Trick or Treat Camping Style

Last weekend my family took a family camping trip. We went about a month ago and enjoyed it so much, we couldn't pass up the opportunity to go again while autumn is in the air. The campground we were going to had several things for the kids to participate in such as a pumpkin painting contest, costume contest, and trick or treating through the park! I am not very big on Halloween because I have always wondered if it was something I should participate in. Something about this opportunity seemed right. We had a few setbacks on the way there such as a tire that doesn't want to stay aired.

We made it safely and set up camp. The air was crisp, the sounds were quiet, and the trees were full of golden colors. I couldn't stop staring! I have also been noticing the clouds lately and I look in amazement as they seem to tell the story of God's majesty. I have always felt as though I am a nothing on this earth. God sees me, but chooses to look other ways. Well, I believe on the last trip he did something special for me that I didn't even tell my husband about b/c I wanted to keep it to myself and enjoy it without anyone else knowing. The night before we left I watched a video called "Indescribable" by Louie Giglio. It was about how the outer space and its magnificent creation. I was amazed but still trying to get passed the blue part that I could see with my eye. So, the next day while I was trying to "make" myself believe that the God of this huge universe, did see me trucking down the road to a place in the middle of backwoods country. As we traveled, there was not a cloud in the sky...pure blue. The next time I looked again, there had been a thin line of clouds crossing each other into the shape of THE CROSS! I squealed with excitement, told the kids to look out the window, and there were more and more and more! The whole way there, the sky would have a cross in it. How amazing is this God that we can call our Father!I have always envied the Israelites b/c they had a cloud to follow during day as when to move...well, sometimes I want to know when to move and when to stay; so I definitely knew that he saw me loaded down in the truck heading somewhere I had no clue as to what would transpire.

Do I digress back to the trip. We did a lot of family fun things this time such as going to a civil war fort, a place called the Homeplace which is a live working farm set back in the 1850's which was really interesting. But I think we had the most fun being at the campground and painting pumpkins, carving pumpkins, and dressing up the kids for trick or treating. Like I said before, I wasn't so sure about this T/T thing. My mother wouldn't let us do it, then we started to go to church to do it, then she let me do it one year...so I have had a bit of confusion. I am at the point now where going to trunk or treat (although is a more fun alternative) is the same thing to me as going door to door. As the kids and I went through the park receiving very good candy ( no pitiful candy in that park), I couldn't help but to be overcome with peace and contentment about where we were and what was going on. I didn't have a sense of condemnation for collecting candy while my kids were in a costume. I felt joy. I felt a love for the people that we walked by. Many it was easy to see that they didn't know the same God that wrote in the sky for me. They didn't get a sick feeling in their stomachs at the sight of something evil. They didn't stand in awe of knowing that my God, the God who created all things hidden and all things seen; knew just how many leaves had fallen and how many acorns were on the ground. I could see the emptiness or joylessness on their face, but my God could see in their heart! I question my Father way more than I should. I doubt Him immensely. I shy away from Him often when I feel rejected when I should be running to His comforting arms.

I pondered on Romans 11:33-35 the best I could and try to wrap my arms around those wonderful lines...

"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and His ways past finding out! For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has become His counselor? Or who has first given to Him and it shall be repaid to Him? For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things to whom be glory forever."

Whoa. That is all I can say. I walked through with my little Queen Esther and little mummy( well he had on a shirt that said "I Love my Mummy) and realized, "I have so missed the point so many times. How I have laid in waste and listened to lie after lie instead of my sweet creator wanting to whisper life into my ears. It was so refreshing to be able to get away from everything that pulls me away from looking to Him. It was real out there and it was simple. Once again I come back to simplicity. My heart no longer ached for politics, the computer, TV, telephone, Wal-Mart. It ached for the souls of my neighbors and family. It made me look long and hard into the blazing campfire and realize that there will be many who will be lost to that....forever. My heart weeped. It stirred fear and dread within me. It stirred a determination to go tell it to every one.

So to sum it all up, we did have setbacks that could have swung our attitudes very easily into a fight, but yet we chose to rejoice. It was a time that the Father showered us with His love a creation. My very conservative family took a vote and agreed that this was the best Halloween that we have ever had.

My Soap Box of America

I am really feeling heavy at this moment, so I thought that I would try to blog out my thoughts basically to myself because I am my only audience :) For a while now I have been having several themes in my mind that I am not sure if it from the Lord as a warning, or just a gentle reminder from him how precious our time on this earth (or this country) is. One theme I have been mulling over for a while is the 7 years of harvest and 7 years of famine, which of course took place in Joseph's time slot in the Bible. Another theme is "I am not promised tomorrow, so make today one surrendered to the Lord. A third one is "I need a will", and a 4Th one keep praying even when it doesn't feel it matters. I am very concerned for our country right now. I fact, I am very concerned for our world, nation, earth, anything that is on this planet! I don't know if the Lord is about to make a move in this time on this side of heaven, but I am really jittery in my spirit. I know that there are people that I trust that I ask about this economy and they reply that everything will be fine, it will go back to the way that it was, blah blah blah. Well, what if we have really shot ourselves in the foot this time? What if we have gotten so far away from God, that He is going to turn us over o our own lusts? I think we have gotten about as far away from Him as possible and not been regretful. I believe that we have been so over-indulgent with anything and everything we can get our hands on we are finally bringing ourselves to ruin. Are we not like the Romans in that we indulge in anything that pleases the flesh? I am not pointing any fingers without pointing 3 right back at myself.

We have known so much freedom. Freedom in our churches to worship freely. Freedom in our homes to send our children out to school or keep them at home for school. Freedom to buy and sell anything, and at one click away to someone in China! Freedom to go o Sonic and choose from 188,000 different flavors of drinks. Freedom to have as many children as we choose. Freedom to mix and marry races and social classes. Freedom for EVERYONE to receive an education and higher education is wanted. The list could go on and on. We are the Land of the Free...but for how long? Is our country about to set the stage for eternity to be ushered in? My heart leaps yes, yes, yes....but wait! There is still so much to do. So many who need to hear the word. So many who need to accept Jesus. So many who are going to be lost forever and ever and ever. My neighbors who I walk by everyday and think they don't want to talk. My postman who I only wave at and don't know what his eyes look like behind his sunglasses. The boy that runs the gas station that I ask how his school is going. Family members. Close friends. This numbs me to think about. How ashamed I am that I have selfishly spent my day thinking of 101 ways of why I drive my kids crazy. I have mulled over and over today about why they have to be such sinners and drive me crazy. Or I have let myself become weary in trying to do good. What I am afraid of is that I will be meeting Jesus face to face while wearing my sweatpants with a bottle of Windex in hand because that seemed more important at the time.

I don't know if I should start stuffing my mattress just yet, but I am afraid that we may be in for a time of famine. Maybe I should look on the bright side...when hard times hit, people hit their knees right? It has been 7 years since 9/11, and I am a little worried that the sleeping giant may be asleep again. We value Starbucks more than the millions of babies lost every year because they "weren't coming at a good time". The place where the Pilgrims landed is now home to Adam and Steve. Our schools had pride and prayer, now they have shooting and drugs. Our churches that once had revival no have the same stats of divorce rates among non church members. I could stay on this soap box all night long, but I will end because I have to teach my little ones tomorrow how to put on the armor and fight against all that is being thrown at us!

This is the day the Lord has made

This week has been different for us around the house. My mother in law has been staying with me while D is away hunting. I don't like staying by myself, so I asked her to stay with me. In the past I would have to grit my teeth because both of us are very strong women who love the same man. There has always been one problem to our relationship...neither one of us wanted to be wrong, and we both wanted to have the last word. I have had to stand up to her on several occasions, but I never enjoyed it. Anytime I would confront her, the hard exterior that she showed suddenly began to soften. I began to understand that deep down I know that she wanted to like me, I just didn't know how to get to that point of grace with her. Over time, the Lord worked out so much anger and resentment in me and replaced it with patience, love, and respect! Don't get me wrong, my hair on my neck can still bristle, but it is only when I am not allowing the Lord to help me to let it go. As she left this morning, I was overwhelmed with a sense of thanksgiving that she was willing to sacrifice her comfortable bed in exchange for an unknown one. I am so overcome with supernatural love and peace because the Lord has truly done an awesome work in me to NOT be filled with so much anger against her. At this moment I would rather share the good news of our restored friendship rather than hunting down a friend to dump all my sorrows on.

When the kids and I are having a rough time, I sing a song to change the mood and bring focus back on Jesus. (If that doesn't work, we all stop and hit the floor before I hit the roof :) One thing that I waited until the very last to do in this situation was sing thanksgiving to the Lord for the people that, for reasons known to Him, He has strategically placed in my life rather than grumbling and complaining. I may never know why he put my MIL and I together, but I am defiantly a testimony that MIL's are not the worst thing that have ever happened...

Rejoice in the Lord Always and Again I say Rejoice!

This Is the Day that the Lord has Made, I will rejoice and be Glad in it!

A few days ago a precious friend sent me a note of encouragement and asked how she could pray for me. Well, I quickly knew what I wanted to say because it has been weighing so heavily on me for a while now and I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out if I should be praying for that specific thing or not. You see, I have been mulling over some thoughts in my mind and wondering if they are God's will for me or my will. I have been allowing myself to get caught in the trap of is this from me or from God? I am afraid that he doesn't hear me. I am afraid that he doesn't see me. I am afraid that he will ignore any request that I have or any desire that may be in my heart. I have always yearned so deeply to sit at His feet, but I have never felt like He wants me at His feet. Maybe he will hear what I have to say, but maybe my thoughts are selfish and stupid. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Can you sense the frustration? I have felt my entire life that I was the biggest waste of space, and constantly in the way. I was a natural dreamer as a child, but I was left to feel that was all they were...dreams. They would never come true, why should my dreams come true for me when they didn't come true for anyone else in my family. I was ignored alot and left to find my own path in life. I was given the responsibility to make my own choices and figure out what I was to do in a situation. I am thankful that the Lord scooped me up in His hands like a wounded baby bird and held me, but I of course jumped out of His hands to find my own way which only equals to regrets. Because I was left to make my own choices it has left me with the disability of questioning everything I do. I am trying so hard to get it right with the Lord, I just want to make sure that I am not messing anything up or leaving anything out. This is really quite pathetic to say the least. I am a last born, but have first born tendencies...go figure!

My family is highly dysfunctional. I know most families are, but mine has the hidden subtleties of being dysfunctional. You don't' see it until you have been around for a little while, and then before you know it, you don't see it anymore, and you become like the rest. I love my family, but there is one thing that has always trailed me, and pinched my nerve and that is lack of faith and hope. I am not the only one who was ignored. I am not the only one who lived with siblings who were treated as celebrities. I am not the only one who stood by every one's side only to be overlooked. I am not the only one who's hopes and dreams were crushed by critical spirits. They were too. They were just passing down what they had learned...or not learned. They had decided to hang onto their ashes instead of trading them for beauty. They had decided not to worship.

I reading 2 Samuel 13, where Tamar is raped by her brother Amnon,I have drawn many applications but one really stood out to me the most. The bible says that she lived with her brother and was a desolate woman. She gave up. She let life pass her by. She lived in the arms of her tragedy and not her Lord. If she worshipped before, did she after? My guess would be most likely not. Or if she did it was it in the comforts of her brother's home, not a family of her own? I have such sorrow for Tamar and all the others who don't choose to worship. I am right there with them at times. When I am feeling vulnerable or beaten by the world, my familiar tendencies to resort right back to the desolate places happen. I am going to have to refuse to be desolate, and choose to worship. I am going to have to get rid of the lies that God doesn't delight in me. He knows the plans he has for me, he knows the desires of my heart, he knows how it all will work out, but the question is...will I wait for Him in worship for his reply?


Worship. What does this word mean anyways? I have heard it countless times, but wasn't so sure as to what it really meant.

The Vine's Dictionary defines Worship this way: prostrate oneself, bow down. oh my goodness, did I about do a back flip. I am sure that I have heard this before, but it was not registering in my brain as though it had been there before!

When I am dry, I need worship. (bow down)
When I am hungry, I need worship (bow down)
When I am lonely, I need worship (bow down)
When I am scared, I need worship (bow down)
When I am beaten, I need worship (bow down)
When I am rejected, I need worship (bow down)
When I am prideful, I need worship
When I am broken, I need worship
When I am arrogant, I need worship
When I am defeated, I need worship
When I am angry, I need worship
When I am anxious, I need worship
When I am jealous, I need worship
When I am wrong, i need worship

In laughter, I find worship (the Lord)
In song, I find worship (the Lord)
In forgiveness, I find worship (the Lord)
In friendship, I find worship
In hospitality, I find worship
In love, I find worship
In prayer, I find worship
In serving, I find worship
In resting, I find worship



Just a few more ramblings from the hammock....

All day today I have been battling the war of "I can't say anything without effecting someone". All day no matter what I say, I am the one to blame, have to take responsibility for everything, etc. This is impossible. Being a mother is almost impossible. I am reminded more and more that what I say and how I say it will be weighed by a very intelligent kindergartner and toddler. Why is it that I can't seem to have a bad moment? If I become frustrated and let out disappointment, and notice that I have hurt someones feelings, why is it me that is always apologizing? I am learning to be careful and not let my anger rise up and take control. I have learned to hold my tongue when I want to let it spew. I have also found ways to find the positive rather than the negative, but I still fell like the whole tone of the house rests on me. Why can't I just be allowed to make mistakes and not feel like my choice will send my children running for the hills at age 18 to join a cult? I have tired so hard to not be like the generations set before me, and I think I have done pretty well so far. I am not even close to perfection...which I don't have to be. :) I am however tired of feeling like I am always under the microscope and any false move it will be detrimental to my children some how. I fear that I am tired and frustrated with myself therefore I will rub off on my kids that I am dissatisfied in someway, leading to a disorder of some kind down the road. Ugghhh....I guess I think too much and get no where but here blogging about my worries. Maybe I need to relax and just live it all out, let the Lord work it out and apologize for anything that I couldn't and shouldn't have done.

My Tribute for the Not so Perfect Mom:

I am sorry kids that I once tried to uphold the standards for myself of being perfect, but I perfectly failed. I have not always been a happy camper about my mommy duties and I think you have known...well, I am positive that you have. It has been hard to change diapers all day long, tend to endless dishes, meals, schoolwork, fighting, scrapes, interrupted bathroom breaks and many other chores of a mom. I am sorry if I have ignored you, didn't encourage you when you really needed it, didn't hear what you were really trying to say and most importantly teaching you any disrespect for your father. Please understand that I am learning as you go. I am learning just as my parents and grandparents did as they went along...praise the Lord that I haven't given up on you or me. Well, I could spend more time saying what I haven't done right, but all I can say is thank the Lord for forgiveness and new mercies every morning. As your mommy, I have done the best I could with the best tools that I have: the bible and much prayer. Thank you for enduring me as your mother, and thank you for letting me give you all my love.

No Comparison

I am tired. I am weary. I am keeping the faith as best as I can, and trying to keep on doing good and know that someday I will reap a harvest. I don't know if I am totally believing with all of my heart just yet, but I think it is just the crust in the corner of my eye that is keeping me from seeing the light. I went through my college career as newlywed, went through Graduate school (counseling program no less) with a toddler at home. Everyone thought I was crazy, lost it, completely nuts...but I knew God called me to it, so he would bring me through it...and He did. I didn't think that I would survive all that I did, but I am still here typing away. I had many weary nights, many tears, many fights, but He still held me up and told me to keep going, that I could do it. I knew I had to obey. I knew that one day there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. That light did come and 4 weeks later my next child came as well. Now I am here without a paying job. I have no benefits or paid vacation. I am more tired, more confused, but more joyful. I don't know how to explain it, but all I can say is there is a deep peace that runs in my soul. I have never been so content. I have never known that something is so right. I know that as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning all hell could break loose, but this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it! He has called me to something that i would never have called myself to. All the naysayers congratulated me when I graduated from Graduate school. Then they quickly recanted when we said we were homeschooling. I guess when my kids win a Pulitzer prize or a gold medal in the Olympics then they will understand. It doesn't really matter to me what my kids grow up be, all I pray for them is that they follow God's plan. His plans don't always make sense at the time, but his ways are perfect. I don't' know why he chose us to teach our own children, but He does. I am trusting Him to help me when I am so tired I can't recall a simple fact because this is where He wants me.

Missed Opportunity

Yesterday was my 10 year high school reunion. Did I go you ask?? No, unfortunately I didn't. I was wishy-washy about going up until the end and my friend really wanted me to go, so I said that I would. I sent my money in to reserve a plate, but then a few days before, the lunch was cancelled and they were only going to be getting together. Well, I knew that that was not going to fly for my family. 2 small children, old pictures and movies were not going to go very well. Plus, I had an old friend who was having a baby shower that same day, so I opted not to go. I felt a little torn about going. On one hand I really didn't care anything about going because I literally have not seen those people since high school, so I really feel like they were strangers. On the other hand wanted to say "I am sorry for all the grief that I had caused you back then", but I missed the opportunity. I don't know if the Lord was prompting me to go to make amends, ask forgiveness, or if it was the enemy's way of persuading me to go only to find myself back in a pit like back then. I will probably never know, but a part of me really wanted to face them. Who you ask? The girls who were supposed to be my best friends, but really our friendship only ran through the gossip mill. We were teenagers who were rebellious and full of mischief. We fought constantly but then quickly made up. I don't blame them for everything that happened because I felt like the ringleader, the master of gossip and destruction. then enemy knew how to push my buttons in order to push theirs. I am so regretful for how I treated anyone back then, and I have never seen any of them to say that I was wrong. I don't know if I am relieved that I didn't go or not. How do I know that they would have been happy to see me? How do I know that they would have received what I said? All I know is that I feel really disappointed right now, and maybe that is how I am supposed to feel on a missed opportunity. An opportunity to make things right. An opportunity to say "Hey, see how the Lord has changed me! Can you believe it!" Only the Lord takes trash and makes something new with it. Who would have thought I could have ever been anything other than what I was! It is not that I have accomplished some great feat or invented something, or even the most successful. No, I am just the average home school mom, who still has dishes to wash and diapers to change; but I am different. I can feel regret about this forever, but instead I am going to choose that maybe the Lord shielded me on this one. I have prayed in the past for their forgiveness, maybe my time will come again.

Who can resist these angel faces!

Trying to Cut and Run

I have been reading a book titles "A Mom Just Like You" written by Vickie Farris a homeschooling mother of 10 children. When I first read the title I thought "oh wonderful, someone I can relate to", until I saw the 10 children part. It is actually one of the best books I have ever read. It is very practical and encouraging and at times convicting. In her chapter titled "When do I get a coffee break" she talks about dying to self and doing the will of the Lord with a servants attitude. I selfishly turned to this chapter in hopes to find someone telling me "hey girl, you deserve to go get your nails done and get a great new outfit! You have worked so hard with the kids and put up with so much". But that is not what I found, I found the opposite. She quotes Mark8: 34-36 where Jesus says "If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall loose it; but whoever looses his life for My sake and the gospel's shall save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?" Whoa!! I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting sympathy, pity for my hard work and no return for the appreciation. Instead I hear, "If you want to be my disciple, pick up your cross and follow me. I don't hear Jesus saying that we can't ever take a break for ourselves or that I can't go get my nails done..but I have agreed to follow him and sometimes the journey is long a tough. Yesterday I didn't know it as I do today, but I was trying to lay down my cross and forfeit God's plan to gain for myself. I had a rough day with the children. They didn't play well with others which embarrassed me because I felt that it was reflecting on who I was as a person. I reacted to the situation and didn't look at the issue of their heart...only mine. I looked at how it embarrassed me, how if they can't respect me or others maybe they needed to be with other children in school so they would learn the hard way. Maybe their teacher's would be able to teach them better than I have because they are obviously not learning squat from me other than to react to a situation, drink unhealthy drinks such as coffee and coke, and to lecture. I was quick to speak and quick to anger. Doesn't the bible say to be slow to both of those things? After mulling over how fast can I put the school phone number in the phone and get tour of the school, my heart was sinking because I knew I was letting the enemy get to me. In my mind I knew that life would "seem" to be easier if I could send them to school, have a job cleaning houses ( I like to clean other people's houses...I know it's weird), have more time to volunteer, clean my own house, grocery shop, etc life would be so much happier. The kids would be happier, less stress, and have daily friends.

But then I read this chapter, and there it staring back at me. I have now realized that I have not only tried to lay down my cross, but I feel that I have sinned against God. I have in my actions and in my heart said "Guess what, this ain't workin' for me..so I am going to do what I want to do now." Isn't there scripture about a man making plans for himself, but the Lord is the one who really guides his steps?? OK, so now I have moved from frustration into rebellion. You may be saying "I don't see how you rebelled, you didn't do anything wrong." Your right, I didn't on the outside...but I did on the inside. God is a searcher of hearts. He knows our motives because He sees into our hearts. He saw the rebellion clouding up my once happy and perky obedience to do this wild ride. But now he sees that I am trying to get out of the car and find my own car. My favorite verse is 1 Chronicles 28: 9, "acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, For the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek Him He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, he will reject you forever." He knows what I am thinking or what my motives are before I do. He sees them all. It may have taken me 12 hours to figure this out, but he knew instantly. Why? because he is my maker. He is the potter I am the clay. He is the doll maker, I am the doll. He knows my ins and outs. he knows my fear and anxieties. Does it surprise him? NO! He knows my weaknesses and weariness. Does He think I can do this? Obviously because this is where he brought me to. 5 years ago, I was planning on being a stay at home mom until Emily started school. She was going to go the the cute private school down from where I was going to have my cute counseling office. Did any of that happen? It did for a short time until the Lord put a spark in our hearts to travel this path. I had plans, but so did he. Am I resentful? No, because this way has been the sweeter path. This way has provided more joy and peace than I ever thought possible. I only think I miss the other path when I let my light go out and I can't see where I am going. The Lord says " Thy word is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path." I have to admit, I have let my light slowly go out on the path because I have been sleeping in and missing my time with Him in the morning. Is he angry with me? No. Is He going to turn His back? No. I am the one who has been letting the light get dimmer and dimmer therefore leading to what I described up above.

Lord, forgive my rebellious heart. It may not seem like a huge rebellious act to someone on the outside, but i know that my peace has been snuffed out. Thank you for reminding me to not let my light burn out, nor lay down my cross. I pray that you help me to have a willing heart to do what you have called me to do. Thank you for the ride.