will continue to do it, socialization, and are you going to do this with your son as well and others that I am not quite immune to yet, therefore I was making my case for my reasons to my husband. In the course of our conversation we talked about the extra money that could be earned, more time for me by myself, and maybe, just maybe we could have a boat. Now there is priority!
It hit me like a ton of bricks when I said the words I have given up my life. Huh. I have never thought about what I do as just that. I hope I am not making it sound so sad and lonely because it is more than that. Sometimes it is lonely. Many times it is frustrating and hard. But as my materialistic mind started to churn and I begin to type out my resume in my mind, my bunny slippers were stopped in their tracks. All is took was a few words from my husband to make me wad up that resume, and put down the nine west shoe catalog...
"Your not quitting. Your not giving up. I like you being home. I like coming home for lunch and you being here. I like you teaching the kids. Your the best." Does that just say "I'm in" or what! Sure the extra money would be nice, but then I wouldn't be there when my daughter reads her first sentence by herself. I could trade in my lunch special of PB&J with a fruit, chips and drink all while watching Tom and Jerry for a lunch with stimulating conversation with girlfriends. Or I could enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee all to myself rather than having to drink my morning cup so fast like it is water in order to keep from my son trying to sneak it away.
I know the temptation will come again to try to woo me away from where I am, but it is my adventure that I am not ready to give up. It may make zero sense to others who don't understand, but I have to remember God didn't ask them to understand he asked me to follow through. I don't want to miss one second of the life he has planned for me, and if I listen to the nay sayers I will. I don't understand all that He has up his sleeves...but neither did the disciples!
So I say you wear the shoes that God has so perfectly designed just for you! I may someday wear Prada shoes, but for now I'll take my bunny slippers :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Great Gumballs!
I am so amazed by how much I can get done around my house when I mention the word gum. I think I could get the kids to re-paint the walls all for a measly turn on the gumball machine. During Christmas, I was at a toy store getting the kids their Christmas gifts. When I turned the corner of one of the aisles, there positioned directly in front of me with an almost heavenly light shining down on it, was a red gumball machine! Well, my mommy/teacher brain went into overdrive! I thought what a perfect way to help get the kids motivated for doing extra help around the house. Yes, it is a reward system, not bribery. No, I don't always let them have gum even when they do the every day tasks such as making beds, flushing toilets, and brushing teeth...those are things that are a must!
I reward with gum when they do a random act of kindness, solve a problem without shattering the glass with screams, and my favorite doing something without complaining and sighing! The red machine has become a household favorite. I don't know what it is about a colorful little ball full of 20 second sugar blast that makes washing baseboards worth it.
It is not the gum that leads me off of a bridge, but a donut just might get me to repave the driveway :)
I reward with gum when they do a random act of kindness, solve a problem without shattering the glass with screams, and my favorite doing something without complaining and sighing! The red machine has become a household favorite. I don't know what it is about a colorful little ball full of 20 second sugar blast that makes washing baseboards worth it.
It is not the gum that leads me off of a bridge, but a donut just might get me to repave the driveway :)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
My Valentine
It is the little things that makes my heart know that the Lord has given me a Valentine for everyday of the year! Enjoy...
Our love story began when I was a little girl playing in my front yard. I looked up to the sky and began to ask God who I was going to marry. I couldn't stand not knowing, but a few years later I met the man who would become my husband. I was in the fourth grade and he was in the eighth. Of course he did not return the same crush at the time, it wasn't until I was seventeen that he finally took notice. Here we are almost 12 years later and I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect match. I truly believe that God is the one who brought us together because he completes me in all the areas that I lack in. I believe that our love story is unique because if doesn't consist of romantic dinners, exotic vacations, or beautiful jewelry. What makes him so beautiful to me is his commitment to our two children and me. He has stuck beside me through ALL of my ups and downs, supported me in my decision to continue my education and then to set it aside to be at home with our children.
The small details like painting my toenails or shaving my legs when I was too pregnant to bend over is what he is about. I have come home many times from doctor’s visits and he has already begun supper, or going to the grocery store when the kids were sick and I couldn't leave them. Instead of buying me a card at a holiday, he draws me a picture card, which consists of our home, kids, cat, dog, and fish (he even puts RIP beside one of the animals that is no longer with us). In anything that he does he puts our family first. He would climb the tallest mountain if he knew it was something I wanted to do. He never lets on that I am driving him crazy although I know I have to be. He remembers what I was wearing on our first date, as well as places that we went to on a lazy day that I can't recall at all. He knows me better than I know myself. When I have been at home for many days and he can tell that it is wearing on me, he will say, "why don't you go somewhere by yourself and I will put the kids to bed".
My husband is what I have dreamed of my whole life. I pictured my wedding day as being the most special day of my life, and he even allowed us to be married right in the middle of hunting season and on the same day as the TN/Georgia game! It poured down rain on our wedding day, but we didn't care. All I remember is walking down the isle and seeing how scared the poor fella looked. He has never left my side, nor do I think he will. Our story may not be much to others, but to me it is the world. His commitment to our marriage and family is more romantic than any vacation or jewelry store could offer.
God knew exactly what I needed to help me be whole again.
Our love story began when I was a little girl playing in my front yard. I looked up to the sky and began to ask God who I was going to marry. I couldn't stand not knowing, but a few years later I met the man who would become my husband. I was in the fourth grade and he was in the eighth. Of course he did not return the same crush at the time, it wasn't until I was seventeen that he finally took notice. Here we are almost 12 years later and I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect match. I truly believe that God is the one who brought us together because he completes me in all the areas that I lack in. I believe that our love story is unique because if doesn't consist of romantic dinners, exotic vacations, or beautiful jewelry. What makes him so beautiful to me is his commitment to our two children and me. He has stuck beside me through ALL of my ups and downs, supported me in my decision to continue my education and then to set it aside to be at home with our children.
The small details like painting my toenails or shaving my legs when I was too pregnant to bend over is what he is about. I have come home many times from doctor’s visits and he has already begun supper, or going to the grocery store when the kids were sick and I couldn't leave them. Instead of buying me a card at a holiday, he draws me a picture card, which consists of our home, kids, cat, dog, and fish (he even puts RIP beside one of the animals that is no longer with us). In anything that he does he puts our family first. He would climb the tallest mountain if he knew it was something I wanted to do. He never lets on that I am driving him crazy although I know I have to be. He remembers what I was wearing on our first date, as well as places that we went to on a lazy day that I can't recall at all. He knows me better than I know myself. When I have been at home for many days and he can tell that it is wearing on me, he will say, "why don't you go somewhere by yourself and I will put the kids to bed".
My husband is what I have dreamed of my whole life. I pictured my wedding day as being the most special day of my life, and he even allowed us to be married right in the middle of hunting season and on the same day as the TN/Georgia game! It poured down rain on our wedding day, but we didn't care. All I remember is walking down the isle and seeing how scared the poor fella looked. He has never left my side, nor do I think he will. Our story may not be much to others, but to me it is the world. His commitment to our marriage and family is more romantic than any vacation or jewelry store could offer.
God knew exactly what I needed to help me be whole again.
Monday, February 9, 2009
My Superpower
Well, once again the stomach bug has arrived at my home. No, it can't stay away it any longer than 2-3 weeks...just enough time for us to be out and about and feeling free again, until...boom! There he is again. Sigh. Well, I am thankful for medicine, and insurance, and nurses on call, and Popsicles, a washer, dryer, dishwasher, and most of all a helping husband! I would totally drown in the stuff that is coming out both ends if it weren't for him. He totally gets me. He totally gets that I need help. Sigh. Thank you Lord.
Tonite in the midst of a crying baby with a high fever, a antsy sibling who thinks her sick brother is getting more love b/c of the gazillion Popsicles, and waiting anxiously for the nurse to call back; I told my husband "you know if I could have a superpower it would be to have an "x-ray germ detector!" That's right, I would spot out the people who are so "kind"(loose translation) to carry their sickness to places that they are only going to be for an hour or so.
Let me break down the logic they may be thinking, ahem:
The grocery store: I'll just be 5 minutes, I only need bread and milk
(My x-ray vision says...you drag that junk in with you just by breathing out your nose, mouth, and hands...)
Gymnastics: The class is only an hour or so, little Sally seemed fine this morning, and didn't have to leave school early, so she is not sick...only to throw up all night long and contract pink eye.
(My x-ray translation says...if they look like they are going to fall out any minute and don't want to participate, chances are, they are sick!)
Church: We will only be there for 2 hours, what can it hurt?
(my translation...STAY HOME! If little Jr. has a lime green runny nose, and cough...chances are, he has something)
Excuse my cynicism, I am just tired of spending what we are working so hard to save on medicine and doctor visits all because someone doesn't want to take time out of their lives to stay home with their sick child. I understand that alot of people have to work, but the day cares and schools don't need to have an outbreak, so use that vacation time or sick leave. Please I am begging you (well, really I am the only one who reads this, so I guess I am speaking to the choir on this) stay home and nurture those sick little ducklings that have been entrusted to you (us?).
There is plenty of time to make those trips to Wal-mart and the bible study. God understands this season of life. He totally gets it and will make a way for that lost paycheck to be made up. So, stay home and catch up on some rest and nurture everyone back to health...the world will still be rotating on its axis...it won't slip.
Tonite in the midst of a crying baby with a high fever, a antsy sibling who thinks her sick brother is getting more love b/c of the gazillion Popsicles, and waiting anxiously for the nurse to call back; I told my husband "you know if I could have a superpower it would be to have an "x-ray germ detector!" That's right, I would spot out the people who are so "kind"(loose translation) to carry their sickness to places that they are only going to be for an hour or so.
Let me break down the logic they may be thinking, ahem:
The grocery store: I'll just be 5 minutes, I only need bread and milk
(My x-ray vision says...you drag that junk in with you just by breathing out your nose, mouth, and hands...)
Gymnastics: The class is only an hour or so, little Sally seemed fine this morning, and didn't have to leave school early, so she is not sick...only to throw up all night long and contract pink eye.
(My x-ray translation says...if they look like they are going to fall out any minute and don't want to participate, chances are, they are sick!)
Church: We will only be there for 2 hours, what can it hurt?
(my translation...STAY HOME! If little Jr. has a lime green runny nose, and cough...chances are, he has something)
Excuse my cynicism, I am just tired of spending what we are working so hard to save on medicine and doctor visits all because someone doesn't want to take time out of their lives to stay home with their sick child. I understand that alot of people have to work, but the day cares and schools don't need to have an outbreak, so use that vacation time or sick leave. Please I am begging you (well, really I am the only one who reads this, so I guess I am speaking to the choir on this) stay home and nurture those sick little ducklings that have been entrusted to you (us?).
There is plenty of time to make those trips to Wal-mart and the bible study. God understands this season of life. He totally gets it and will make a way for that lost paycheck to be made up. So, stay home and catch up on some rest and nurture everyone back to health...the world will still be rotating on its axis...it won't slip.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Where Does My Help Come From..
Today is one of those days where I am trying to find a little bit of quiet time for myself, but one of the children doesn't want it to be that way. This is the time that I need to study for a SS lesson, read, or just get caught up on laundry and a shower, but sometimes one of my little ones wants to keep being with "mommy." I have forgotten about the many days not to long ago when I would pray "Lord, you know this paper is due in a few days and I need to get it done, will you please send an angel to sing over Emily, so I can study?" It would always amaze me time and time again how I would lay her down, and she would sleep the length of time that I needed to work! I had many people who did not feel that my going to school was something I should be doing with a baby at home.
I will agree that going to Graduate school full time, as well as a full time mom, wife, grocery shopper, house keeper, etc is not the most recommended choice for a person to manage; but I had different instructions than most people. I didn't know why I was doing all of that at that time, but the Lord did. I was an absolute wreck on the inside. I was a ticking time bomb that was about to expire. I had no clue what was really going on with me...until I was put in the pressure cooker and wine press. I felt as though everything I had ever felt or experienced growing up had been slowly cooking me on the inside. I appeared to have it all together and know everything, but on the inside the juices that were simmering were anger, rejection, frustration, pride, jealousy, resentment, anxiety...must I continue??
To give a little back story to all of this, I graduated from high school tired of the drama, lies, insecurity, and hopelessness that I allowed to pour into myself. I had many family issues which in turned grew into acting out in many ways that I am ashamed. I have been forgiven of it all, but it is still hurtful at times to know how much time has been thrown away on foolishness. I married Donnie a year into college when I was barley 20. Most all of my friends were enjoying the life of freedom and college dorms while I was trying to figure out what kind of wallpaper to put up in my kitchen. I had a very successful career in college because I discovered for the first time that I could read, write, and spell! I wasn't an idiot after all who would do little with my life. I was so proud that I had finally made it to something successful in the eyes of my family. We scraped every semester to pay for my school and I am so proud of my diligent husband b/c I was able to walk away debt free! I didn't have a brand new home to show off to my friends, but I also don't have that monkey on my back today either! My college years were wonderful because they were a time when I discovered that I could be something, and have a purpose. I didn't have to always be fighting with someone, or looking for a boyfriend. I had left it all behind even my family in search for a higher life for myself. I was very proud of my accomplishments. I had begun to discover that I could actually live a joyful life inspite of my circumstances.
When I entered into Graduate school I knew that it was major divine intervention. There was no way no how that I was going to be able to finish one semester let alone a whole degree with a new child. Now, I mentioned before that all those lovely juices had been simmering in the pressure cooker for a long, long time...well here comes the wine press. The Lord saw it high time to squeeze all of that junk out of me, and it was NOT pretty! I won't go into all of the details, but I will say that it started with the birth of my daughter and the death of my father-in-law within 11 days of each other. We had 3 weeks to prepare for his upcoming death, and 3 weeks for my upcoming delivery. Now keep in mind that my husband is the only child, and a son at that. He is the spitting image of his father in looks and actions...and here comes the first grandchild. Oh, I cannot tell you how much stress there was in our home. I didn't know whether to be excited or devastated. The day we left the hospital with Emily we went straight to the hospital to see his father. At this point his father could hardly speak, and was too weak to get out of the bed. He saw Emily and held her for the first time. He knew who he was looking at. He knew that this was his "Ms. Emily" as he called her. He would see her one last time before he passed, but he would not recognize her or Donnie, or even Donnie's mother. 2 weeks after my first Born's birth we were burying my husband's hero.
That was only the beginning of my journey through the wine press...sometimes the pain hurt so bad I wanted to numb it with much wine! I never did, b/c thankfully I knew that somewhere deep down the Lord was going to pull me through it. He has and I am eternally grateful. I have been through what feels like hell and back for me personally, but I am so thankful that I didn't stop. I believe that just like the man who discovered the river in the Grand Canyon, he had to go through many rough waters in order to come to the end and find the still waters. This is where I am today. I am in the still waters. Not that the rough ones may come again, and they will...I am just glad that I don't have to paddle with my arms by myself.
I will agree that going to Graduate school full time, as well as a full time mom, wife, grocery shopper, house keeper, etc is not the most recommended choice for a person to manage; but I had different instructions than most people. I didn't know why I was doing all of that at that time, but the Lord did. I was an absolute wreck on the inside. I was a ticking time bomb that was about to expire. I had no clue what was really going on with me...until I was put in the pressure cooker and wine press. I felt as though everything I had ever felt or experienced growing up had been slowly cooking me on the inside. I appeared to have it all together and know everything, but on the inside the juices that were simmering were anger, rejection, frustration, pride, jealousy, resentment, anxiety...must I continue??
To give a little back story to all of this, I graduated from high school tired of the drama, lies, insecurity, and hopelessness that I allowed to pour into myself. I had many family issues which in turned grew into acting out in many ways that I am ashamed. I have been forgiven of it all, but it is still hurtful at times to know how much time has been thrown away on foolishness. I married Donnie a year into college when I was barley 20. Most all of my friends were enjoying the life of freedom and college dorms while I was trying to figure out what kind of wallpaper to put up in my kitchen. I had a very successful career in college because I discovered for the first time that I could read, write, and spell! I wasn't an idiot after all who would do little with my life. I was so proud that I had finally made it to something successful in the eyes of my family. We scraped every semester to pay for my school and I am so proud of my diligent husband b/c I was able to walk away debt free! I didn't have a brand new home to show off to my friends, but I also don't have that monkey on my back today either! My college years were wonderful because they were a time when I discovered that I could be something, and have a purpose. I didn't have to always be fighting with someone, or looking for a boyfriend. I had left it all behind even my family in search for a higher life for myself. I was very proud of my accomplishments. I had begun to discover that I could actually live a joyful life inspite of my circumstances.
When I entered into Graduate school I knew that it was major divine intervention. There was no way no how that I was going to be able to finish one semester let alone a whole degree with a new child. Now, I mentioned before that all those lovely juices had been simmering in the pressure cooker for a long, long time...well here comes the wine press. The Lord saw it high time to squeeze all of that junk out of me, and it was NOT pretty! I won't go into all of the details, but I will say that it started with the birth of my daughter and the death of my father-in-law within 11 days of each other. We had 3 weeks to prepare for his upcoming death, and 3 weeks for my upcoming delivery. Now keep in mind that my husband is the only child, and a son at that. He is the spitting image of his father in looks and actions...and here comes the first grandchild. Oh, I cannot tell you how much stress there was in our home. I didn't know whether to be excited or devastated. The day we left the hospital with Emily we went straight to the hospital to see his father. At this point his father could hardly speak, and was too weak to get out of the bed. He saw Emily and held her for the first time. He knew who he was looking at. He knew that this was his "Ms. Emily" as he called her. He would see her one last time before he passed, but he would not recognize her or Donnie, or even Donnie's mother. 2 weeks after my first Born's birth we were burying my husband's hero.
That was only the beginning of my journey through the wine press...sometimes the pain hurt so bad I wanted to numb it with much wine! I never did, b/c thankfully I knew that somewhere deep down the Lord was going to pull me through it. He has and I am eternally grateful. I have been through what feels like hell and back for me personally, but I am so thankful that I didn't stop. I believe that just like the man who discovered the river in the Grand Canyon, he had to go through many rough waters in order to come to the end and find the still waters. This is where I am today. I am in the still waters. Not that the rough ones may come again, and they will...I am just glad that I don't have to paddle with my arms by myself.
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