Now that I have a little more time on my hands I am faced with the places in my home that have been neglected...how did it get so out of hand??? Ahh, yes...children that's how. I am going to allow grace to fall on me for that today. I may not have spotless baseboards, but hey my children can say the name of Jesus, thank you Lord for that!
Anytime I have gotten a break I have used that time to try to soak up some alone time with the Lord. Now, hear me out, I am not one of these that has it all together and grinds my own wheat. For goodness sakes my kids have had their fair share of bologna and cheese for lunch and spaghetti for dinner. I am just saying that I have to steal moments here and there for me to survive the day and not eat my young :)
I do love the story of Mary and Martha because there have been more days than I would like to admit where I wanted to be Martha instead, and I'll tell you why. It makes me feel good to have a clean and orderly house. If someone were to stop by I would love to be able to open my home and the guests not trip over shoes, socks, and monster trucks. It think it is just that sick lie that women tell themselves that in order to be good enough, or have it all together then a clean house is a must. I love the thought that the more I am at home the cleaner and more organized things would be, ha! Having small children in the home for any amount of time is going to equal disaster.
Deep in my spirit I really do want to be Mary. The thought of just shutting everything thing in the world out to get a drink of some cool living water is way more appealing than scrubbing my toilets. I am not one of those that hates housework either, I actually find it rather therapeutic at times ( I know have an illness).
I am slowly learning that this may be one of the reasons that we are in this season. As sad as it is to let go of homeschooling, I am allowing that light of joy to come up that I am getting a rest and refreshment from where we have been.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
A New Season
The life in our home has recently been turned upside down. I don't know why we are in this season, but I am defiantly in the season of letting go. Letting go stinks! I guess that is why we have to choose to "let go" because in our flesh we don't want to. I am rather frustrated, confused, relieved, and grieved all at the same time. We made the decision to send my daughter to school...sigh...tear...
There are several reasons why we chose to, and I really don't want to hash them all out just yet because I am still working through this choice. Our lives have become a clean slate of some sorts. We have decided to let go of a lot of things that have become a normal routine in our family. When I first took her to school, I felt as though someone had died. I felt numb, and sometimes I still do. Of course there are questions like mad running around in my mind like "did I not do enough?" Was I not good enough?", and plenty of other lies that I could tell myself all day long.
One thing is for sure, Satan is alive and ready to take someone out, and especially someone that he knows wants to be sold out for God. Call me a fanatic, freak, or whatever...but I have lived my life in the garbage can long enough and I am tired of it. I am tired of the same old lies, addictions, and rebellious traps that I can put myself in. I don't want pity from anyone nor advice unless it is going to be productive...but how do you preface that to someone who is about to open their mouth? I could go on all day about the "helpful" advice that I have received and it is just plain annoying.
Let me just say that if someone has a loss of some kind: a job, baby, spouse, friend, church, home, etc...the last thing they want to hear is how it was probably for the best. Maybe so...but it won't be recognized until sometime in the future, some may never recognize it. Romans 8:28 says that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God..." Our heads may know this verse and we tell ourselves this out loud to others, but deep down in the corner parts of our hearts and soul do we really believe this? Do we really trust that he will work all things together for good when we have no place to live when the final eviction notice comes, or what about when you stand in the doorway of the baby nursery that you have so longed to put a baby in that crib that has sat empty for so long? What about when you are handed the pink slip at work and you have a pile of doctor bills staring you in the face?
I am facing the loss of what I considered to be my calling. I am still a wife and mother and I still stand that the same kitchen sink, but this time it is quieter. My child that I have taught her her ABC's and 123's, and much more is now in the care of someone else during the day. I don't know what the Lord plans, and I am tired of trying to figure it out. All I know is the anchor has to hold because this is one stormy season that came upon me faster than I wanted it to.
Trusting. Believing. Breathing.
There are several reasons why we chose to, and I really don't want to hash them all out just yet because I am still working through this choice. Our lives have become a clean slate of some sorts. We have decided to let go of a lot of things that have become a normal routine in our family. When I first took her to school, I felt as though someone had died. I felt numb, and sometimes I still do. Of course there are questions like mad running around in my mind like "did I not do enough?" Was I not good enough?", and plenty of other lies that I could tell myself all day long.
One thing is for sure, Satan is alive and ready to take someone out, and especially someone that he knows wants to be sold out for God. Call me a fanatic, freak, or whatever...but I have lived my life in the garbage can long enough and I am tired of it. I am tired of the same old lies, addictions, and rebellious traps that I can put myself in. I don't want pity from anyone nor advice unless it is going to be productive...but how do you preface that to someone who is about to open their mouth? I could go on all day about the "helpful" advice that I have received and it is just plain annoying.
Let me just say that if someone has a loss of some kind: a job, baby, spouse, friend, church, home, etc...the last thing they want to hear is how it was probably for the best. Maybe so...but it won't be recognized until sometime in the future, some may never recognize it. Romans 8:28 says that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God..." Our heads may know this verse and we tell ourselves this out loud to others, but deep down in the corner parts of our hearts and soul do we really believe this? Do we really trust that he will work all things together for good when we have no place to live when the final eviction notice comes, or what about when you stand in the doorway of the baby nursery that you have so longed to put a baby in that crib that has sat empty for so long? What about when you are handed the pink slip at work and you have a pile of doctor bills staring you in the face?
I am facing the loss of what I considered to be my calling. I am still a wife and mother and I still stand that the same kitchen sink, but this time it is quieter. My child that I have taught her her ABC's and 123's, and much more is now in the care of someone else during the day. I don't know what the Lord plans, and I am tired of trying to figure it out. All I know is the anchor has to hold because this is one stormy season that came upon me faster than I wanted it to.
Trusting. Believing. Breathing.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Do-It-Yourself??
As I sit here, my son has a swimmy on his arm that he cannot get off. He keeps trying and trying, but no success. What does he do? Does he quickly come to mommy who knows how to get it off? Or does he do what most others would do...fuss, fight, pull, and tug at the thing trying to take it off of himself? Hmmm...doesn't this sound familiar! I do this way more than I should with the things in my life. When there is something in my life that is not so near and dear to my heart like one of my pet sins, then I am more likely to run to the Father for him to pull it off. When it is that which easily becomes a stronghold for me, I am more reluctant to go to Him "once again" to have him remove it. Why is this? You may think that sounds so ridiculous to wait and try to take off something I know that I cannot do in my own strength and go to the one who can. I will give you my theory as to why I believe I do this:
1) I do this because I don't want to admit that once again I have let that thing overcome me, therefore I am ashamed.
2) I am prideful in thinking I can handle it on my own.
3)Maybe I am trying to nurse an old wound that has revealed itself again and it is what brings me comfort.
4) A crisis has sprung up in my life and it is what brought me comfort in the past and I have become to lazy to run to the truth of what I know, therefore falling back into old patterns.
5) Pure rebelliousness- if you have never had a rebellious heart I would encourage you to STOP know and thank the Lord for that!!! I cannot tell you how difficult it can be to have a rebellious heart!
I realize I as have written this it may be a little too vulnerable and personal to handle, and that is OK with me. I have been told many times how open, honest, and vulnerable I am. I hope I am not doing it out of "dumping" on anyone, although I am sure that I have done that before. I have been wired to purge it all out. I have learned for the most part to do this only to the Lord and not purge on others what does not need to be purged.
My husband is a very private person and finds it amazing that I can be so honest. I am learning to be more like him. I don't need to share every gory detail with everyone....but I will still continue to share it with God.
I may keep my swimmy on and pull, tug, and fuss...but I am learning to run to the Father first and not let so much wasted and frustrating time go by.
Are you still wearing any siwimmies?
1) I do this because I don't want to admit that once again I have let that thing overcome me, therefore I am ashamed.
2) I am prideful in thinking I can handle it on my own.
3)Maybe I am trying to nurse an old wound that has revealed itself again and it is what brings me comfort.
4) A crisis has sprung up in my life and it is what brought me comfort in the past and I have become to lazy to run to the truth of what I know, therefore falling back into old patterns.
5) Pure rebelliousness- if you have never had a rebellious heart I would encourage you to STOP know and thank the Lord for that!!! I cannot tell you how difficult it can be to have a rebellious heart!
I realize I as have written this it may be a little too vulnerable and personal to handle, and that is OK with me. I have been told many times how open, honest, and vulnerable I am. I hope I am not doing it out of "dumping" on anyone, although I am sure that I have done that before. I have been wired to purge it all out. I have learned for the most part to do this only to the Lord and not purge on others what does not need to be purged.
My husband is a very private person and finds it amazing that I can be so honest. I am learning to be more like him. I don't need to share every gory detail with everyone....but I will still continue to share it with God.
I may keep my swimmy on and pull, tug, and fuss...but I am learning to run to the Father first and not let so much wasted and frustrating time go by.
Are you still wearing any siwimmies?
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Lion Tamer
So today has been one of those days where I wonder if I traded in my diplomas for a Ringmaster's costume and am in charge of the lion act at the circus. It all started when I woke earlier than usual to get a jump start on my quiet time (so I didn't eat the lions for breakfast). Well, I got about 15 minutes into it when I heard little voices. How I wish those had been voices in my head, but alas, it was my children. Oh, how I could see it all going down hill in a matter of 2 hours because they got up way to early and they would be fighting like big cats (no pun intended).
I will make this post as painless as possible and not go through my day step by step, but lets just say by 10:00 (AM mind you) I was about to be in tears because I had to send one child to her room ( who will remain anonymous) because she was...well...I won't rehash all of that. I will just keep it to a "she had to do her school work in her room by herself for a certain amount of time because she was exercising freedom of speech a little too freely". She hates to be seperated like that, so it that usually helps remind her not to do it again.
While one lion was in time out for almost eating her sibling, brother lion was not wanting to cooperate with his potty training. On top of all of that, our neighbors detest us because we have a dog that likes to destroy anything that resembles flowers, and well, this is spring and we all know what happens in the spring. We have been trying to use the shock collar thing, but my husband and I are both chickens and don't want to see her be put through such trauma...plus the dog has figured it out and doesn't even want to go outside. She is hyper, needs to run, but can't due to her being a pest to the neighbors so she stays in. By the end of the evening she is dying for some freedom and needing to burn off energy, so she wants to play at all hours of the night!! I am
O-V-E-R it big time!
So by 10:00 (am) I smell like pee pee, my eyebrows are wrinkled and frownie, and am ready to give the dog to the first person that comes to the door. When the dust settles and all is quiet at nap time and all are tucked happily in their beds, I take a deep sigh of relief and say "I would do it all over again."
I think I need a shrink.
I will make this post as painless as possible and not go through my day step by step, but lets just say by 10:00 (AM mind you) I was about to be in tears because I had to send one child to her room ( who will remain anonymous) because she was...well...I won't rehash all of that. I will just keep it to a "she had to do her school work in her room by herself for a certain amount of time because she was exercising freedom of speech a little too freely". She hates to be seperated like that, so it that usually helps remind her not to do it again.
While one lion was in time out for almost eating her sibling, brother lion was not wanting to cooperate with his potty training. On top of all of that, our neighbors detest us because we have a dog that likes to destroy anything that resembles flowers, and well, this is spring and we all know what happens in the spring. We have been trying to use the shock collar thing, but my husband and I are both chickens and don't want to see her be put through such trauma...plus the dog has figured it out and doesn't even want to go outside. She is hyper, needs to run, but can't due to her being a pest to the neighbors so she stays in. By the end of the evening she is dying for some freedom and needing to burn off energy, so she wants to play at all hours of the night!! I am
O-V-E-R it big time!
So by 10:00 (am) I smell like pee pee, my eyebrows are wrinkled and frownie, and am ready to give the dog to the first person that comes to the door. When the dust settles and all is quiet at nap time and all are tucked happily in their beds, I take a deep sigh of relief and say "I would do it all over again."
I think I need a shrink.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Random Thought
I am one of those people that loves to break out into song and dance just about anytime, anywhere. I don't know why, but it just somehow seems like a natural part of me. I am not one of those people who are so talented in their singing that they just can't get enough. No, it's quite the opposite. My family can tolerate me but that is only because they love me. Maybe it comes from listening to Debbie Gibson and watching the fly girls to much as a young girl. Who knows why I do it, but I do...and I enjoy it. The funny part of it all is that my daughter does the same thing and it is so great to hear her becuase she gets the opera tuen going.
Priceless.
Priceless.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
My Patmos
Have you ever thought about where you sit today as being a place of isolation or exile? Maybe you are surrounded by many people, but somehow you still are left to feel alone or misunderstood. Maybe this place of exile is exactly where God has told you to be but the level of frustration and loneliness is enough to make you want to go back to the life you had before where you could count on comfort and consistency.
I am there. I am in a place where God has led me to be but so many days I sit and wonder what on earth am I doing? I shouldn't be so worked up about mounds of laundry, never ending grocery shopping, meals to prepare, noses to wipe, and fights to break up. That's right. I stay at home. But if that weren't enough...I homeschool as well. It doesn't matter what my position on earth is because I believe these issues crop up in every calling that God has set in place.
Just today I was wanting to throw up my hands in the air and say I give up because I am soooooooooo tired of the clutter and toys. My house will never look like a showcase because we have do dads and gadgets that will be found peeking out from behind the couch, under the stove, and sometimes in the refrigerator (yes, that last one has happened). I have been questioned by many as to why I do what I do, do I ever get a break, and "does your husband help?" I know people mean well and just want to help, but sometimes I feel as though they are doing nothing more than to help my faith weaken. Of course I take a break when I need it. Of course my husband helps or else I would have already thrown in the towel. But I can't explain why I do what I do. Maybe like John, I keep weathering the elements of Patmos because of my love. Not only my love for my family, but because of my love for Jesus. Without him there is NO WAY I would do what I am doing. There is no way I could stay with my children day in, day out and school them. There is no way I would still be giving my dog one more day in this household.
I shouldn't say that I wouldn't...I couldn't. I can't tell you how many times the Lord has brought peace in an un peaceful situation. Or how many times he has made our dollars stretch a little further so we could refresh ourselves with an outing to get ice cream. I love when the morning has been rough and he replenishes all of of with a long rest time!
I told a friend one time that through the last couple of years of learning to transition into parenthood with some major baggage in tow, I felt as though I was climbing Mt. Everest in the winter in a bathing suit! Talk about being beaten and weathered against in the elements. Maybe that is how John felt minus the bathing suit. He lasted. He didn't give up. He didn't lay down and die. he worshipped. He loved all alone. No one to watch him. No one to talk to him. Nothing but him and sharp rocks with harsh elements. But on the Lord's day he received the greatest revelation of all.
He lasted becuase of love. I last because of love. It is amazing how much love I have learned to feel and share in my isolation from the world. God is pretty amazing!
I am there. I am in a place where God has led me to be but so many days I sit and wonder what on earth am I doing? I shouldn't be so worked up about mounds of laundry, never ending grocery shopping, meals to prepare, noses to wipe, and fights to break up. That's right. I stay at home. But if that weren't enough...I homeschool as well. It doesn't matter what my position on earth is because I believe these issues crop up in every calling that God has set in place.
Just today I was wanting to throw up my hands in the air and say I give up because I am soooooooooo tired of the clutter and toys. My house will never look like a showcase because we have do dads and gadgets that will be found peeking out from behind the couch, under the stove, and sometimes in the refrigerator (yes, that last one has happened). I have been questioned by many as to why I do what I do, do I ever get a break, and "does your husband help?" I know people mean well and just want to help, but sometimes I feel as though they are doing nothing more than to help my faith weaken. Of course I take a break when I need it. Of course my husband helps or else I would have already thrown in the towel. But I can't explain why I do what I do. Maybe like John, I keep weathering the elements of Patmos because of my love. Not only my love for my family, but because of my love for Jesus. Without him there is NO WAY I would do what I am doing. There is no way I could stay with my children day in, day out and school them. There is no way I would still be giving my dog one more day in this household.
I shouldn't say that I wouldn't...I couldn't. I can't tell you how many times the Lord has brought peace in an un peaceful situation. Or how many times he has made our dollars stretch a little further so we could refresh ourselves with an outing to get ice cream. I love when the morning has been rough and he replenishes all of of with a long rest time!
I told a friend one time that through the last couple of years of learning to transition into parenthood with some major baggage in tow, I felt as though I was climbing Mt. Everest in the winter in a bathing suit! Talk about being beaten and weathered against in the elements. Maybe that is how John felt minus the bathing suit. He lasted. He didn't give up. He didn't lay down and die. he worshipped. He loved all alone. No one to watch him. No one to talk to him. Nothing but him and sharp rocks with harsh elements. But on the Lord's day he received the greatest revelation of all.
He lasted becuase of love. I last because of love. It is amazing how much love I have learned to feel and share in my isolation from the world. God is pretty amazing!
Friday, March 27, 2009
What Satifies?
I have always wondered why it is so hard for Christians to live the life of joy, peace, patience, etc...than those who deny Christ, but yet will put all of their faith and trust in another god or religion, one that is not the truth... but still appear to have a more blissful life.
It is quite amusing to me how so many can be in pursuit of happiness and find it through healthy food, exercise, vacation, their life's work, etc. Hm mm...I spend most of my days face down on the floor crying to the Lord "what do I do next?" "what am I dong wrong?" Lord, when am I going to get it?" I can be surrounded by God's glory and yet see the grayness of what is going on around me. Is that trust? Nope. Do I stick a praise in the beginning of my prayer? Hardly. But David didn't always either, and if he was a man after God's own heart, then I am going to allow a little grace, he he.
Then how on earth do people who believe in karma, zen, wollybooger whatever, seem to "be at one" with who they are? When I have known the truth for a long time, and truthfully see my sin and my scars and wonder "Lord when will it heal? I then remember that this is not the world that I am supposed to settle for.
Galatians 1: 3-5. ( I won't post it all here) Grace and peace only come from him. Whatever it is that others have is complete blindness, and will only work for a while. I have tried addiction after addiction to fill the need for a Savior...and quite frankly, I am tired. I have decided to follow Jesus instead no matter how crazy it may be to others, because those others don't try to help me or save me. They don't provide peace for me...because they are too busy looking for it themselves.
Is it b/c I am trying to hard and missing the heart of worship? Is it because I am living a life of truly denying myself and doing what the Lord has called me to do so it is a daily walk with giving up selfishness of my own will and following the plan he has laid out?
Acts 20:24 says "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus- the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God" (NLT)
My life may not seem as blissfully full as though who don't miss a workout or a trip to the Yucatan in search of meaning of life, but I know that if all is stripped away I can still say that there is Good News to be told. There is a God out there who cares more about the wholeness of my heart than me eating everything organic.
It is quite amusing to me how so many can be in pursuit of happiness and find it through healthy food, exercise, vacation, their life's work, etc. Hm mm...I spend most of my days face down on the floor crying to the Lord "what do I do next?" "what am I dong wrong?" Lord, when am I going to get it?" I can be surrounded by God's glory and yet see the grayness of what is going on around me. Is that trust? Nope. Do I stick a praise in the beginning of my prayer? Hardly. But David didn't always either, and if he was a man after God's own heart, then I am going to allow a little grace, he he.
Then how on earth do people who believe in karma, zen, wollybooger whatever, seem to "be at one" with who they are? When I have known the truth for a long time, and truthfully see my sin and my scars and wonder "Lord when will it heal? I then remember that this is not the world that I am supposed to settle for.
Galatians 1: 3-5. ( I won't post it all here) Grace and peace only come from him. Whatever it is that others have is complete blindness, and will only work for a while. I have tried addiction after addiction to fill the need for a Savior...and quite frankly, I am tired. I have decided to follow Jesus instead no matter how crazy it may be to others, because those others don't try to help me or save me. They don't provide peace for me...because they are too busy looking for it themselves.
Is it b/c I am trying to hard and missing the heart of worship? Is it because I am living a life of truly denying myself and doing what the Lord has called me to do so it is a daily walk with giving up selfishness of my own will and following the plan he has laid out?
Acts 20:24 says "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus- the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God" (NLT)
My life may not seem as blissfully full as though who don't miss a workout or a trip to the Yucatan in search of meaning of life, but I know that if all is stripped away I can still say that there is Good News to be told. There is a God out there who cares more about the wholeness of my heart than me eating everything organic.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A Glorious Day
Today was the day of my first born's baptism. I can't narrow down the feelings that I have about this day. Parts of me never thought I would never experience such a day, and the other parts were counting down the days from the time I learned I was pregnant with her.
I am not only relieved that my child with be with me for all eternity, but also to experience the faithfulness of God and the grace that he extends.
As I watched my baby girl step down into that water and watch the paradox of the old life and new life be buried and raised, I couldn't help but to reflect on my life and the life of my family members that have lived before me. There have been very few believers in my family tree. Our tree has been one in which many limbs were bruised and broken through the roots of bitterness and pride, abuse and alcohol.
I am not the only one, but today I saw the thread of God's grace, but I witnessed a new thread being started. I hate the idea of not having a family full of believers because sometimes it is really difficult to figure out which path to go or how to be full of faith when there seems to be nothing to hope for. I think of all the times that I didn't know whether or not she and I were going to make it together under the same roof.
Some may have looked at her and thought she looked to young, but I know my girl and I know she was ready. I have been in the trenches with this child day in and day out, I know what she is capable of and what she isn't. I was with her when she first asked me about becoming a christian and I was skeptical at first, but then it became very clear that the Lord had spoken to her heart.
I had to make a decision this morning as she was going under that water. I had to realize that she is not mine to control and that God has a specific plan for her life. She is not to be molded into what I want her to be, but what the Lord wants. OUCH! I have to prepare her for the greatness of God...not to just be great. OK, take that one in! I have to let go of what "my" dreams are for her and pray for her to follow in the paths of righteousness not the paths of mommy.
Can I allow my daughter to be great even in the ordinary of life? Don't all moms hope for the best and brightest for their children...so what if mine doesn't achieve greatness that this world says is great. What if she turns out to be a homeschooling mom just like me? Am I OK with that?? am I OK with her giving up her dreams of being something great? My answer is:
100 times yes because if it is what God has planned for her life, then it is great. I didn't give up anything but what wasn't mine to fulfill. I had many dreams as a child, but they clearly wouldn't have fit with having a family. I have given up my life for someone else and it feels just like a tennis ball hitting the center of a raquet perfectly...as Max Lucado coined it "the sweet spot."
Today was hitting the sweet spot for me. It was seeing a small harvest to many prayers offered from the time of conception.
I haven't even begun to wear down the material on the knees of my sweats in praying for my children, and I am so thankful I don't have to plan it all out for them I have the privilege to show them to the ONE who does!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Bunny Slippers or Prada?
Reality has set in for me in that what I am doing in my home is my calling. I have been battling for a while what my purpose is, what is next, and so forth. I have become frustrated because I have tried to manufacture other ideas of what I could do with my life and my purpose. I realized while I was talking with my husband about some questioning I recieved about my homeschooling that some other thoughts surfaced. Some of the questions were how long I will continue to do it, socialization, and are you going to do this with your son as well and others that I am not quite immune to yet, therefore I was making my case for my reasons to my husband. In the course of our conversation we talked about the extra money that could be earned, more time for me by myself, and maybe, just maybe we could have a boat. Now there is priority!
It hit me like a ton of bricks when I said the words I have given up my life. Huh. I have never thought about what I do as just that. I hope I am not making it sound so sad and lonely because it is more than that. Sometimes it is lonely. Many times it is frustrating and hard. But as my materialistic mind started to churn and I begin to type out my resume in my mind, my bunny slippers were stopped in their tracks. All is took was a few words from my husband to make me wad up that resume, and put down the nine west shoe catalog...
"Your not quitting. Your not giving up. I like you being home. I like coming home for lunch and you being here. I like you teaching the kids. Your the best." Does that just say "I'm in" or what! Sure the extra money would be nice, but then I wouldn't be there when my daughter reads her first sentence by herself. I could trade in my lunch special of PB&J with a fruit, chips and drink all while watching Tom and Jerry for a lunch with stimulating conversation with girlfriends. Or I could enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee all to myself rather than having to drink my morning cup so fast like it is water in order to keep from my son trying to sneak it away.
I know the temptation will come again to try to woo me away from where I am, but it is my adventure that I am not ready to give up. It may make zero sense to others who don't understand, but I have to remember God didn't ask them to understand he asked me to follow through. I don't want to miss one second of the life he has planned for me, and if I listen to the nay sayers I will. I don't understand all that He has up his sleeves...but neither did the disciples!
So I say you wear the shoes that God has so perfectly designed just for you! I may someday wear Prada shoes, but for now I'll take my bunny slippers :)
It hit me like a ton of bricks when I said the words I have given up my life. Huh. I have never thought about what I do as just that. I hope I am not making it sound so sad and lonely because it is more than that. Sometimes it is lonely. Many times it is frustrating and hard. But as my materialistic mind started to churn and I begin to type out my resume in my mind, my bunny slippers were stopped in their tracks. All is took was a few words from my husband to make me wad up that resume, and put down the nine west shoe catalog...
"Your not quitting. Your not giving up. I like you being home. I like coming home for lunch and you being here. I like you teaching the kids. Your the best." Does that just say "I'm in" or what! Sure the extra money would be nice, but then I wouldn't be there when my daughter reads her first sentence by herself. I could trade in my lunch special of PB&J with a fruit, chips and drink all while watching Tom and Jerry for a lunch with stimulating conversation with girlfriends. Or I could enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee all to myself rather than having to drink my morning cup so fast like it is water in order to keep from my son trying to sneak it away.
I know the temptation will come again to try to woo me away from where I am, but it is my adventure that I am not ready to give up. It may make zero sense to others who don't understand, but I have to remember God didn't ask them to understand he asked me to follow through. I don't want to miss one second of the life he has planned for me, and if I listen to the nay sayers I will. I don't understand all that He has up his sleeves...but neither did the disciples!
So I say you wear the shoes that God has so perfectly designed just for you! I may someday wear Prada shoes, but for now I'll take my bunny slippers :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
Great Gumballs!
I am so amazed by how much I can get done around my house when I mention the word gum. I think I could get the kids to re-paint the walls all for a measly turn on the gumball machine. During Christmas, I was at a toy store getting the kids their Christmas gifts. When I turned the corner of one of the aisles, there positioned directly in front of me with an almost heavenly light shining down on it, was a red gumball machine! Well, my mommy/teacher brain went into overdrive! I thought what a perfect way to help get the kids motivated for doing extra help around the house. Yes, it is a reward system, not bribery. No, I don't always let them have gum even when they do the every day tasks such as making beds, flushing toilets, and brushing teeth...those are things that are a must!
I reward with gum when they do a random act of kindness, solve a problem without shattering the glass with screams, and my favorite doing something without complaining and sighing! The red machine has become a household favorite. I don't know what it is about a colorful little ball full of 20 second sugar blast that makes washing baseboards worth it.
It is not the gum that leads me off of a bridge, but a donut just might get me to repave the driveway :)
I reward with gum when they do a random act of kindness, solve a problem without shattering the glass with screams, and my favorite doing something without complaining and sighing! The red machine has become a household favorite. I don't know what it is about a colorful little ball full of 20 second sugar blast that makes washing baseboards worth it.
It is not the gum that leads me off of a bridge, but a donut just might get me to repave the driveway :)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
My Valentine
It is the little things that makes my heart know that the Lord has given me a Valentine for everyday of the year! Enjoy...
Our love story began when I was a little girl playing in my front yard. I looked up to the sky and began to ask God who I was going to marry. I couldn't stand not knowing, but a few years later I met the man who would become my husband. I was in the fourth grade and he was in the eighth. Of course he did not return the same crush at the time, it wasn't until I was seventeen that he finally took notice. Here we are almost 12 years later and I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect match. I truly believe that God is the one who brought us together because he completes me in all the areas that I lack in. I believe that our love story is unique because if doesn't consist of romantic dinners, exotic vacations, or beautiful jewelry. What makes him so beautiful to me is his commitment to our two children and me. He has stuck beside me through ALL of my ups and downs, supported me in my decision to continue my education and then to set it aside to be at home with our children.
The small details like painting my toenails or shaving my legs when I was too pregnant to bend over is what he is about. I have come home many times from doctor’s visits and he has already begun supper, or going to the grocery store when the kids were sick and I couldn't leave them. Instead of buying me a card at a holiday, he draws me a picture card, which consists of our home, kids, cat, dog, and fish (he even puts RIP beside one of the animals that is no longer with us). In anything that he does he puts our family first. He would climb the tallest mountain if he knew it was something I wanted to do. He never lets on that I am driving him crazy although I know I have to be. He remembers what I was wearing on our first date, as well as places that we went to on a lazy day that I can't recall at all. He knows me better than I know myself. When I have been at home for many days and he can tell that it is wearing on me, he will say, "why don't you go somewhere by yourself and I will put the kids to bed".
My husband is what I have dreamed of my whole life. I pictured my wedding day as being the most special day of my life, and he even allowed us to be married right in the middle of hunting season and on the same day as the TN/Georgia game! It poured down rain on our wedding day, but we didn't care. All I remember is walking down the isle and seeing how scared the poor fella looked. He has never left my side, nor do I think he will. Our story may not be much to others, but to me it is the world. His commitment to our marriage and family is more romantic than any vacation or jewelry store could offer.
God knew exactly what I needed to help me be whole again.
Our love story began when I was a little girl playing in my front yard. I looked up to the sky and began to ask God who I was going to marry. I couldn't stand not knowing, but a few years later I met the man who would become my husband. I was in the fourth grade and he was in the eighth. Of course he did not return the same crush at the time, it wasn't until I was seventeen that he finally took notice. Here we are almost 12 years later and I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect match. I truly believe that God is the one who brought us together because he completes me in all the areas that I lack in. I believe that our love story is unique because if doesn't consist of romantic dinners, exotic vacations, or beautiful jewelry. What makes him so beautiful to me is his commitment to our two children and me. He has stuck beside me through ALL of my ups and downs, supported me in my decision to continue my education and then to set it aside to be at home with our children.
The small details like painting my toenails or shaving my legs when I was too pregnant to bend over is what he is about. I have come home many times from doctor’s visits and he has already begun supper, or going to the grocery store when the kids were sick and I couldn't leave them. Instead of buying me a card at a holiday, he draws me a picture card, which consists of our home, kids, cat, dog, and fish (he even puts RIP beside one of the animals that is no longer with us). In anything that he does he puts our family first. He would climb the tallest mountain if he knew it was something I wanted to do. He never lets on that I am driving him crazy although I know I have to be. He remembers what I was wearing on our first date, as well as places that we went to on a lazy day that I can't recall at all. He knows me better than I know myself. When I have been at home for many days and he can tell that it is wearing on me, he will say, "why don't you go somewhere by yourself and I will put the kids to bed".
My husband is what I have dreamed of my whole life. I pictured my wedding day as being the most special day of my life, and he even allowed us to be married right in the middle of hunting season and on the same day as the TN/Georgia game! It poured down rain on our wedding day, but we didn't care. All I remember is walking down the isle and seeing how scared the poor fella looked. He has never left my side, nor do I think he will. Our story may not be much to others, but to me it is the world. His commitment to our marriage and family is more romantic than any vacation or jewelry store could offer.
God knew exactly what I needed to help me be whole again.
Monday, February 9, 2009
My Superpower
Well, once again the stomach bug has arrived at my home. No, it can't stay away it any longer than 2-3 weeks...just enough time for us to be out and about and feeling free again, until...boom! There he is again. Sigh. Well, I am thankful for medicine, and insurance, and nurses on call, and Popsicles, a washer, dryer, dishwasher, and most of all a helping husband! I would totally drown in the stuff that is coming out both ends if it weren't for him. He totally gets me. He totally gets that I need help. Sigh. Thank you Lord.
Tonite in the midst of a crying baby with a high fever, a antsy sibling who thinks her sick brother is getting more love b/c of the gazillion Popsicles, and waiting anxiously for the nurse to call back; I told my husband "you know if I could have a superpower it would be to have an "x-ray germ detector!" That's right, I would spot out the people who are so "kind"(loose translation) to carry their sickness to places that they are only going to be for an hour or so.
Let me break down the logic they may be thinking, ahem:
The grocery store: I'll just be 5 minutes, I only need bread and milk
(My x-ray vision says...you drag that junk in with you just by breathing out your nose, mouth, and hands...)
Gymnastics: The class is only an hour or so, little Sally seemed fine this morning, and didn't have to leave school early, so she is not sick...only to throw up all night long and contract pink eye.
(My x-ray translation says...if they look like they are going to fall out any minute and don't want to participate, chances are, they are sick!)
Church: We will only be there for 2 hours, what can it hurt?
(my translation...STAY HOME! If little Jr. has a lime green runny nose, and cough...chances are, he has something)
Excuse my cynicism, I am just tired of spending what we are working so hard to save on medicine and doctor visits all because someone doesn't want to take time out of their lives to stay home with their sick child. I understand that alot of people have to work, but the day cares and schools don't need to have an outbreak, so use that vacation time or sick leave. Please I am begging you (well, really I am the only one who reads this, so I guess I am speaking to the choir on this) stay home and nurture those sick little ducklings that have been entrusted to you (us?).
There is plenty of time to make those trips to Wal-mart and the bible study. God understands this season of life. He totally gets it and will make a way for that lost paycheck to be made up. So, stay home and catch up on some rest and nurture everyone back to health...the world will still be rotating on its axis...it won't slip.
Tonite in the midst of a crying baby with a high fever, a antsy sibling who thinks her sick brother is getting more love b/c of the gazillion Popsicles, and waiting anxiously for the nurse to call back; I told my husband "you know if I could have a superpower it would be to have an "x-ray germ detector!" That's right, I would spot out the people who are so "kind"(loose translation) to carry their sickness to places that they are only going to be for an hour or so.
Let me break down the logic they may be thinking, ahem:
The grocery store: I'll just be 5 minutes, I only need bread and milk
(My x-ray vision says...you drag that junk in with you just by breathing out your nose, mouth, and hands...)
Gymnastics: The class is only an hour or so, little Sally seemed fine this morning, and didn't have to leave school early, so she is not sick...only to throw up all night long and contract pink eye.
(My x-ray translation says...if they look like they are going to fall out any minute and don't want to participate, chances are, they are sick!)
Church: We will only be there for 2 hours, what can it hurt?
(my translation...STAY HOME! If little Jr. has a lime green runny nose, and cough...chances are, he has something)
Excuse my cynicism, I am just tired of spending what we are working so hard to save on medicine and doctor visits all because someone doesn't want to take time out of their lives to stay home with their sick child. I understand that alot of people have to work, but the day cares and schools don't need to have an outbreak, so use that vacation time or sick leave. Please I am begging you (well, really I am the only one who reads this, so I guess I am speaking to the choir on this) stay home and nurture those sick little ducklings that have been entrusted to you (us?).
There is plenty of time to make those trips to Wal-mart and the bible study. God understands this season of life. He totally gets it and will make a way for that lost paycheck to be made up. So, stay home and catch up on some rest and nurture everyone back to health...the world will still be rotating on its axis...it won't slip.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Where Does My Help Come From..
Today is one of those days where I am trying to find a little bit of quiet time for myself, but one of the children doesn't want it to be that way. This is the time that I need to study for a SS lesson, read, or just get caught up on laundry and a shower, but sometimes one of my little ones wants to keep being with "mommy." I have forgotten about the many days not to long ago when I would pray "Lord, you know this paper is due in a few days and I need to get it done, will you please send an angel to sing over Emily, so I can study?" It would always amaze me time and time again how I would lay her down, and she would sleep the length of time that I needed to work! I had many people who did not feel that my going to school was something I should be doing with a baby at home.
I will agree that going to Graduate school full time, as well as a full time mom, wife, grocery shopper, house keeper, etc is not the most recommended choice for a person to manage; but I had different instructions than most people. I didn't know why I was doing all of that at that time, but the Lord did. I was an absolute wreck on the inside. I was a ticking time bomb that was about to expire. I had no clue what was really going on with me...until I was put in the pressure cooker and wine press. I felt as though everything I had ever felt or experienced growing up had been slowly cooking me on the inside. I appeared to have it all together and know everything, but on the inside the juices that were simmering were anger, rejection, frustration, pride, jealousy, resentment, anxiety...must I continue??
To give a little back story to all of this, I graduated from high school tired of the drama, lies, insecurity, and hopelessness that I allowed to pour into myself. I had many family issues which in turned grew into acting out in many ways that I am ashamed. I have been forgiven of it all, but it is still hurtful at times to know how much time has been thrown away on foolishness. I married Donnie a year into college when I was barley 20. Most all of my friends were enjoying the life of freedom and college dorms while I was trying to figure out what kind of wallpaper to put up in my kitchen. I had a very successful career in college because I discovered for the first time that I could read, write, and spell! I wasn't an idiot after all who would do little with my life. I was so proud that I had finally made it to something successful in the eyes of my family. We scraped every semester to pay for my school and I am so proud of my diligent husband b/c I was able to walk away debt free! I didn't have a brand new home to show off to my friends, but I also don't have that monkey on my back today either! My college years were wonderful because they were a time when I discovered that I could be something, and have a purpose. I didn't have to always be fighting with someone, or looking for a boyfriend. I had left it all behind even my family in search for a higher life for myself. I was very proud of my accomplishments. I had begun to discover that I could actually live a joyful life inspite of my circumstances.
When I entered into Graduate school I knew that it was major divine intervention. There was no way no how that I was going to be able to finish one semester let alone a whole degree with a new child. Now, I mentioned before that all those lovely juices had been simmering in the pressure cooker for a long, long time...well here comes the wine press. The Lord saw it high time to squeeze all of that junk out of me, and it was NOT pretty! I won't go into all of the details, but I will say that it started with the birth of my daughter and the death of my father-in-law within 11 days of each other. We had 3 weeks to prepare for his upcoming death, and 3 weeks for my upcoming delivery. Now keep in mind that my husband is the only child, and a son at that. He is the spitting image of his father in looks and actions...and here comes the first grandchild. Oh, I cannot tell you how much stress there was in our home. I didn't know whether to be excited or devastated. The day we left the hospital with Emily we went straight to the hospital to see his father. At this point his father could hardly speak, and was too weak to get out of the bed. He saw Emily and held her for the first time. He knew who he was looking at. He knew that this was his "Ms. Emily" as he called her. He would see her one last time before he passed, but he would not recognize her or Donnie, or even Donnie's mother. 2 weeks after my first Born's birth we were burying my husband's hero.
That was only the beginning of my journey through the wine press...sometimes the pain hurt so bad I wanted to numb it with much wine! I never did, b/c thankfully I knew that somewhere deep down the Lord was going to pull me through it. He has and I am eternally grateful. I have been through what feels like hell and back for me personally, but I am so thankful that I didn't stop. I believe that just like the man who discovered the river in the Grand Canyon, he had to go through many rough waters in order to come to the end and find the still waters. This is where I am today. I am in the still waters. Not that the rough ones may come again, and they will...I am just glad that I don't have to paddle with my arms by myself.
I will agree that going to Graduate school full time, as well as a full time mom, wife, grocery shopper, house keeper, etc is not the most recommended choice for a person to manage; but I had different instructions than most people. I didn't know why I was doing all of that at that time, but the Lord did. I was an absolute wreck on the inside. I was a ticking time bomb that was about to expire. I had no clue what was really going on with me...until I was put in the pressure cooker and wine press. I felt as though everything I had ever felt or experienced growing up had been slowly cooking me on the inside. I appeared to have it all together and know everything, but on the inside the juices that were simmering were anger, rejection, frustration, pride, jealousy, resentment, anxiety...must I continue??
To give a little back story to all of this, I graduated from high school tired of the drama, lies, insecurity, and hopelessness that I allowed to pour into myself. I had many family issues which in turned grew into acting out in many ways that I am ashamed. I have been forgiven of it all, but it is still hurtful at times to know how much time has been thrown away on foolishness. I married Donnie a year into college when I was barley 20. Most all of my friends were enjoying the life of freedom and college dorms while I was trying to figure out what kind of wallpaper to put up in my kitchen. I had a very successful career in college because I discovered for the first time that I could read, write, and spell! I wasn't an idiot after all who would do little with my life. I was so proud that I had finally made it to something successful in the eyes of my family. We scraped every semester to pay for my school and I am so proud of my diligent husband b/c I was able to walk away debt free! I didn't have a brand new home to show off to my friends, but I also don't have that monkey on my back today either! My college years were wonderful because they were a time when I discovered that I could be something, and have a purpose. I didn't have to always be fighting with someone, or looking for a boyfriend. I had left it all behind even my family in search for a higher life for myself. I was very proud of my accomplishments. I had begun to discover that I could actually live a joyful life inspite of my circumstances.
When I entered into Graduate school I knew that it was major divine intervention. There was no way no how that I was going to be able to finish one semester let alone a whole degree with a new child. Now, I mentioned before that all those lovely juices had been simmering in the pressure cooker for a long, long time...well here comes the wine press. The Lord saw it high time to squeeze all of that junk out of me, and it was NOT pretty! I won't go into all of the details, but I will say that it started with the birth of my daughter and the death of my father-in-law within 11 days of each other. We had 3 weeks to prepare for his upcoming death, and 3 weeks for my upcoming delivery. Now keep in mind that my husband is the only child, and a son at that. He is the spitting image of his father in looks and actions...and here comes the first grandchild. Oh, I cannot tell you how much stress there was in our home. I didn't know whether to be excited or devastated. The day we left the hospital with Emily we went straight to the hospital to see his father. At this point his father could hardly speak, and was too weak to get out of the bed. He saw Emily and held her for the first time. He knew who he was looking at. He knew that this was his "Ms. Emily" as he called her. He would see her one last time before he passed, but he would not recognize her or Donnie, or even Donnie's mother. 2 weeks after my first Born's birth we were burying my husband's hero.
That was only the beginning of my journey through the wine press...sometimes the pain hurt so bad I wanted to numb it with much wine! I never did, b/c thankfully I knew that somewhere deep down the Lord was going to pull me through it. He has and I am eternally grateful. I have been through what feels like hell and back for me personally, but I am so thankful that I didn't stop. I believe that just like the man who discovered the river in the Grand Canyon, he had to go through many rough waters in order to come to the end and find the still waters. This is where I am today. I am in the still waters. Not that the rough ones may come again, and they will...I am just glad that I don't have to paddle with my arms by myself.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Swimming in Both Ends
My family and I love, love , love to swim. When the weather gives just a hint of warm sunshine...we are digging out our bathing suits. When we swim, we don't just float around in the shallow. We go for the deep end! That is where you can really dive to the bottom, see who can get there and back the fastest, dive in, flip in, slide in...well, you get the picture. Staying in the shallow end serves a purpose too. It is where we can ease ourselves in when it is just a little chilly to "get used" it. We can play games such as "categories" and have extra speed to get across to the other side. One of my favorites was to do handstands! It is also in the shallow in that we can talk to one another and enjoy the leisure of a relaxing swim. There is something about swimming that is so repairative after a long day.
The shallow end is fun, but so is the deep end. The thing about both ends is that if you are there to long, you can either become bored with the sameness of not going deeper and having more options to explore, and going deeper requires a lot of hard work. After treading for a long time, our legs become very tired, and begin to pull us down or cramp, which is no fun either.
I have found that my spiritual life can be like swimming. Sometimes I have had to ease in to the word and "get used" to the temperature that was being spoken to me, and other times I have jumped right in to the refreshment of the fun and adventure. I find that when I stay in the shallow end with my relationships with other people it can become boring and stale. I am one that likes to go deeper, but sometimes there are people who prefer to just bounce the volleyball in the shallow end. Maybe they don't want to explore anything more than swap recipes, exercise tips, what school activities that worked the best for them, or where they shop for their kids clothing.
On the other hand, if I have a friend who only wants to go to the deep end, then we miss the fun in what our favorite recipes are, our favorite movies or restaurants. I was wired to think analytically, but sometimes being in the deep end for too long can wear me out. My brain feels like it is always on overdrive, and I forget that it is a good thing to hang out in the shallow end too. I love good music that we can dance to. I love lazy strolls through the park or downtown. I love good desserts and an occasional break to the movies.
Being in the deep end is such hard work, but it is where I have grown the most. I have cried the most and ached the most in the deep end...but it is where I have found the most treasure. A treasure chest always lies at the bottom of the ocean, not on the surface. You have to swim deep to find what you are looking for, but once the cramping sets in you have to decide whether or not you are going to run back to the shallow end or go to the side and take a breather.
Jesus didn't ask the disciples to cast their nets out into the shallow end. He said to go out into the DEEP and let down their nets. It is where the fish where at. The fish that were in the shallow end would have been the minnows and tadpoles, not the good stuff. If we are willing to go into the deep, we have to be prepared to know how to swim (have a relationship with Christ), and know how to keep treading (through faith and the word) and when to take a rest ("Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest" Mark 6:30)
Are you shortchanging yourself by only swimming in the shallow end with your relationship with Christ and/or others? Or are you diving into the deep with them?
Are you only swimming in the deep and forgetting to take a rest and enjoy the shallow waters for a while?
What do you need to do to swim to the other end?
Lord, I ask that you help me to know when it is time to switch ends and not get caught up in the shallowness of life and when it is time to plunge in the deep. Help me to not judge those who may not be in the same end as me, but to respect their journey and where you have them.
The shallow end is fun, but so is the deep end. The thing about both ends is that if you are there to long, you can either become bored with the sameness of not going deeper and having more options to explore, and going deeper requires a lot of hard work. After treading for a long time, our legs become very tired, and begin to pull us down or cramp, which is no fun either.
I have found that my spiritual life can be like swimming. Sometimes I have had to ease in to the word and "get used" to the temperature that was being spoken to me, and other times I have jumped right in to the refreshment of the fun and adventure. I find that when I stay in the shallow end with my relationships with other people it can become boring and stale. I am one that likes to go deeper, but sometimes there are people who prefer to just bounce the volleyball in the shallow end. Maybe they don't want to explore anything more than swap recipes, exercise tips, what school activities that worked the best for them, or where they shop for their kids clothing.
On the other hand, if I have a friend who only wants to go to the deep end, then we miss the fun in what our favorite recipes are, our favorite movies or restaurants. I was wired to think analytically, but sometimes being in the deep end for too long can wear me out. My brain feels like it is always on overdrive, and I forget that it is a good thing to hang out in the shallow end too. I love good music that we can dance to. I love lazy strolls through the park or downtown. I love good desserts and an occasional break to the movies.
Being in the deep end is such hard work, but it is where I have grown the most. I have cried the most and ached the most in the deep end...but it is where I have found the most treasure. A treasure chest always lies at the bottom of the ocean, not on the surface. You have to swim deep to find what you are looking for, but once the cramping sets in you have to decide whether or not you are going to run back to the shallow end or go to the side and take a breather.
Jesus didn't ask the disciples to cast their nets out into the shallow end. He said to go out into the DEEP and let down their nets. It is where the fish where at. The fish that were in the shallow end would have been the minnows and tadpoles, not the good stuff. If we are willing to go into the deep, we have to be prepared to know how to swim (have a relationship with Christ), and know how to keep treading (through faith and the word) and when to take a rest ("Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest" Mark 6:30)
Are you shortchanging yourself by only swimming in the shallow end with your relationship with Christ and/or others? Or are you diving into the deep with them?
Are you only swimming in the deep and forgetting to take a rest and enjoy the shallow waters for a while?
What do you need to do to swim to the other end?
Lord, I ask that you help me to know when it is time to switch ends and not get caught up in the shallowness of life and when it is time to plunge in the deep. Help me to not judge those who may not be in the same end as me, but to respect their journey and where you have them.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Today is one of those days where I now know why I was gently awakened way more early than I am used to, to have some quiet time. I knew it was coming. It is almost like I can feel a storm brewing. You know how some older people know when it is going to rain because they start to feel the pain in their joints...well, that was me this morning. I wasn't feeling my usually "I can make it today" kind of feelings. It was Lord, I really don't want to face anything, decide anything, or put up with anything kind of day. Well, it is inevitable to not dodge people or things that will let us down, children that will whine and complain, and fight, and a dog that chews on anything she gets her paws on! Today is not a mechanically smooth day...which I can deal with...it is just so hard to. It is so hard in the midst of all of the things that I am trying to get my kids to understand and stop doing that I have realized my own need for a change of heart. Just because someone lets me down today, doesn't mean I write them off because chances are, I am going to be let down again and again and again.
I am really weary of dealing with the constant complaining and whining. I just got finished for the 101st time saying "Emily, I have not heard anything come out of your mouth today but griping and complaining. You have not said thank you mom one time today for anything I have done, you have argued with your brother to no end, and you have been ungrateful for anything you have laid your eyes this morning. Please tell me what the Bible says about griping and complaining?" By this time I am starting to feel my own convictions about how I have let me self feel.
I am disheartened by this little discovery, so Iset up a missions video about other people without the same privileges. This is not a guilt trip...you don't know my kids...Strong willed children think the world revolves around them, so I am trying desperately to connect them to the world instead!
As I was speaking, I said a few things that I had to stop and tell her that I was doing the same things too. I had not told God how thankful I was to be at home today teaching my children His word and truth. I have not been grateful to be in a warm home and have money to put food on the table and more shoes for my children than we can count because the dog keeps finding them. I have been selfish, ungrateful, and quite honestly...miserable. I have thrown the best pity parties for myself, but the sad part is is that no one shows up but me.
I am tired of partying this way...it is really quite a bummer to be the only one there. Lord, forgive me for being so unaware of your goodness and mercy because I have allowed the cloud of ungratefulness to cloud my mind. I ask that you help me to turn my frustrations into peace and joy. I am allowing my self to live without peace because I am letting the frustrations of small children get the best of me.
Galatians 6:9 " For let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart"
I am really weary of dealing with the constant complaining and whining. I just got finished for the 101st time saying "Emily, I have not heard anything come out of your mouth today but griping and complaining. You have not said thank you mom one time today for anything I have done, you have argued with your brother to no end, and you have been ungrateful for anything you have laid your eyes this morning. Please tell me what the Bible says about griping and complaining?" By this time I am starting to feel my own convictions about how I have let me self feel.
I am disheartened by this little discovery, so Iset up a missions video about other people without the same privileges. This is not a guilt trip...you don't know my kids...Strong willed children think the world revolves around them, so I am trying desperately to connect them to the world instead!
As I was speaking, I said a few things that I had to stop and tell her that I was doing the same things too. I had not told God how thankful I was to be at home today teaching my children His word and truth. I have not been grateful to be in a warm home and have money to put food on the table and more shoes for my children than we can count because the dog keeps finding them. I have been selfish, ungrateful, and quite honestly...miserable. I have thrown the best pity parties for myself, but the sad part is is that no one shows up but me.
I am tired of partying this way...it is really quite a bummer to be the only one there. Lord, forgive me for being so unaware of your goodness and mercy because I have allowed the cloud of ungratefulness to cloud my mind. I ask that you help me to turn my frustrations into peace and joy. I am allowing my self to live without peace because I am letting the frustrations of small children get the best of me.
Galatians 6:9 " For let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart"
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Snow Bird Report
The weather around here has been really, really cold. The kind of cold that bites and won't quit. The kind of cold that limits my wardrobe to either my pj's with several socks, or sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Lucky for you you don't have to see me in such a fright! Well, I'll admit, I have become pretty lax in dressing up for school. We all have actually. Emily's idea for getting dressed for school is changing pajamas. And Jacob...well, he would be happy in nothing more than a diaper on most days...but again, it is way to cold.
The area schools around here have been fortunate to get out of school due to the weather, but not Harbor House...nope...I am cruel and won't declare a "no school" day. Emily thinks it is totally unfair, and Jacob...well, he could care less. I on the other hand am thinking this one through. If I called school off and there was no snow on the ground, what would the kids want to do with their free time? Watch television. Uggghhh! Nothing drives me more crazy than too much TV! I know my kids and I know what their little "atomic bomb building" brains are thinking, therefore I know it will only lead to boredom. And boredom + 1 kindergartner + 1 toddler = ALOT of fighting and destruction. So, I choose to keep them occupied and busy with things that can be monitored and not turn their brains into complete mush.
Don't get me wrong, I get excited when I hear that schools are closed and then remember that I am not apart of that circle. I look forward to days that we aren't going to be working, or when a field trip is coming up. I find it quite humorous when people think that I must LOVE being with my kids all day long, grind my own wheat, and read them bible stories by a campfire (OK, well that last one I have done). I do enjoy being with my kids...but lets get real, not all the time. I do wonder about the missed opportunities of getting to dress up and go into the real world and talk with others who don't end their sentence with "whatever." I would think it would be nice to help those who appreciate what I am doing for them, rather loosing what I just searched 30 minutes for.
My kids grate my nerves and drive me crazy just like anybody elses. I am no supermom or saint. Quite honestly, I find myself to be rather peculiar. But I like peculiar. I like doing what I am doing. It fits me. I never thought that doing what I am doing would be fitting, but I am totally at peace with this, even when I am breaking up a fight, cleaning up spilled milk, and shooing the puppy from the trash all at the same time.
I do what I do because this is what God has called me to. Maybe not everyone believes that God exists or even would find this task so successful. I have had enough people question why I wasted all that money on a degree just to stay home. I didn't waste a dime. I like to think of it as very expensive counseling for myself. God knew what I needed and when. He knew that I needed a break. He knew that I need a place of healing and rest. He planted me by streams of water, with 3 other lives in order for us to grow and flourish as a family. There is no way that would have happened in any other set up.
So while I still look for "school closings" due to weather, I hang onto those days when I know that this school needs a break. Maybe it is too pretty to be indoors and we trade in the books for our bathing suits and head for the river. Whatever the weather...our school calls the shots.
The area schools around here have been fortunate to get out of school due to the weather, but not Harbor House...nope...I am cruel and won't declare a "no school" day. Emily thinks it is totally unfair, and Jacob...well, he could care less. I on the other hand am thinking this one through. If I called school off and there was no snow on the ground, what would the kids want to do with their free time? Watch television. Uggghhh! Nothing drives me more crazy than too much TV! I know my kids and I know what their little "atomic bomb building" brains are thinking, therefore I know it will only lead to boredom. And boredom + 1 kindergartner + 1 toddler = ALOT of fighting and destruction. So, I choose to keep them occupied and busy with things that can be monitored and not turn their brains into complete mush.
Don't get me wrong, I get excited when I hear that schools are closed and then remember that I am not apart of that circle. I look forward to days that we aren't going to be working, or when a field trip is coming up. I find it quite humorous when people think that I must LOVE being with my kids all day long, grind my own wheat, and read them bible stories by a campfire (OK, well that last one I have done). I do enjoy being with my kids...but lets get real, not all the time. I do wonder about the missed opportunities of getting to dress up and go into the real world and talk with others who don't end their sentence with "whatever." I would think it would be nice to help those who appreciate what I am doing for them, rather loosing what I just searched 30 minutes for.
My kids grate my nerves and drive me crazy just like anybody elses. I am no supermom or saint. Quite honestly, I find myself to be rather peculiar. But I like peculiar. I like doing what I am doing. It fits me. I never thought that doing what I am doing would be fitting, but I am totally at peace with this, even when I am breaking up a fight, cleaning up spilled milk, and shooing the puppy from the trash all at the same time.
I do what I do because this is what God has called me to. Maybe not everyone believes that God exists or even would find this task so successful. I have had enough people question why I wasted all that money on a degree just to stay home. I didn't waste a dime. I like to think of it as very expensive counseling for myself. God knew what I needed and when. He knew that I needed a break. He knew that I need a place of healing and rest. He planted me by streams of water, with 3 other lives in order for us to grow and flourish as a family. There is no way that would have happened in any other set up.
So while I still look for "school closings" due to weather, I hang onto those days when I know that this school needs a break. Maybe it is too pretty to be indoors and we trade in the books for our bathing suits and head for the river. Whatever the weather...our school calls the shots.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Not Everybody Will Listen
When Donnie and I first met I was not going to church. I had a church upbringing but not with my own family. I went with my next door neighbors. My parents started my brothers and I out in church, but it only lasted until the 2nd grade then we stopped going. It is a long story and we all have one, so simply stated I was not going to church. I was 17, but desperate for anything to "fix" my brokenness. So, when I met Donnie I was really tired from all that I had put myself through and was so thankful to have found a stable person to help guide me away from all that I was. When we got engaged, I still hadn't surrendered my life to Christ. I thought I had, but I don't think that I really had. I do believe that I always had a heart for him, but I was not surrendered at that point.
All I knew was that we couldn't get married without going to church, so he agreed. He was not raised in church, but he was willing to do whatever I wanted so we would be happy. The irony of this story is that he was not raised, nor taught the things of the Lord, but yet he has more Christlike qualities than anyone I have ever met!
After I had been married a while a friend of mine from High School was interested in going to church with me. So, one Sunday she went and seemed very uncomfortable, and never went back. We would talk about heaven and hell, and salvation, but she told me that she wanted to make that commitment.
I had another friend in the same situation, never went to church, wasn't raised in church, and only had heard the name Jesus but didn't know anything else. She asked me if she could come to church with me one Sunday, and so she did. She enjoyed it, and went home and told her husband about it. Not long after they began looking for a church in her area...and then soon after she made a commitment to Christ and I watched her be baptized!
Why do I write all of this you wonder? Well, I have to realize that not everyone that I share Christ with is going to accept what He gives. Just because it rings sweetly in my ears doesn't mean it will on everyone. Both friends were interested, but one wasn't ready to walk away from her life. That's OK. Maybe God has just allowed me to plant the seed, and someone else will come along and fertilize and water it and then she will accept. My other friend was ready. I just happened to have the opportunity to be in her path.
Later on my friend that did accept Christ told me that I just talked about church and God with her like she was supposed to understand and so she had to check it out for herself. I guess I am just to real sometimes and will just share just about anything...but something clicked. I had no idea what I was doing was churning up something in her, but God did.
I sometimes get discouraged about my old friends and how they are still in the same rat race of life with no shield, but then I have to remember the few that did meet the Jesus that I shared with them. I can't give up, although in this day in age it feels as though people are becoming less and less receptive...we need to make our knees bleed in prayer for thsoe who are lost. We need to cry out to our Father for those who don't want to listen. I am afraid the time is coming closer and closer for there to be no more tomorrow. Not everybody will listen, but that doesn't mean that we quit telling the story. There are some that are ready and waiting but just don't know it..so we have to sow it :)
All I knew was that we couldn't get married without going to church, so he agreed. He was not raised in church, but he was willing to do whatever I wanted so we would be happy. The irony of this story is that he was not raised, nor taught the things of the Lord, but yet he has more Christlike qualities than anyone I have ever met!
After I had been married a while a friend of mine from High School was interested in going to church with me. So, one Sunday she went and seemed very uncomfortable, and never went back. We would talk about heaven and hell, and salvation, but she told me that she wanted to make that commitment.
I had another friend in the same situation, never went to church, wasn't raised in church, and only had heard the name Jesus but didn't know anything else. She asked me if she could come to church with me one Sunday, and so she did. She enjoyed it, and went home and told her husband about it. Not long after they began looking for a church in her area...and then soon after she made a commitment to Christ and I watched her be baptized!
Why do I write all of this you wonder? Well, I have to realize that not everyone that I share Christ with is going to accept what He gives. Just because it rings sweetly in my ears doesn't mean it will on everyone. Both friends were interested, but one wasn't ready to walk away from her life. That's OK. Maybe God has just allowed me to plant the seed, and someone else will come along and fertilize and water it and then she will accept. My other friend was ready. I just happened to have the opportunity to be in her path.
Later on my friend that did accept Christ told me that I just talked about church and God with her like she was supposed to understand and so she had to check it out for herself. I guess I am just to real sometimes and will just share just about anything...but something clicked. I had no idea what I was doing was churning up something in her, but God did.
I sometimes get discouraged about my old friends and how they are still in the same rat race of life with no shield, but then I have to remember the few that did meet the Jesus that I shared with them. I can't give up, although in this day in age it feels as though people are becoming less and less receptive...we need to make our knees bleed in prayer for thsoe who are lost. We need to cry out to our Father for those who don't want to listen. I am afraid the time is coming closer and closer for there to be no more tomorrow. Not everybody will listen, but that doesn't mean that we quit telling the story. There are some that are ready and waiting but just don't know it..so we have to sow it :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Cart Before the Horse
I am a little sore today, but for some odd reason it feels good. I guess it is the feeling of small success, and that feels so much better than failure, don't ya think?? Last night before going to bed I asked Donnie "can you tell if I look different?" I thought it was a reasonable question, but he looked at me kind of funny and smiled. When he realized that I was serious he said " yeah, you do look smaller." Yeah, right! I said "don't lie, if you can't tell, you can't tell. But don't just say what you think I want to hear." Then he sheepishly said "well, I just thought it was a little early in the game to tell. It's only been a few days."
How true is this that I do this to myself with everything in my life. 4 days on the treadmill, no cokes or desserts and I think I deserve a cover on a magazine...well, I won't go that far...how about being able to put on my favorite jeans, that is more realistic :)
Seriously, I get the cart before the horse on everything, and I mean everything. I have a real problem with being still ( maybe a result of all the caffeine??) and just waiting on God. I want to know Who, What, When, Why, How...and NOW! I don't want to wait for the morning edition of something I want God's VIP pass to know it all. I have probably missed so much peace from being to antsy. I want this, I want to do that. Why can't I just chill and be happy with what I am doing?
I'll tell you why: because I am nosy and controlling. There I said it, ahhh...I can breathe. I am not trusting God with taking care of business, and I want to know what is happening just in case he doesn't come through the way I was expecting and I can prepare myself to take care of the situation or guard my heart. If I would spend less time fretting over what is to come and more time on God's promises, I think my peace would have come like a river. Isaiah 48:17-18
How true is this that I do this to myself with everything in my life. 4 days on the treadmill, no cokes or desserts and I think I deserve a cover on a magazine...well, I won't go that far...how about being able to put on my favorite jeans, that is more realistic :)
Seriously, I get the cart before the horse on everything, and I mean everything. I have a real problem with being still ( maybe a result of all the caffeine??) and just waiting on God. I want to know Who, What, When, Why, How...and NOW! I don't want to wait for the morning edition of something I want God's VIP pass to know it all. I have probably missed so much peace from being to antsy. I want this, I want to do that. Why can't I just chill and be happy with what I am doing?
I'll tell you why: because I am nosy and controlling. There I said it, ahhh...I can breathe. I am not trusting God with taking care of business, and I want to know what is happening just in case he doesn't come through the way I was expecting and I can prepare myself to take care of the situation or guard my heart. If I would spend less time fretting over what is to come and more time on God's promises, I think my peace would have come like a river. Isaiah 48:17-18
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Who's hiding the Cookies??
I am not one for adding dieting to my New Year's list. I have always found that as soon as I use that nasty four letter word, I F A I L, and fall completely on my face. Maybe it is because self control has not been a good friend to me. Maybe it is because most of my friends were always so thin and in shape, I figured I wasn't going to be the one to be looked at so I succumbed to the extra donut. I was always the same size when in high school and it wasn't until I met Donnie that I really started to eat. His family loves to cook wonderful food and lots of it! They hold the old fashioned way of life that a good day never starts without a good breakfast. His family actually eats really well and doesn't do much junk food. My problem is that I had never tasted food so good, I couldn't help myself. After we were married we lived next door to his aunt who was the main cook for all of the dinners...I hit the jackpot!! We ate over there almost every night until we moved. I am not saying that my weight gain came from there, no way! I am saying it was the first time that I felt freedom with food and good food at that.
Now that I am getting close to 30, 2 kids, and 9.5 years of marriage under my elastic pants, I think it is time for a change. I don't feel as good as I think I am supposed to, diabetes is creeping up on me, and quite honestly I think God is tapping me on the shoulder inviting me to find a better way to live. In High School I lived off of coke and cigarettes, and I am still pretty bad about drinking them more than other things (I did eventually give up smoking though)
So now Donnie and I are trying our best swallow this pill. We are trying to not only get our bodies into shape, but our finances as well. Well, let me just tell you, all it took for me to grab my coat tonight was for him to mention the words chips and cheese dip! I was ready to put that yucky fish back into the refrigerator and hit our favorite Mexican restaurant. But then I remembered just how hard we have been working and one slip to the flesh and it would be a landslide! I would be drinking cokes and eating donuts by the handfuls. My self control would be non existent. Did we go? No, because not only did I not want to blow it there, we really need to be in more control of our spending : AKA eating out.
So here we are into a week of eating better and exercising just like so many other Americans, but I am not looking at it from the view that I have to do it b/c of this or that but b/c we are choosing to do this for our family. We are tired, and want to run and play with the kids. I want to be able to buy other things but can't b/c we eat out too much. But most of all, I let the Lord live in this temple for many, many years and be surrounded by dripping caramel, smoke stains, and caffeine. That is no way to treat something that is a pure gift.
I am not thrilled about trying to exercise with 2 children and a dog trying to get on the treadmill with me, but it has got to be done. Am I glad that I have not had a coke in days let alone some really good dessert? No way. Does this mean that I never will? Absolutely not. I am at the point where I have to step away from the dessert bar for a while until I can gain control over myself. I am telling you, I am a complete sugar baby...but there were no twinkie trees in the garden of Eden, so I guess I should not over indulge in the things that are man made.
Now that I am getting close to 30, 2 kids, and 9.5 years of marriage under my elastic pants, I think it is time for a change. I don't feel as good as I think I am supposed to, diabetes is creeping up on me, and quite honestly I think God is tapping me on the shoulder inviting me to find a better way to live. In High School I lived off of coke and cigarettes, and I am still pretty bad about drinking them more than other things (I did eventually give up smoking though)
So now Donnie and I are trying our best swallow this pill. We are trying to not only get our bodies into shape, but our finances as well. Well, let me just tell you, all it took for me to grab my coat tonight was for him to mention the words chips and cheese dip! I was ready to put that yucky fish back into the refrigerator and hit our favorite Mexican restaurant. But then I remembered just how hard we have been working and one slip to the flesh and it would be a landslide! I would be drinking cokes and eating donuts by the handfuls. My self control would be non existent. Did we go? No, because not only did I not want to blow it there, we really need to be in more control of our spending : AKA eating out.
So here we are into a week of eating better and exercising just like so many other Americans, but I am not looking at it from the view that I have to do it b/c of this or that but b/c we are choosing to do this for our family. We are tired, and want to run and play with the kids. I want to be able to buy other things but can't b/c we eat out too much. But most of all, I let the Lord live in this temple for many, many years and be surrounded by dripping caramel, smoke stains, and caffeine. That is no way to treat something that is a pure gift.
I am not thrilled about trying to exercise with 2 children and a dog trying to get on the treadmill with me, but it has got to be done. Am I glad that I have not had a coke in days let alone some really good dessert? No way. Does this mean that I never will? Absolutely not. I am at the point where I have to step away from the dessert bar for a while until I can gain control over myself. I am telling you, I am a complete sugar baby...but there were no twinkie trees in the garden of Eden, so I guess I should not over indulge in the things that are man made.
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