Trying to Cut and Run

I have been reading a book titles "A Mom Just Like You" written by Vickie Farris a homeschooling mother of 10 children. When I first read the title I thought "oh wonderful, someone I can relate to", until I saw the 10 children part. It is actually one of the best books I have ever read. It is very practical and encouraging and at times convicting. In her chapter titled "When do I get a coffee break" she talks about dying to self and doing the will of the Lord with a servants attitude. I selfishly turned to this chapter in hopes to find someone telling me "hey girl, you deserve to go get your nails done and get a great new outfit! You have worked so hard with the kids and put up with so much". But that is not what I found, I found the opposite. She quotes Mark8: 34-36 where Jesus says "If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall loose it; but whoever looses his life for My sake and the gospel's shall save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?" Whoa!! I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting sympathy, pity for my hard work and no return for the appreciation. Instead I hear, "If you want to be my disciple, pick up your cross and follow me. I don't hear Jesus saying that we can't ever take a break for ourselves or that I can't go get my nails done..but I have agreed to follow him and sometimes the journey is long a tough. Yesterday I didn't know it as I do today, but I was trying to lay down my cross and forfeit God's plan to gain for myself. I had a rough day with the children. They didn't play well with others which embarrassed me because I felt that it was reflecting on who I was as a person. I reacted to the situation and didn't look at the issue of their heart...only mine. I looked at how it embarrassed me, how if they can't respect me or others maybe they needed to be with other children in school so they would learn the hard way. Maybe their teacher's would be able to teach them better than I have because they are obviously not learning squat from me other than to react to a situation, drink unhealthy drinks such as coffee and coke, and to lecture. I was quick to speak and quick to anger. Doesn't the bible say to be slow to both of those things? After mulling over how fast can I put the school phone number in the phone and get tour of the school, my heart was sinking because I knew I was letting the enemy get to me. In my mind I knew that life would "seem" to be easier if I could send them to school, have a job cleaning houses ( I like to clean other people's houses...I know it's weird), have more time to volunteer, clean my own house, grocery shop, etc life would be so much happier. The kids would be happier, less stress, and have daily friends.

But then I read this chapter, and there it staring back at me. I have now realized that I have not only tried to lay down my cross, but I feel that I have sinned against God. I have in my actions and in my heart said "Guess what, this ain't workin' for me..so I am going to do what I want to do now." Isn't there scripture about a man making plans for himself, but the Lord is the one who really guides his steps?? OK, so now I have moved from frustration into rebellion. You may be saying "I don't see how you rebelled, you didn't do anything wrong." Your right, I didn't on the outside...but I did on the inside. God is a searcher of hearts. He knows our motives because He sees into our hearts. He saw the rebellion clouding up my once happy and perky obedience to do this wild ride. But now he sees that I am trying to get out of the car and find my own car. My favorite verse is 1 Chronicles 28: 9, "acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, For the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek Him He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, he will reject you forever." He knows what I am thinking or what my motives are before I do. He sees them all. It may have taken me 12 hours to figure this out, but he knew instantly. Why? because he is my maker. He is the potter I am the clay. He is the doll maker, I am the doll. He knows my ins and outs. he knows my fear and anxieties. Does it surprise him? NO! He knows my weaknesses and weariness. Does He think I can do this? Obviously because this is where he brought me to. 5 years ago, I was planning on being a stay at home mom until Emily started school. She was going to go the the cute private school down from where I was going to have my cute counseling office. Did any of that happen? It did for a short time until the Lord put a spark in our hearts to travel this path. I had plans, but so did he. Am I resentful? No, because this way has been the sweeter path. This way has provided more joy and peace than I ever thought possible. I only think I miss the other path when I let my light go out and I can't see where I am going. The Lord says " Thy word is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path." I have to admit, I have let my light slowly go out on the path because I have been sleeping in and missing my time with Him in the morning. Is he angry with me? No. Is He going to turn His back? No. I am the one who has been letting the light get dimmer and dimmer therefore leading to what I described up above.

Lord, forgive my rebellious heart. It may not seem like a huge rebellious act to someone on the outside, but i know that my peace has been snuffed out. Thank you for reminding me to not let my light burn out, nor lay down my cross. I pray that you help me to have a willing heart to do what you have called me to do. Thank you for the ride.