Tomorrow will mark the very first day of the first month aka: New Year's Day. I think everyone looks forward to this day because there is always a hope that something will change for the better, become better, and be different than what it is today. I can say that my credit card is still going to be the same tomorrow with maybe a little less on it, my children are still going to fight with one another, and I will still have dishes to do. I don't' look to the new year to be my saving grace because I already have that. I don't look to it to kid myself into thinking I am going to nicely squeeze back into my Pre-Preggie blue jeans by mid March, because I am still going to have that piece of cake and coffee after my meal with my friends :) I could name off many more things that I want to change, but just like healing it doesn't happen over night. I give myself grace to know that it doesn't happen instantly. Yes, Jesus healed instantly to some, but I think he knows that I am one that has to learn a bit slower. I am like a good crock pot...I have to simmer on low for awhile b/c when I go to boiling hot too quickly, my head nearly explodes with pride, so I have to keep at a steady pace. Maybe that is why he has planted me near water...I need to slow down, be still, and relax :)
I can't think of anyone stating New Year's Resolutions in the Bible, but God does say that he will give us the desires of our hearts. I don't think that means he will don me with a heavy new rock for my finger, but I do think he will help me to find a nice balance between school and house cleaning. I love date nights with my husband, so I know he will help us to find the opportunities to make that happen. But one thing that comes to mind that I haven't thought much about is being more intentional about my prayers for my husband and children. I see so many things in them that the Lord will use, but I have too do my part to be in tuned with God to know which is the best ways to steer them. (I am not trying to be the Holy Spirit for them, just staying in check so I can help them how He wants me to)
For instance : Emily is so sensitive and passionate about other people and is in tuned to their actions and heart. We were in a Chinese restaurant together and she asked if I thought the people that worked there knew Jesus. She wanted to make sure that they knew about them. When we prayed before our meal, she asked to pray and not only did she thank God for the food we were eating, but for the people who prepared our food! Did I mention she is only 5 1/2? I am not tooting my own horn b/c believe me, that is only the work of the Lord. There have been many days that I didn't know if she even cared about what I was teaching her, but today I saw a piece of that fruit bud pop out of my little one. Emily has so many qualities that God has given her that can be used mightily for him, but I believe that if I do not watch for the weeds that pop up and help her or pray about it those weeds could be become too much and choke out some of the things that have been budding. I also have to be sensitive to not being a weed killer either. Nobody likes to be put down or made to feel guilty for what they do and this is not an easy area for a dying Pharisee as myself :(
My prayer for the New Year will include some things like exercise b/c I need to be more healthy for myself and my family, and probably less refined sugar, but I don't think that is what the Lord wants me to focus solely on. I think He wants me to just "be still, and know He is God". I am praying that I will be intentional in prayer for my family and go beyond the " please keep us safe and healthy" line. I want to dig deeper. I want to see roots of unrighteousness pulled out and replaced with HIS fruit.
I am so thankful for this year and I am looking forward to next year. I can honestly look back over the last year and see a huge hand from God in my life. I am praying that I will be praising more and complaining less.
From my Hammock to your resting place: Happy New Year!
What do you want to be intentional about?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Keeping it to Myself
I have been mulling over why Mary would have pondered in her heart the wonderful event of having the Magi (or Wise men) in her home rather than sharing the good news with others. Can you imagine sweeping your front porch only to look up, and seeing several richly dressed men carrying very expensive travel bags along with their camels , and they are coming to your front door! They explain to this bewildered mother that they saw the star that shown to let it be known that the King of Kings had been born. They may have been worn and dusty from the trip, but their faces were shining as bright as the star because they found the house they were looking for that contained their promise they had heard about. Imagine how many nights they looked into the sky and said "Just a few more days, men and we will see the face of the son of God face to face!"
And think of Mary. What must she have thought as they arrived? Do you think she may have panicked a little because they could have arrived around supper time and she was trying to think of what all she could throw together in order to welcome these unexpected guests? Or do you think she may have possibly been over joyed that at just the right time, the Lord led the Magi to her home to bring her a renewed faith in that she was the mother of the son of God. Theology is not my expertise, but analyzing and letting my imagination run wild is. I have felt a little disconnected to Mary in that she obviously did not tell everything she knew as I have often done.
I have many times become too excited about something and the first thing I will do is to pick up the phone and call my mother or a close girlfriend. I usually tell my husband everything first, but I know that there is nothing like a woman to share shrieks and shrills with. What about Mary? Did she not feel so overwhelmed with joy to have such men of high honor kneeling to her small boy in her humble living room? The Bible does not say that she ran down the road to tell her mother, friends, or neighbors as soon as the camels kicked up dust; but that she simply "pondered these things in her heart." She received lavish gifts, but also gifts that had meaning of royalty, and even death. I think I would be wanting someone to help me bounce off ideas of all that had taken place or the possibilities of what they could have meant. But as I thought of why she didn't run and tell anyone, this is just a little of what came to my mind. These are my thoughts from my hammock and not a theology book...just my random thoughts.
1) What if Mary received so much criticism and gossip about her "immaculate" conception that she didn't feel safe to share any more info with others. When she first became pregnant we don't know if she told her mother, but we do know that she ran to her cousin Elizabeth's house and stayed with her for the first 3 months. She apparently felt connected and safe enough to tell her, but what about the others around her. I have found in my own life, sometimes it is better to let things roll around in my mind rather than "spilling the beans" about everything. Too much information can become used against the person telling, someone can get hurt, and words can become mixed. Maybe she wanted to keep those precious thoughts and words safe in her heart so that they could not be tainted by those who didn't believe as much as she did.
I don't know why Mary pondered in her heart, but I do know that it is a very good example for me to learn from in that it is not always best to share every detail about my life. I don't have to worry about what I say to the Lord because I know what I say is safe with Him.
And think of Mary. What must she have thought as they arrived? Do you think she may have panicked a little because they could have arrived around supper time and she was trying to think of what all she could throw together in order to welcome these unexpected guests? Or do you think she may have possibly been over joyed that at just the right time, the Lord led the Magi to her home to bring her a renewed faith in that she was the mother of the son of God. Theology is not my expertise, but analyzing and letting my imagination run wild is. I have felt a little disconnected to Mary in that she obviously did not tell everything she knew as I have often done.
I have many times become too excited about something and the first thing I will do is to pick up the phone and call my mother or a close girlfriend. I usually tell my husband everything first, but I know that there is nothing like a woman to share shrieks and shrills with. What about Mary? Did she not feel so overwhelmed with joy to have such men of high honor kneeling to her small boy in her humble living room? The Bible does not say that she ran down the road to tell her mother, friends, or neighbors as soon as the camels kicked up dust; but that she simply "pondered these things in her heart." She received lavish gifts, but also gifts that had meaning of royalty, and even death. I think I would be wanting someone to help me bounce off ideas of all that had taken place or the possibilities of what they could have meant. But as I thought of why she didn't run and tell anyone, this is just a little of what came to my mind. These are my thoughts from my hammock and not a theology book...just my random thoughts.
1) What if Mary received so much criticism and gossip about her "immaculate" conception that she didn't feel safe to share any more info with others. When she first became pregnant we don't know if she told her mother, but we do know that she ran to her cousin Elizabeth's house and stayed with her for the first 3 months. She apparently felt connected and safe enough to tell her, but what about the others around her. I have found in my own life, sometimes it is better to let things roll around in my mind rather than "spilling the beans" about everything. Too much information can become used against the person telling, someone can get hurt, and words can become mixed. Maybe she wanted to keep those precious thoughts and words safe in her heart so that they could not be tainted by those who didn't believe as much as she did.
I don't know why Mary pondered in her heart, but I do know that it is a very good example for me to learn from in that it is not always best to share every detail about my life. I don't have to worry about what I say to the Lord because I know what I say is safe with Him.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
In our home we strive to not show any favoritism of any kind to our children. However, others in our families or strangers do not hold to the same motto. So I have been batteling the green eyed monster in my home for the last 2/12 years. My daughter of course is the oldest and recieved so mucu attention and gifts because she was first in line. But when our little buddy came along, the gentle giant has been awakend! Becuase I have the opportunity to be the one who is mainly with the kids, I am one who sees the struggle that she has with this, and try to do and say what I can to help heal this wound in her. I have to admit that it is quite noticeable that people outside our little home do show favortism to my son over her. I don't know what it is. I think some people prefer boys to girls becuase they may find them easier to identify with. Some just find him so darn cute that they don't stop looking at him to notice her waving her arms trying to be "cute" to. Maybe it is the unusally blonde hair and blue eyes and I am so dark headed?? I don't know but all I know is that this momma cub gets offended too. I am not offended that people notice my child, but that I have 2, not 1. I have to watch the face of my precious daughter's heart sink when someone approaches us or we see family that say "hey little buddy!" and walk right past her. I know where she has been. I am no stranger to rejection. But what pains me teh most is that I tell her over and over that she is my number one girl, and I love her all the way to the moon. I give her many hugs, help her to speak up to the others so she is noticed to, but sometimes falls on deaf ears.
What hurts me the most is that it is not my sons fault becuase he is too young to understand what is going on, but she takes it out on him. She doesn't like anything that has to do with him becuase she is so jealous. I am out of words to speak at this point> I have faced this monster many months now, and I just don't know how else to respond to "well, I don't like him, I am jealous of him." We have talked about it being sin. We have tried to talk about how special God has made her. We have done special things for her and with her. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to say.
As I have been mulling over this situation it made me realize that I do the exact same thing to God. I whine and complain that he doesn't love me as much as so and so because they have a white cat and mine is striped. Or I have flat straight hair and not curly. Or I don't have the kind of feet that look good in sandals unless I am Fred Flintstones wife. It doesn't matter what God has gifted me with or given me or told me to do...I am a selfish creature, plain and simple. I am going to be jealous if I think I am getting jipped. I am not going to take it lightly if someone else is noticed and I am rejected. I am going to be just like my daughter and forget all the things he has done for me because I have my mind set on myself. What is the remedy for this problem??? I need to be thankful and tell it more often to God. When I am feeling rejected or left out, I should stop and recall all the blessings and promises that were given to me.
Now, if I can only execute this problem to my 5 1/2 year old :)
What hurts me the most is that it is not my sons fault becuase he is too young to understand what is going on, but she takes it out on him. She doesn't like anything that has to do with him becuase she is so jealous. I am out of words to speak at this point> I have faced this monster many months now, and I just don't know how else to respond to "well, I don't like him, I am jealous of him." We have talked about it being sin. We have tried to talk about how special God has made her. We have done special things for her and with her. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to say.
As I have been mulling over this situation it made me realize that I do the exact same thing to God. I whine and complain that he doesn't love me as much as so and so because they have a white cat and mine is striped. Or I have flat straight hair and not curly. Or I don't have the kind of feet that look good in sandals unless I am Fred Flintstones wife. It doesn't matter what God has gifted me with or given me or told me to do...I am a selfish creature, plain and simple. I am going to be jealous if I think I am getting jipped. I am not going to take it lightly if someone else is noticed and I am rejected. I am going to be just like my daughter and forget all the things he has done for me because I have my mind set on myself. What is the remedy for this problem??? I need to be thankful and tell it more often to God. When I am feeling rejected or left out, I should stop and recall all the blessings and promises that were given to me.
Now, if I can only execute this problem to my 5 1/2 year old :)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
A gentle reminder
Yesterday I was able to spend the afternoon with a longtime friend by having a leisurely lunch where I didn't have to share my drink, with 4 little fingers picking off of my plate, all the while fishing for the crayons that were falling under the table into the abyss of restaurant under the table land...yuck! I never want to look at the floor that I am putting my clean hands into because I don't want to have to have my stomach totally turned. So I keep one eye closed and the other looking at the top of the table. It's totally denial I know, but I really like to eat out..so I keep up this game.
As we were eating and actually having adult conversation, I couldn't help to notice how she hasn't changed all that much since she had her baby. Her baby, (who was the cutest baby every in his little Santa hat!) is 6 weeks old. He is a good baby, and does nothing more that eat, sleep, poop, and smile. You could say he is a delightful baby of course. Before we left for the restaurant found myself envying what she had going for her. Everything in her home and car had it's place. Nothing was scattered around. Nothing seemed to be crazy and disorganized. Her home felt like a safe place. It is always very warm and inviting, and now with the baby just makes it seem even more home-y. She didn't look totally frazzled and stressed out. She took her time with what she was doing with him. She wasn't stressed about the holiday traffic or what she ordered to eat. She wasn't apologetic for wanting to eat something tasty, nor did she say "Oh, I really shouldn't have that piece of cake and decaf coffee...I need to loose some weight." No, she said, "man this nursing has left me famished, so I am going to eat up. Now mind you, my friend is not Miss Piggy, nor was she before or during her pregnancy. I think she has something that most women don't have: confidence in Christ. She doesn't apologize for caring more about just sitting in the floor with her new bundle and not running a load of clothes or thinking of all the ways to save the world. She knows the world is right there in her arms. She knows that keeping check on his next feeding is not a hassle, but a gift from the Lord. She has been blessed beyond measure to feed her son, so she is not worrying about what the world may be screaming at her about vitamins and who knows what else. She is not worried about missing out on the real world because she knows she has friends who are a cup of coffee and phone call away to help bring life to her when she runs out of steam.
In the presence of sitting with her I felt the meaning of motherhood. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control. I have unfortunately let the storms of life and the lies of the deceiver rob me of each part of the fruit of the spirit, but I am thankful that the Lord is faithful to grab hold of me while my sheep are still young. I worried more about having to appear that I was holding it together, or that my house was not going to look like anyone lived there but one person. Let me tell you something from the depths of my heart: I desired nothing more than to appear as though I had it all together and could do it all because I believed a lie that I was not OK. I thought by trying to control everything and make everything perfect I would be acceptable to other people because deep down I knew I was a wreck. God is sovereign in that he didn't let me have my way. He didn't let me have a new house that I could showcase. He didn't let me have a baby that only slept and ate. Because I was not surrendered to the Lord in different areas of my life, I was a very unhappy Mommy, and unhappy mommies make unhappy babies. My baby knew I was stressed. I would cry, so she would cry, then I would cry some more. By the time she was 2, she thought the way we were supposed to pray was face down in the closet and to be crying! Talk about some drama!!
God may have not given me what I thought was best for me, but of course he did way more than I could have ever imagined. He gave to me what I needed for each step. He has replaced the emptiness with his fruit.
He did allow me to give birth to a healthy baby girl that is on loan to me, and now a little boy. So as I watched my friend bask in the delight of her new son, I asked myself " am I going to let another day go by complaining and whining that my motherhood experience didn't go as I planned, or am I going to enjoy the little bear cubs that he has entrusted to me? I felt the Lord whisper to me "priorities sweetie...simplify the stuff you've got, so you can enjoy the gifts you have.
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young." Isaiah 40:11
As we were eating and actually having adult conversation, I couldn't help to notice how she hasn't changed all that much since she had her baby. Her baby, (who was the cutest baby every in his little Santa hat!) is 6 weeks old. He is a good baby, and does nothing more that eat, sleep, poop, and smile. You could say he is a delightful baby of course. Before we left for the restaurant found myself envying what she had going for her. Everything in her home and car had it's place. Nothing was scattered around. Nothing seemed to be crazy and disorganized. Her home felt like a safe place. It is always very warm and inviting, and now with the baby just makes it seem even more home-y. She didn't look totally frazzled and stressed out. She took her time with what she was doing with him. She wasn't stressed about the holiday traffic or what she ordered to eat. She wasn't apologetic for wanting to eat something tasty, nor did she say "Oh, I really shouldn't have that piece of cake and decaf coffee...I need to loose some weight." No, she said, "man this nursing has left me famished, so I am going to eat up. Now mind you, my friend is not Miss Piggy, nor was she before or during her pregnancy. I think she has something that most women don't have: confidence in Christ. She doesn't apologize for caring more about just sitting in the floor with her new bundle and not running a load of clothes or thinking of all the ways to save the world. She knows the world is right there in her arms. She knows that keeping check on his next feeding is not a hassle, but a gift from the Lord. She has been blessed beyond measure to feed her son, so she is not worrying about what the world may be screaming at her about vitamins and who knows what else. She is not worried about missing out on the real world because she knows she has friends who are a cup of coffee and phone call away to help bring life to her when she runs out of steam.
In the presence of sitting with her I felt the meaning of motherhood. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control. I have unfortunately let the storms of life and the lies of the deceiver rob me of each part of the fruit of the spirit, but I am thankful that the Lord is faithful to grab hold of me while my sheep are still young. I worried more about having to appear that I was holding it together, or that my house was not going to look like anyone lived there but one person. Let me tell you something from the depths of my heart: I desired nothing more than to appear as though I had it all together and could do it all because I believed a lie that I was not OK. I thought by trying to control everything and make everything perfect I would be acceptable to other people because deep down I knew I was a wreck. God is sovereign in that he didn't let me have my way. He didn't let me have a new house that I could showcase. He didn't let me have a baby that only slept and ate. Because I was not surrendered to the Lord in different areas of my life, I was a very unhappy Mommy, and unhappy mommies make unhappy babies. My baby knew I was stressed. I would cry, so she would cry, then I would cry some more. By the time she was 2, she thought the way we were supposed to pray was face down in the closet and to be crying! Talk about some drama!!
God may have not given me what I thought was best for me, but of course he did way more than I could have ever imagined. He gave to me what I needed for each step. He has replaced the emptiness with his fruit.
He did allow me to give birth to a healthy baby girl that is on loan to me, and now a little boy. So as I watched my friend bask in the delight of her new son, I asked myself " am I going to let another day go by complaining and whining that my motherhood experience didn't go as I planned, or am I going to enjoy the little bear cubs that he has entrusted to me? I felt the Lord whisper to me "priorities sweetie...simplify the stuff you've got, so you can enjoy the gifts you have.
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young." Isaiah 40:11
Friday, December 19, 2008
Imitation Eve
I heard of this new website called Pandora.com where you can type in any music artist name and build your own radio station. It is really kind of cool, but I have always been curious as to what the phrase "Pandora's box" meant. As I googled Pandora, I found that Pandora was supposedly the first Greek goddess on earth, and who was given a special gift of a box that held many blessings for her had she not opened it. As you guessed, her curiosty got the best of her andshe opened it and found out what sickness and sadness were. As I read through the description, I thought "ha! she is an imitation Eve! Isn't it funny how the truth can become a lie in the shape of a unique name and a little box, hmmm??? It nerves me to read stuff like this because I know the truth, and my eyes have been opened to the truth, but there are so many that don't see the light as believers do. It sad to me because when I read that description it was like eating fake cheese...you know what I mean....you can tell when it is not Velveeta or Kraft. When oil is building up on the top like a water bubble and it breaks hard in half, you know that junk ain't real! Just like Pandora being and imitation, I knew where the real story came from, and I know who was really the first lady....do you??
It's not about me??
I sat down this morning to let all things be laid our before the Lord and to let it all out because I know nothing changes until I let Him change me. I think for a long time I have known who Jesus is, but this morning I found myself saying "Who is this Jesus?" I didn't say it this time with a snooty thought "So, who is this Jesus??" I have spoke of Him and even been teaching my children all about His love, while all the while I have been saying in the deep places "maybe for you, but not for me." Unbelief is a really hard thing to conquer, but the Lord was kind enough to guide me through HIS word and show me that I am wrong, and He is right. I found it interesting as I started through Luke to read the Christmas story and see if I can picture it better, understand it more, and put myself there at the scene that the Lord had better plans. I began to move from there back to Isiaiah where I have been going lately.
In going through chapters 44-49, I was greatly humbled at the words "There is no other god." In essence God was clearly saying to me gently "L, there is no other god that you can make that will ever equal what I am. You can make, and make, and buy other gods, but they won't last. They won't save you. They won't bring you peace. They are worthless. Did they stretch out the heavens with their hands? Did they allow their son to leave their royalty and regal position to be born to a poor young girl who did not appear to have any family status? And to be born in a place that was not in a comfortable shelter and had smelly animals surrounding her while she was in the midst of labor? Would those idols have allowed their king to be praised by lowly positioned shepherds, or would they have demanded the king of the city? Would those idols have allowed their child to be raised in a town where one could describe as 'can anything good come from there?' Did they have a son that they were willing to give up, to let be mocked, spit on, have his beard pulled, rejected, whipped and beaten, and then finally nailed to a cross and left to die? Who wants that for their child, and who is certainly going to let their child go for the sake of bringing wholeness, joy, happiness, and eternal life for those who do not deserve a drop of sweat from HIS brow? But the final question is did any of the other idols die for someone besides themselves, only to be brought back to life and is still alive today? I know many are skeptical about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, but here is my question: Why would anyone want to believe in a god that was made by a man who got hungry and weak, ate his lunch over a fire, and then made the idol? Think about it...that would be like me trying to make a glorious dessert out of a greasy skillet :( It ain't gonna happen... So why would anyone want to bow to something that can't speak even whey I cry out to it? My credit card can't save me, a new book can't save me, a new house, or car...nothing can save me. The bible calls this ignorance, and I have been there and I would totally agree.
I say all of this to show to myself that it doesn't really matter what I believe because God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow...He is just loving enough to let me join in. It's not about me. Now that is a hard pill to swallow.
Merry Christmas
In going through chapters 44-49, I was greatly humbled at the words "There is no other god." In essence God was clearly saying to me gently "L, there is no other god that you can make that will ever equal what I am. You can make, and make, and buy other gods, but they won't last. They won't save you. They won't bring you peace. They are worthless. Did they stretch out the heavens with their hands? Did they allow their son to leave their royalty and regal position to be born to a poor young girl who did not appear to have any family status? And to be born in a place that was not in a comfortable shelter and had smelly animals surrounding her while she was in the midst of labor? Would those idols have allowed their king to be praised by lowly positioned shepherds, or would they have demanded the king of the city? Would those idols have allowed their child to be raised in a town where one could describe as 'can anything good come from there?' Did they have a son that they were willing to give up, to let be mocked, spit on, have his beard pulled, rejected, whipped and beaten, and then finally nailed to a cross and left to die? Who wants that for their child, and who is certainly going to let their child go for the sake of bringing wholeness, joy, happiness, and eternal life for those who do not deserve a drop of sweat from HIS brow? But the final question is did any of the other idols die for someone besides themselves, only to be brought back to life and is still alive today? I know many are skeptical about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, but here is my question: Why would anyone want to believe in a god that was made by a man who got hungry and weak, ate his lunch over a fire, and then made the idol? Think about it...that would be like me trying to make a glorious dessert out of a greasy skillet :( It ain't gonna happen... So why would anyone want to bow to something that can't speak even whey I cry out to it? My credit card can't save me, a new book can't save me, a new house, or car...nothing can save me. The bible calls this ignorance, and I have been there and I would totally agree.
I say all of this to show to myself that it doesn't really matter what I believe because God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow...He is just loving enough to let me join in. It's not about me. Now that is a hard pill to swallow.
Merry Christmas
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Wood Shed
This past week I have been down with an intestinal virus...aka...stomach bug! It has been horrible. I only recall being this sick one other time and I was 5 month pregnant with Jacob. At least I was fortunate enough to be able to make the kids their breakfast and lunch, and my husband did the rest when he came home from work. I have had a hard week not only physically, but spiritually as well. Nothing like internal sickness to realize how spiritually sick I am as well.
I had much planned this week for school, church, and homeschool/church friends. We had a wonderful Christmas party planned for the kids that are HS'ing as well, that are also apart of our church. We were all looking forward to it, but then I got sick and we had to cancel. That same day was the day to turn in the cookies for the Jail Ministry at church and they needed 450 dozen. I had some already baked and in the freezer, but it wasn't nearly what I had hoped to do. As for school...well, my kids have been getting their education this week from Tom and Jerry, Dora, Diego, The Backyardigans, and any other cartoon that came on. This did not leave me the least bit impressed, but there was nothing that I could do. I did manage to do a little something with Emily when I was able to not run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I could have called my mother-in-law to help, but I didn't want her to catch what I had, so I toughed it out. I am not a superhero to say the least. In fact, I have felt helpless. At one point I didn't know weather to laugh or cry when my kids were eating apples before I could get up the stairs to get them their breakfast :(
I am not saying all of this to be so sadly pathetic. I am disappointed that I was unable to read my bible like I normally did, and I could recall scriptures, but I didn't want to. Frankly, I am weary of the same trials. I just want to move on with my little school and not face all of the should haves would haves...
This week I have had to face my lack of faith and worship. When the going gets tough, I can handle it. But when the going keeps entering into the deep places of my heart that I am tired of being exposed, I break down like a child. I don't want my sin exposed...who does? I don't want to deal with my pride or selfish nature..who does? I am OK with what I am doing until God takes me back to the places that I don't want to see anymore. I am going to be honest and say that after all of this exposure I have felt abandoned and embarrassed. I don't seem to know anyone else who struggles with the same things. It is not a lack of faith for me, but rather a lack of respect. I am not respecting where God has brought me too, nor am I respecting the task at hand. I hate the feeling of being broken in fellowship. I hate the feeling of being separated from him. Most of all, I hate the feeling of always being "taken to the wood shed." I am wasting my time of being disciplined rather than staying the course of obedience. I repent of that last thing in my life that I hold onto and won't let him have. Do you know what happens when I play with fire? Everybody in my home gets burned. It begins with me and they don't know. But then my attitude changes and then it trickles down to all. All I know is that even though I don't get it all what I am supposed to get, I have got to hang on the garment of Jesus if I want to keep this ship afloat.
I had much planned this week for school, church, and homeschool/church friends. We had a wonderful Christmas party planned for the kids that are HS'ing as well, that are also apart of our church. We were all looking forward to it, but then I got sick and we had to cancel. That same day was the day to turn in the cookies for the Jail Ministry at church and they needed 450 dozen. I had some already baked and in the freezer, but it wasn't nearly what I had hoped to do. As for school...well, my kids have been getting their education this week from Tom and Jerry, Dora, Diego, The Backyardigans, and any other cartoon that came on. This did not leave me the least bit impressed, but there was nothing that I could do. I did manage to do a little something with Emily when I was able to not run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I could have called my mother-in-law to help, but I didn't want her to catch what I had, so I toughed it out. I am not a superhero to say the least. In fact, I have felt helpless. At one point I didn't know weather to laugh or cry when my kids were eating apples before I could get up the stairs to get them their breakfast :(
I am not saying all of this to be so sadly pathetic. I am disappointed that I was unable to read my bible like I normally did, and I could recall scriptures, but I didn't want to. Frankly, I am weary of the same trials. I just want to move on with my little school and not face all of the should haves would haves...
This week I have had to face my lack of faith and worship. When the going gets tough, I can handle it. But when the going keeps entering into the deep places of my heart that I am tired of being exposed, I break down like a child. I don't want my sin exposed...who does? I don't want to deal with my pride or selfish nature..who does? I am OK with what I am doing until God takes me back to the places that I don't want to see anymore. I am going to be honest and say that after all of this exposure I have felt abandoned and embarrassed. I don't seem to know anyone else who struggles with the same things. It is not a lack of faith for me, but rather a lack of respect. I am not respecting where God has brought me too, nor am I respecting the task at hand. I hate the feeling of being broken in fellowship. I hate the feeling of being separated from him. Most of all, I hate the feeling of always being "taken to the wood shed." I am wasting my time of being disciplined rather than staying the course of obedience. I repent of that last thing in my life that I hold onto and won't let him have. Do you know what happens when I play with fire? Everybody in my home gets burned. It begins with me and they don't know. But then my attitude changes and then it trickles down to all. All I know is that even though I don't get it all what I am supposed to get, I have got to hang on the garment of Jesus if I want to keep this ship afloat.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
With the Christmas festivities in full swing, it is hard to dodge some stray bullets that may be coming at my family. It is easier during the year to delay meeting with certain people, be unavailable to attend certain dinner invitations, or someone "just may be sick" and not be able to come over. But during the holidays you know that to do such a thing really gives the impression that one must really be a scrooge to not be apart of the festivities. The truth to all of this is that my husband and I have never turned down any invitations that were handed out, so this may answer the question why I feel like we are often the perfect target for people to practice their target practice on. Everybody has felt like a punching bag at one point or another, and to feel it at the holidays can make the month more dreadful. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I also know that it is a very hard time for me personally. I won't go into all the tid bits because I don't think that my life details are that exciting, sometimes they are down right depressing...so I am thankful that I serve a God whom I can throw all of my attention to and take the focus off of myself (he must increase, and I must decrease..right!)
In writing this, I will admit that I do have a heavy heart, because I expect too much out of others and think that because the Lord has worked in so many ways in my life this year, maybe they want to hear about it...or maybe they have changed to. Try again. Since my husband and I have answered the call to home school, we have obtained much furrowed eyebrows, "ohs", and "hmmmsss". Sometimes even a hiss. I have had very dear friends that have been with me for years to disappear. It's like "now you hear from me, now you don't." I have had many questions, disappointed looks, and misunderstandings. But for some reason it is OK. Sure it hurts. Who wants to be rejected. But then I just have to remember that Jesus was rejected as well, and he told me this was how it would be. Not everyone is against us. We do have a cheering section for our little Harbor House Academy. It may be a small one, but little by little more are attending our games.
I couldn't do it without my best friend right by my side helping me along the way. He is my number one coach. In our home the teacher gets to date the principle :) Homeschooling is not easy, but what is when God calls us too it. How I know when something is right for me is when I am content and satisfied with what I am doing. Sure I fret, but then I read in Psalms 37 about not fretting, I lay it down, and move on to the next thing he has for me. I am teaching my children, but it is so much more than that. I want to have a speech prepared for those doubters and ney sayers but what would that prove? It will all some out on wash day. If my Lord is the one who brought us to this, than it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He will guide me, comfort me, show me the way..if I just keep looking to Him and no one else. I want to stand like shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and say "we know He can save us from this fire, and he may choose not to, but we will not worship any other god." (paraphrase).
In writing this, I will admit that I do have a heavy heart, because I expect too much out of others and think that because the Lord has worked in so many ways in my life this year, maybe they want to hear about it...or maybe they have changed to. Try again. Since my husband and I have answered the call to home school, we have obtained much furrowed eyebrows, "ohs", and "hmmmsss". Sometimes even a hiss. I have had very dear friends that have been with me for years to disappear. It's like "now you hear from me, now you don't." I have had many questions, disappointed looks, and misunderstandings. But for some reason it is OK. Sure it hurts. Who wants to be rejected. But then I just have to remember that Jesus was rejected as well, and he told me this was how it would be. Not everyone is against us. We do have a cheering section for our little Harbor House Academy. It may be a small one, but little by little more are attending our games.
I couldn't do it without my best friend right by my side helping me along the way. He is my number one coach. In our home the teacher gets to date the principle :) Homeschooling is not easy, but what is when God calls us too it. How I know when something is right for me is when I am content and satisfied with what I am doing. Sure I fret, but then I read in Psalms 37 about not fretting, I lay it down, and move on to the next thing he has for me. I am teaching my children, but it is so much more than that. I want to have a speech prepared for those doubters and ney sayers but what would that prove? It will all some out on wash day. If my Lord is the one who brought us to this, than it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He will guide me, comfort me, show me the way..if I just keep looking to Him and no one else. I want to stand like shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and say "we know He can save us from this fire, and he may choose not to, but we will not worship any other god." (paraphrase).
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Shout to the Lord with a Care Bear Stare
When I was a little girl I used to watch the Care Bears, as many girls my age did. Today, the Care Bears have come back in style, so I get to relive those cute and fun loving little bears all over again with my daughter. The Care Bears all had their own unique personalities and would all help one another with their special "gifts" that were given to them, and they so proudly wore them on their cute little bear tummies. I am not really sure about how the story of the bears came about, and who gave them their own special gift, all I know is that even Grumpy Bear was helpful. As I can recall, each episode never ended without the "Care Bear Stare" to help save the day. Each Bear would proudly and courageously stand together and and one would say "Care Bears, Stare!", and all of the colors of the rainbow would come from each bear and unite with the other's colors. Oh, the colors were so mesmerizing. I always felt that justice would be served when those little bears would come together like that!
What made me think of this illustration comes from my own frustration of wanting to shout from the mountaintops my praise and worship to the Lord. My children hear me over and over about loving the Lord with all we have, but they are so small they just jump up and down and then go back to their coloring book and goldfish. It is short lived. I tell my husband, and although he loves to hear my proclamations he does have a stomach that needs to be filled and dirty clothes that don't wash themselves. The cashier at Wal-Mart just wants to take a break and doesn't want to be bothered with some crazy white girl talking about colors shining from her "tummy." So with my frustraions I turned to the Lord and asked if he would help me to make sense of my longing to stand on a mountain top and fling my arms wide open, shoutingmy song to Him. He lead me to Isaiah (which is where I have been going lateley, so I think I need to take a deeper look into this book, what do you think??)
In reading Isaiah 12 I became so excited to see in black and white about the thanksgiving we will give in the Kingdom. I am probably reading out of context, but my small mind comprehended the words this way: "The Lord is my strength and my song" (vs 2), "With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation"! (vs 3) But the verse that made me see what I am longing for is vs 4.
"In that day you will say:
Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that His name is exalted." I wish I had a voice over for this one so you could hear me say "Boo-Ya"!! "Whoop Whoop!! Can you say "Care bear Stare to the Lord for all that His is and all that He has done!!
Do you get it?? Picture it: (If you have to picture the Care Bears then go for it, that is how my mind works these days...kiddie language) One day ALL nations will be standing together, holding hands and giving our best chest sticking out stare that we can! All of our colors, gifts,talents, and praise will all come out of each heart and come together and unite as one and all for our Savior!
There will be no more bad guys to fight. There will be no more grumpy bears, or "good luck bears." There will be no more Idol Bears, Alcoholic Bears, Tobacco Bears, Drug Bears, molester Bears, Greedy Bears, prideful bears...I could go on and on, but I think you see where I was going with that one.
In that day we will ALL be praise bears!!
What made me think of this illustration comes from my own frustration of wanting to shout from the mountaintops my praise and worship to the Lord. My children hear me over and over about loving the Lord with all we have, but they are so small they just jump up and down and then go back to their coloring book and goldfish. It is short lived. I tell my husband, and although he loves to hear my proclamations he does have a stomach that needs to be filled and dirty clothes that don't wash themselves. The cashier at Wal-Mart just wants to take a break and doesn't want to be bothered with some crazy white girl talking about colors shining from her "tummy." So with my frustraions I turned to the Lord and asked if he would help me to make sense of my longing to stand on a mountain top and fling my arms wide open, shoutingmy song to Him. He lead me to Isaiah (which is where I have been going lateley, so I think I need to take a deeper look into this book, what do you think??)
In reading Isaiah 12 I became so excited to see in black and white about the thanksgiving we will give in the Kingdom. I am probably reading out of context, but my small mind comprehended the words this way: "The Lord is my strength and my song" (vs 2), "With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation"! (vs 3) But the verse that made me see what I am longing for is vs 4.
"In that day you will say:
Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that His name is exalted." I wish I had a voice over for this one so you could hear me say "Boo-Ya"!! "Whoop Whoop!! Can you say "Care bear Stare to the Lord for all that His is and all that He has done!!
Do you get it?? Picture it: (If you have to picture the Care Bears then go for it, that is how my mind works these days...kiddie language) One day ALL nations will be standing together, holding hands and giving our best chest sticking out stare that we can! All of our colors, gifts,talents, and praise will all come out of each heart and come together and unite as one and all for our Savior!
There will be no more bad guys to fight. There will be no more grumpy bears, or "good luck bears." There will be no more Idol Bears, Alcoholic Bears, Tobacco Bears, Drug Bears, molester Bears, Greedy Bears, prideful bears...I could go on and on, but I think you see where I was going with that one.
In that day we will ALL be praise bears!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Grace Stop #2 An Unsuspecting Friend
After all the mess that I put myself through growing up, God still gave me the desires of my heart. So many times I should have lost my life, been injured, or suffered other major consequences for my very poor choices. He should have lit my seat on fire when sitting in church, but instead he would send a nice man or woman to be kind and shepherd me.
When I was about 8 or 9 I walked around my parents front yard and looked up to the sky and said "God will you tell me who I am going to marry, please?" All I wanted was a sign to know that I wasn't going to be left out of the playing field. I didn't want to wind up without a husband and family. It wasn't about the white dress and beautiful flowers to me...I wanted a best friend to grow old with. Someone who would love me back. Someone to laugh with. Share with. Watch movies with. You get the point. All the while there my future husband was. He may have been in my back yard or on my brothers ball teams. I giggled around many of my brother's friends and of course they didn't giggle back, they laughed and threw spitballs. There was one friend in particular that treated me as if I were the only person on the planet. Sure, he may have treated everyone that way, but he was still different. I remember running into him at Lake Winnie when I was with some friends, and he was playing a basketball game. I couldn't breathe when he talked to me, I nearly fell over! The way he wore his hat backwards and held that basketball, and flashed his pearly whites was nearly enough for my friends to have to call the paramedics. He truly made my heart stop. I was only in the 6th grade after all...but he was a sophomore in high school!
Years went by and I never saw him unless at a ball game, but he had a main girlfriend and everyone was just sure that they were going to grow old together. My brother switched high schools, and he lost contact with many of his old buddies. I don't believe in luck, but I do believe in divine appointments. My brother went to this little country line dancing place on Friday and Saturday nights with his old buddies from high school called the "Pickin Barn." It was a little barn way out in the country that was on the property of a family farm. The family had turned this barn into a place where families could come together and have a night of "good clean fun with no foolishness" (how'd you like that :) My friend and I were curious as to what they did there, b/c we knew that my bro was not going to dance, and if there were any cute guys there we wanted in! I walked in a little taller, and a little thinner than the last time I saw him. I had found out about good hygiene and said good bye to bad perms. No more tight rolling and body suits for this girl..no way. I was much more sophisticated and well versed now that I was 17. :)
I walked in this little barn with Christmas lights surrounding the beams up above. There were people line dancing to bluegrass music and little children running around with funnel cake sugar dust on their faces. There were shy boys standing in the shadows of the barn trying to muster up enough nerve to ask the sweet girls waiting patiently on their hay bales. As I made my way passed the small concessions stand and rolling hot dog machine, that is when I saw HIM. There he was sitting on a fold out chair against the wall...alone. I made my way cautiously over to him as though I had it all under control while all the while sweating bullets under my denim jacket. I sat down and said controlled as possible said "Hey Donnie, how are you?" When at that very moment of thinking I was so calm, cool, and collected he turned to me and said "Fine, how 'bout yourself?" I don't really know what happened after that nor do I remember the conversation b/c something buzzed into my ear at the very moment he looked into my eyes. It was this still small voice, one that I hadn't heard in many years, say "you are going to marry him." Now I don't really believe in fate, but I do believe in the prompting of the Holy Spirit. You see, had that not been in my ear that day, I would have made a series of bad mistakes which would have lead to me loosing Donnie. Donnie is not my savior, but my Savior did hear my prayer and he sent me the perfect match to be my soul mate. God knew what I had been through and what I would go through, and what I will continue to go through. He knew that Donnie was the man for this hard job. He knew that I needed a best friend such as him.
I am so thankful that this story didn't end and that we continue to grow closer each and every day. As we said our wedding vows, I teared as the Pastor said "Donnie will you love Leanne as Christ loves the church?" I can tell you to this very day, he has shown Christ more to me than I have ever known. Have I always recognized it for what it was? No. It devastates me to no end that I have taken for granted many times the love that my heavenly father has sent me in the form of a husband. For reasons unknown to me, God chose to hear my prayer that day, and to save me from the destruction of myself.
After Donnie's father passed away, and his mother was asked if she thought she would ever re-marry, she replied "Why would I want anyone else when I had the best." And that is exactly the way I feel about my man.
When I was about 8 or 9 I walked around my parents front yard and looked up to the sky and said "God will you tell me who I am going to marry, please?" All I wanted was a sign to know that I wasn't going to be left out of the playing field. I didn't want to wind up without a husband and family. It wasn't about the white dress and beautiful flowers to me...I wanted a best friend to grow old with. Someone who would love me back. Someone to laugh with. Share with. Watch movies with. You get the point. All the while there my future husband was. He may have been in my back yard or on my brothers ball teams. I giggled around many of my brother's friends and of course they didn't giggle back, they laughed and threw spitballs. There was one friend in particular that treated me as if I were the only person on the planet. Sure, he may have treated everyone that way, but he was still different. I remember running into him at Lake Winnie when I was with some friends, and he was playing a basketball game. I couldn't breathe when he talked to me, I nearly fell over! The way he wore his hat backwards and held that basketball, and flashed his pearly whites was nearly enough for my friends to have to call the paramedics. He truly made my heart stop. I was only in the 6th grade after all...but he was a sophomore in high school!
Years went by and I never saw him unless at a ball game, but he had a main girlfriend and everyone was just sure that they were going to grow old together. My brother switched high schools, and he lost contact with many of his old buddies. I don't believe in luck, but I do believe in divine appointments. My brother went to this little country line dancing place on Friday and Saturday nights with his old buddies from high school called the "Pickin Barn." It was a little barn way out in the country that was on the property of a family farm. The family had turned this barn into a place where families could come together and have a night of "good clean fun with no foolishness" (how'd you like that :) My friend and I were curious as to what they did there, b/c we knew that my bro was not going to dance, and if there were any cute guys there we wanted in! I walked in a little taller, and a little thinner than the last time I saw him. I had found out about good hygiene and said good bye to bad perms. No more tight rolling and body suits for this girl..no way. I was much more sophisticated and well versed now that I was 17. :)
I walked in this little barn with Christmas lights surrounding the beams up above. There were people line dancing to bluegrass music and little children running around with funnel cake sugar dust on their faces. There were shy boys standing in the shadows of the barn trying to muster up enough nerve to ask the sweet girls waiting patiently on their hay bales. As I made my way passed the small concessions stand and rolling hot dog machine, that is when I saw HIM. There he was sitting on a fold out chair against the wall...alone. I made my way cautiously over to him as though I had it all under control while all the while sweating bullets under my denim jacket. I sat down and said controlled as possible said "Hey Donnie, how are you?" When at that very moment of thinking I was so calm, cool, and collected he turned to me and said "Fine, how 'bout yourself?" I don't really know what happened after that nor do I remember the conversation b/c something buzzed into my ear at the very moment he looked into my eyes. It was this still small voice, one that I hadn't heard in many years, say "you are going to marry him." Now I don't really believe in fate, but I do believe in the prompting of the Holy Spirit. You see, had that not been in my ear that day, I would have made a series of bad mistakes which would have lead to me loosing Donnie. Donnie is not my savior, but my Savior did hear my prayer and he sent me the perfect match to be my soul mate. God knew what I had been through and what I would go through, and what I will continue to go through. He knew that Donnie was the man for this hard job. He knew that I needed a best friend such as him.
I am so thankful that this story didn't end and that we continue to grow closer each and every day. As we said our wedding vows, I teared as the Pastor said "Donnie will you love Leanne as Christ loves the church?" I can tell you to this very day, he has shown Christ more to me than I have ever known. Have I always recognized it for what it was? No. It devastates me to no end that I have taken for granted many times the love that my heavenly father has sent me in the form of a husband. For reasons unknown to me, God chose to hear my prayer that day, and to save me from the destruction of myself.
After Donnie's father passed away, and his mother was asked if she thought she would ever re-marry, she replied "Why would I want anyone else when I had the best." And that is exactly the way I feel about my man.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Grace Stop #1 : Maybe I wasn't overlooked afterall
If I haven't already stated in my previous posts I grew up in a very difficult and dysfunctional family. We all have them, and mine was no worse than anyone else's and I didn't have it as bad as I could have. I wasn't dealt an "unfair" hand, but I was allowed to be derived from a very unhealthy line of people. My failure to see that I am special to anyone including God has been a very evil tact by the enemy to keep the nice generational junk circulating as long as he can. I hope the buck stops here...and if not me, than with my children.
I learned alot of information about my family tree yesterday that I was not aware of before. I knew bits and pieces from both sides, but I guess I became a captive audience to my parents to be allowed to hear some things that I had never heard before. I always am torn to hearing more family stuff because although it helps me to understand the bad fruit that has been produced in my family, it is also very sobering to just how hard it has been to live in this family. I will not indulge in any of the details because that is not necessary. We all have baggage and at least one drunk uncle, if not the drunk uncle it is going to be someone else with some other "secret" problem.
One thing that I did learn that is the most valuable piece of information to me is that I had 1 great grand parent on my father's side who was a believer and then my great great grandparents on my mother's side that were believers...that is it folks :( I was stunned to hear that there were no believers in my family. Some converted later in life, but never fully surrendered and they only secured themselves a fire insurance policy. This was so disheartening to me to hear that Jesus was never a household name. Knowing this helps to explain alot for me. I won't go into all of it b/c quite frankly it is a sure fire way to be brought down. I have had enough of the gloom and doom for one life time, so I will share where I see grace coming into all of this.
I was in about the 1st grade when I attend an Awana club meeting with a neighborhood friend. I went often with her for a while, where I heard about Jesus and learned scripture by memory. One particular night a man gave an alter call, and I remember thinking that I wanted to have Jesus in my heart, and I truly believe that he answered that call. My dad thought I was too young to know what I was talking about, but looking back I believe that it was grace that saw a little girl coming from a sad and wicked line of people who cared for nothing unless it was benefiting them. I believe that God saw that there was potential in my young and sensitive heart to be obedient and desperate for the living water. Every time my a little more of my family was being chipped away, God would place someone in my path to keep me afloat. I drifted along the way, but there is too much evidence in my heart that he never left me to my own devices.
I am so thankful that God could have overlooked me b/c of who and where I was coming from. But he doesn't work that way. He allowed His precious son to die for whosoever would accept...I was a whosoever, but now my name is written on His hand!
Do you find it a coincidence that my husband and I teach the Sparkies in Awana?? I am shepherding little hearts to move into the kingdom just as someone had done for me! What trails of evidence of God's grace do you see threaded into your story?
Jn 3:16
I learned alot of information about my family tree yesterday that I was not aware of before. I knew bits and pieces from both sides, but I guess I became a captive audience to my parents to be allowed to hear some things that I had never heard before. I always am torn to hearing more family stuff because although it helps me to understand the bad fruit that has been produced in my family, it is also very sobering to just how hard it has been to live in this family. I will not indulge in any of the details because that is not necessary. We all have baggage and at least one drunk uncle, if not the drunk uncle it is going to be someone else with some other "secret" problem.
One thing that I did learn that is the most valuable piece of information to me is that I had 1 great grand parent on my father's side who was a believer and then my great great grandparents on my mother's side that were believers...that is it folks :( I was stunned to hear that there were no believers in my family. Some converted later in life, but never fully surrendered and they only secured themselves a fire insurance policy. This was so disheartening to me to hear that Jesus was never a household name. Knowing this helps to explain alot for me. I won't go into all of it b/c quite frankly it is a sure fire way to be brought down. I have had enough of the gloom and doom for one life time, so I will share where I see grace coming into all of this.
I was in about the 1st grade when I attend an Awana club meeting with a neighborhood friend. I went often with her for a while, where I heard about Jesus and learned scripture by memory. One particular night a man gave an alter call, and I remember thinking that I wanted to have Jesus in my heart, and I truly believe that he answered that call. My dad thought I was too young to know what I was talking about, but looking back I believe that it was grace that saw a little girl coming from a sad and wicked line of people who cared for nothing unless it was benefiting them. I believe that God saw that there was potential in my young and sensitive heart to be obedient and desperate for the living water. Every time my a little more of my family was being chipped away, God would place someone in my path to keep me afloat. I drifted along the way, but there is too much evidence in my heart that he never left me to my own devices.
I am so thankful that God could have overlooked me b/c of who and where I was coming from. But he doesn't work that way. He allowed His precious son to die for whosoever would accept...I was a whosoever, but now my name is written on His hand!
Do you find it a coincidence that my husband and I teach the Sparkies in Awana?? I am shepherding little hearts to move into the kingdom just as someone had done for me! What trails of evidence of God's grace do you see threaded into your story?
Jn 3:16
Monday, December 1, 2008
My Resignation to find Grace and Liberation
I am giving up. I am resigning my life as one lived as a Pharisee. I can no longer live under my laws, my rules, and my principles. I am done. There is too much in me that wants to sing in the car out loud, hold my hands in the air, and smile at the people who pass by looking as though I was just let out of the loony bin. God may have not made me to be the most likeable, nor the most friendly, smartest, funniest, etc etc. But guess what Satan...he did make me and HE says I can be free. I am officially calling it quits. I am quitting the people who drag me down, tell me I can't or I won't...I like who I am in the private moments, but I am tired of worrying about those out in public. Who cares??? I like freedom. I don't really know what grace is, so I am going to start the journey to see what God has to say about it, after all it is His idea.
If I was Catholic, I would be all about confessing all my sins and failures to someone holy-er than me, who would then tell me tell me how many candles to light in order to make things all better. I allow myself so little grace that I believe that if I lived during the Old Testament I just might have made a new record for sacrifices offered. I would have offered anything I could have just to have a good standing with the Lord. Why on earth He allowed me to live in a period of time where freedom is so abundant, forgiveness is a free gift, and His word can be found without costing me my life is beyond me; but Ephesians 2 :10 tells me that He worked all of this out beforehand (Not me, HIM). I am so tired of being so hard on myself. I don't want to admit that I have not a clue as to what Grace means...I did however think that it would make such a pretty name for my first born, although I know very little about it.
When I first started in this journey of homeschooling, Iwas really nervous. I didn't know how in the world that this would all come together, if my child would respond to me (which if she responded to someone else and not her parent, that would not be a good thing, right??) what would people think, would I be able to stand it, and all the other could I, should I's that are swirling out there. I just knew that God said "this is the way, walk in it."(Isaiah 30:21) I didn't know I would be walking in a mile of quicksand on some days. It is not that I feel like "Oh, someone please save me, I am drowning in all of this", no it is more like "Lord, I am trusting you with my secret places, my hardships, and my insecurities, only to have them exposed more. I know this is the right path, I love it will all that I have, I am just curious if my children are really going to gain from my teaching and become world changers, or do like most of my family members and leave the nest and never look back.
Being a homeschool mom with baggage is really difficult. I feel as though I am not supposed to have a bad day, but rather jump out of bed each morning, have a three mile run while smiling through my sweat, then onto a 2 hour quiet time, etc etc. Some days I think there are moms that must have a life like a scene from Cinderella when she sweetly sings to her bird friends while starting her day.
I must say that although I question whether God really knows that I am here and sees my tears of frustrations I am reminded that He has to because my heart has changed. I no longer let anger stir in my heart when I have to get up 100 times in the middle of the night to help someone. Or I didn't run and cry when my 2 year old threw up all over my face in the middle of the night while my 5 year old lay sick as a dog too all the while my husband was out of town. Sure it was hard. Absolutely I was tired from all the clean up, fevers, and tears...but I actually felt love in the midst of it all. My heart has been like a block of ice my whole life and the Lord is using His mighty blow-torch to melt the ice away...and it's working. It's like getting the feeling back in my feet after they fall asleep and they became really numb, or when my toes un-thaw from being really cold. I can feel the tingles at the moments that I should. My heart has been numb, I have never known what it was like to feel anything.
I do have to say that this is a difficult journey for me not really knowing how to live under grace. I know how to live legalistic and guilty. Sometimes I have felt the blow-torch is getting to close to me and want it to go away...but I think I would rather have the heat than to feel nothing at all.
I have so desperately wanted to be perfect but I have only found myself to be perfectly desperate. No more...I just want to enjoy the journey and not try to map out my own destination.
If I was Catholic, I would be all about confessing all my sins and failures to someone holy-er than me, who would then tell me tell me how many candles to light in order to make things all better. I allow myself so little grace that I believe that if I lived during the Old Testament I just might have made a new record for sacrifices offered. I would have offered anything I could have just to have a good standing with the Lord. Why on earth He allowed me to live in a period of time where freedom is so abundant, forgiveness is a free gift, and His word can be found without costing me my life is beyond me; but Ephesians 2 :10 tells me that He worked all of this out beforehand (Not me, HIM). I am so tired of being so hard on myself. I don't want to admit that I have not a clue as to what Grace means...I did however think that it would make such a pretty name for my first born, although I know very little about it.
When I first started in this journey of homeschooling, Iwas really nervous. I didn't know how in the world that this would all come together, if my child would respond to me (which if she responded to someone else and not her parent, that would not be a good thing, right??) what would people think, would I be able to stand it, and all the other could I, should I's that are swirling out there. I just knew that God said "this is the way, walk in it."(Isaiah 30:21) I didn't know I would be walking in a mile of quicksand on some days. It is not that I feel like "Oh, someone please save me, I am drowning in all of this", no it is more like "Lord, I am trusting you with my secret places, my hardships, and my insecurities, only to have them exposed more. I know this is the right path, I love it will all that I have, I am just curious if my children are really going to gain from my teaching and become world changers, or do like most of my family members and leave the nest and never look back.
Being a homeschool mom with baggage is really difficult. I feel as though I am not supposed to have a bad day, but rather jump out of bed each morning, have a three mile run while smiling through my sweat, then onto a 2 hour quiet time, etc etc. Some days I think there are moms that must have a life like a scene from Cinderella when she sweetly sings to her bird friends while starting her day.
I must say that although I question whether God really knows that I am here and sees my tears of frustrations I am reminded that He has to because my heart has changed. I no longer let anger stir in my heart when I have to get up 100 times in the middle of the night to help someone. Or I didn't run and cry when my 2 year old threw up all over my face in the middle of the night while my 5 year old lay sick as a dog too all the while my husband was out of town. Sure it was hard. Absolutely I was tired from all the clean up, fevers, and tears...but I actually felt love in the midst of it all. My heart has been like a block of ice my whole life and the Lord is using His mighty blow-torch to melt the ice away...and it's working. It's like getting the feeling back in my feet after they fall asleep and they became really numb, or when my toes un-thaw from being really cold. I can feel the tingles at the moments that I should. My heart has been numb, I have never known what it was like to feel anything.
I do have to say that this is a difficult journey for me not really knowing how to live under grace. I know how to live legalistic and guilty. Sometimes I have felt the blow-torch is getting to close to me and want it to go away...but I think I would rather have the heat than to feel nothing at all.
I have so desperately wanted to be perfect but I have only found myself to be perfectly desperate. No more...I just want to enjoy the journey and not try to map out my own destination.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Struggle with the Ordinary
I struggle with being an ordinary person, always have and wonder if I always will. I want to stand out, be noticed...but not for myself, for Jesus. I am not one who really cares for fancy cars or big houses. I have tried in the past, but it didn't really do it for me because it didn't last. I want something to last, to keep me filled up daily. I can't do that with things because they will eventually run out of gas, be broken, or need to be cleaned. So I can only obtain the filling through Jesus.
I have encountered quite a problem lately. I feel that the more I pray, the more I trust, the more I study; the more I realize that I am so small and don't know half of what I thought I did and question what my standing is in what I do for the Lord.
For example: When I started Graduate School, I knew that it was by the grace of God that I even got there. Sure my grades were pretty good in my undergrad, but I didn't think they were close enough to get me a toe in the door. Then came the GRE test. UGGG!!! I was about 8 months pregnant when I took that test, and I prayed the whole way through "Lord, this is crazy. If you want me in this school, you are the one to perform a miracle here". And he did, low and behold, I was accepted. Not because of what I had done, but because he had allowed me this undeserved favor: Grace.
I went through an intense program for a little over 2 years, and lived on a very stressful and crazy schedule, all the while trying to raise a toddler and maintain a home with a husband...oh and did I mention on the verge of a possible emotional breakdown?? Needless to say I did graduate, but I don't look at it as I became an expert on anything, I felt like I knew less coming out than I did going in. I feel as though God spent thousands of dollars in order for me to not come out and change the world, but to change me. In essence he sent me to have 2 years of intensive and expensive counseling.
Now that I have put that part of my life behind me, God has moved me into a season of motherhood and homeschooling. This is the most wonderful, and joyful thing I have ever done. There have been many lonely days, hard and long days, but they only last for a time...then everyone goes to bed and wakes up to a new morning. I have struggled with not being out front and center in helping. I am a servant by nature and really want to help others, so I have struggled with being at home and only being able to do a little at a time.
I have been wrong in thinking that what I do is not "doing my part for the Lord". I had a thought this morning about this particular thing. I felt as though the Lord spoke in my heart, "Does a doctor go to work and prescribe medicine to the sick, perform surgery on a person in order to help heal them, and then go home and say to themselves Man, I wish I could help other people" Or does a dentist go everyday to his/her place of work taking care of people's teeth and say 'I wish I could help people take care of their teeth'. I know this may sound trite or may not make any sense, but what I have been saying over and over is "Lord, let me have a ministry, let me help someone, let me teach someone, let me be someone."
Just in even writing this I feel so foolish and prideful. I do these things every single day, and with my own little tribe of people that share the same DNA as me. They carry my traits, they carry parts of my personality, and I get the chance to be with them and watch how the Lord shapes them into His purpose. I do teach. I do serve. I do love. I do doctor and brush teeth. When I help to serve others, they are in tow with me doing it. I don't visit the nursing home by myself, or collect spare change and coins alone...God has provided me with His children to help refine me and walk with me on this journey. Sure I have to discipline and correct, but one day God will raise them up to continue to do the work in them.
I want my wisdom to increase so that I can do what God has called me to do and know what to do with the little ones he has entrusted to me, but sometimes it seems as though the more I go, the less I know. At this point I am learning that living in my home is less than ordinary..new things happen everyday :)
I have encountered quite a problem lately. I feel that the more I pray, the more I trust, the more I study; the more I realize that I am so small and don't know half of what I thought I did and question what my standing is in what I do for the Lord.
For example: When I started Graduate School, I knew that it was by the grace of God that I even got there. Sure my grades were pretty good in my undergrad, but I didn't think they were close enough to get me a toe in the door. Then came the GRE test. UGGG!!! I was about 8 months pregnant when I took that test, and I prayed the whole way through "Lord, this is crazy. If you want me in this school, you are the one to perform a miracle here". And he did, low and behold, I was accepted. Not because of what I had done, but because he had allowed me this undeserved favor: Grace.
I went through an intense program for a little over 2 years, and lived on a very stressful and crazy schedule, all the while trying to raise a toddler and maintain a home with a husband...oh and did I mention on the verge of a possible emotional breakdown?? Needless to say I did graduate, but I don't look at it as I became an expert on anything, I felt like I knew less coming out than I did going in. I feel as though God spent thousands of dollars in order for me to not come out and change the world, but to change me. In essence he sent me to have 2 years of intensive and expensive counseling.
Now that I have put that part of my life behind me, God has moved me into a season of motherhood and homeschooling. This is the most wonderful, and joyful thing I have ever done. There have been many lonely days, hard and long days, but they only last for a time...then everyone goes to bed and wakes up to a new morning. I have struggled with not being out front and center in helping. I am a servant by nature and really want to help others, so I have struggled with being at home and only being able to do a little at a time.
I have been wrong in thinking that what I do is not "doing my part for the Lord". I had a thought this morning about this particular thing. I felt as though the Lord spoke in my heart, "Does a doctor go to work and prescribe medicine to the sick, perform surgery on a person in order to help heal them, and then go home and say to themselves Man, I wish I could help other people" Or does a dentist go everyday to his/her place of work taking care of people's teeth and say 'I wish I could help people take care of their teeth'. I know this may sound trite or may not make any sense, but what I have been saying over and over is "Lord, let me have a ministry, let me help someone, let me teach someone, let me be someone."
Just in even writing this I feel so foolish and prideful. I do these things every single day, and with my own little tribe of people that share the same DNA as me. They carry my traits, they carry parts of my personality, and I get the chance to be with them and watch how the Lord shapes them into His purpose. I do teach. I do serve. I do love. I do doctor and brush teeth. When I help to serve others, they are in tow with me doing it. I don't visit the nursing home by myself, or collect spare change and coins alone...God has provided me with His children to help refine me and walk with me on this journey. Sure I have to discipline and correct, but one day God will raise them up to continue to do the work in them.
I want my wisdom to increase so that I can do what God has called me to do and know what to do with the little ones he has entrusted to me, but sometimes it seems as though the more I go, the less I know. At this point I am learning that living in my home is less than ordinary..new things happen everyday :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Being Grateful
Thanksgiving is my absolutely favorite holiday! I don't know what it is about Thanksgiving that I love so much, I think it has something to do with the nostalgia of the Pilgrims and doing whatever it took to find freedom to worship.
I think my attraction to this holiday is becasue I love to hear about the Pilgrims and how they litterally gave themseleves to the be obediant to God's call and follow him wholeheartldly in faith. 102 passengers crowded in a small boat, navigating thier way through very rough circumstances, sickness, death, is not exactly the way I want to suffer for the Lord, but under their circumstances I guess I would have too. One thing that always strikes me in awe is how no matter the situation, they always gave praise to God. Amazing! One commentator that I have read said that one of the sailors called them "psalm, singing, puke-stockings!" Now that is what I call faith...still having praise in the midst of vomit.
We have encountered a bit of that this week in our family, and in the midst of all of what was going on or what I was cleaning up, I was reminded of the Pilgrims faith and thanksgiving, I changed my tune. At one point when I was knee deep in it thought to myself "I would do this all over again". Strange as it may seem I am okay with staying at home and educating my children. I have never had this much contentment in my work. Trust me, there are more days than not when I question myself, raise the bar on my expectations, or think someone else would be better at what I am doing. I never thought this would become my hearts desire. I have wrestled for a long time why I am not serving Jesus in a third world country. I guess I have looked down on my faith becuase I was not doing something extravagant ( or what seems so in my mind) for the Lord.
Often times I have looked at others and thought their faith was bigger and better than mine because their call seemed so much louder than mine. Or if they don't seem to struggle with the "who is this Jesus question" like I have, I am less than worthy. I am realizing that this must be such a slap in the face to the God of the Universe who has called me to this, and I am wanting to ask Him for a refund or a do-over. This is so completely arrogant of me to think that I would have better control of which way my life should go. Did I loose Jeremiah 29:11 in my Bible??
The Pilgrims weren't looking to be noticed or seen as a somebody, they simply wanted to be free. They wanted to be free to worship, free to praise, free to follow the Lord that they had read and heard about. That is what I want as well, freedom to praise my father for the path that he has put me on. Freedom from the what might have beens, should have beens, or wasnt's.
Also, I want to be free to eat as much pumpkin pie and dressing as well!! Gobble, Gobble.
I think my attraction to this holiday is becasue I love to hear about the Pilgrims and how they litterally gave themseleves to the be obediant to God's call and follow him wholeheartldly in faith. 102 passengers crowded in a small boat, navigating thier way through very rough circumstances, sickness, death, is not exactly the way I want to suffer for the Lord, but under their circumstances I guess I would have too. One thing that always strikes me in awe is how no matter the situation, they always gave praise to God. Amazing! One commentator that I have read said that one of the sailors called them "psalm, singing, puke-stockings!" Now that is what I call faith...still having praise in the midst of vomit.
We have encountered a bit of that this week in our family, and in the midst of all of what was going on or what I was cleaning up, I was reminded of the Pilgrims faith and thanksgiving, I changed my tune. At one point when I was knee deep in it thought to myself "I would do this all over again". Strange as it may seem I am okay with staying at home and educating my children. I have never had this much contentment in my work. Trust me, there are more days than not when I question myself, raise the bar on my expectations, or think someone else would be better at what I am doing. I never thought this would become my hearts desire. I have wrestled for a long time why I am not serving Jesus in a third world country. I guess I have looked down on my faith becuase I was not doing something extravagant ( or what seems so in my mind) for the Lord.
Often times I have looked at others and thought their faith was bigger and better than mine because their call seemed so much louder than mine. Or if they don't seem to struggle with the "who is this Jesus question" like I have, I am less than worthy. I am realizing that this must be such a slap in the face to the God of the Universe who has called me to this, and I am wanting to ask Him for a refund or a do-over. This is so completely arrogant of me to think that I would have better control of which way my life should go. Did I loose Jeremiah 29:11 in my Bible??
The Pilgrims weren't looking to be noticed or seen as a somebody, they simply wanted to be free. They wanted to be free to worship, free to praise, free to follow the Lord that they had read and heard about. That is what I want as well, freedom to praise my father for the path that he has put me on. Freedom from the what might have beens, should have beens, or wasnt's.
Also, I want to be free to eat as much pumpkin pie and dressing as well!! Gobble, Gobble.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
America Has Spoken
The results are in and our new President has been elected. My heart is very heavy and very saddened. I am not saddened because it wasn't my "political party" who one, but that I have very serious questions and doubts of the man to take lead. I understand that this is history in the making, that he has just become the first African American to become President. It is not his color that I care about. It is his views, his morals, his values. The friends he has kept, the pastor that he let shepherd him, the inexperience that he has. Above all, I am mostly saddened by the fact that so many people would vote for someone who said the first thing he would do would make sure to keep abortion up and rolling. Maybe those little lives don't mean much to those people, but I can't bring myself to not be somewhat sad and angry that they are overlooked. People may say it was rape or incest but the statistics of that are sickeningly low. There are so many things that make my heart so sad about this election, but I think most of all God has been no where in it. I heard that the exit polls were asking questions to evangelical Christians and they didn't even bother to ask those questions in the New England States! My history tells me that is where the Pilgrims landed, and where they did EVERYTHING based on the word of God. Oh, how I am so sad for our country. I am so sad because there is no reverence, no love, no desire for Jesus. God is the one who puts whom he wants in office, and I know that he can change a King's heart....but what about America? Is it time for revival???
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Susan and Rosa: Will they watch glass shatter?
Well, it is no secret that today is the day to find out who will be our next President for the United States. This election has no doubt been full of excitement, frustration, anxiety, joy, and fear. We are looking at a very historical moment in the making. This election has consisted of a man who fought for our country as a young man, served 5 years as a POW. He brought a woman on his team to serve as the VP if nominated and she is no stranger to children, politics, religion, and a gun. Together, they have made history. On the other side of the party is a man whom is Bi-racial, from a Muslim background, and mirrors Martin Luther King in eloquence. He has brought much praise and a following from those who believe in what he is promising. He wants to bring change and hope, he want to provide a fresh face to Washington. He is young and doesn't have very much experience, but I guess some could argue that neither did King David when he first started out. His opponent in the primaries was a woman. She was the first woman to ever run fro President. Her husband had already been President, and now she was ready to take on trying to shatter the "Glass Ceiling". She may have not shattered it, but she was defiantly brave enough to make more cracks for future woman.
I am not a feminist, nor am I into women's lib. I don't believe that women have the choice to choose life simply because God, our creator, chose to put that life there no matter what the circumstances, or how irresponsible the woman "chose" to be. I don't believe that women should rule over men, but from the beginning God said that Eve would desire to be over Adam; so I do believe this will be something women will continue to struggle with. This idea could lead to many debates and rabbit trails b/c God did use a woman named Deborah to be a judge, and Esther who ultimately saved the Jews from being eliminated. I am going to stick with the idea of God using women and using our differences.
I read this morning about Susan B. Anthony and how she was the first woman to vote for a President in 1872 (although she was later arrested) She fought for women's rights. Women have been treated as animals in some countries. At this point in her life she was not allowed to own property nor vote. God did not create women to be treated as dogs. He created Eve beautiful, perfect in His image, and to be a helper. Adam was alone. God saw this. God had already created every kind of animal, so why was he still lonely. If all he needed was a Dog, had one...but it wasn't enough. He needed HER. he wanted towels that said "HIS" and "HERS". She was special. She walked beside him, not behind him and not in front. He was naked and so was she. It didn't say that he was naked and she had everything covered head to toe. When he covered with leaves, she did the same. They worked together.
Ugggg! I always get way off track....my point is that after reading about Susan B. Anthony and her paving the way for woman, what about Rosa Parks? She paved the way for African Americans. She was brave and proud, and was not going to stand fro segregation any longer. She got it. She knew that God did not create a female to be treated as a nobody. she knew that he created us with love and equality...in that he created us in HIS image with HIS love with HIS hands! I wonder if Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks are sitting at the edge of their seats, with their box of tissues, popcorn, and anticipating the excitement that is unveiling today. Are they sitting there together and watching in amazement at how there was a woman who almost had her chance at being the first woman in the White House, and another who has one foot in the door, and a male candidate who would bring an African American heritage to the house. The glass ceiling could quite possibly shatter tonite. When it does are Rosa and Susan going to be standing on the edge of their seats with their # 1 hand shouting "YOU GO GIRL!". Even if the female doesn't make it to the White House, I have a feeling that history has and will continue to be made. I am not sure where this election will lead, but I am proud to have been in a moment of history where I was able to stand in line with my daughter, and vote for either a man of African American heritage or a man with a woman by his side. Now that is what I call beauty.
I am not a feminist, nor am I into women's lib. I don't believe that women have the choice to choose life simply because God, our creator, chose to put that life there no matter what the circumstances, or how irresponsible the woman "chose" to be. I don't believe that women should rule over men, but from the beginning God said that Eve would desire to be over Adam; so I do believe this will be something women will continue to struggle with. This idea could lead to many debates and rabbit trails b/c God did use a woman named Deborah to be a judge, and Esther who ultimately saved the Jews from being eliminated. I am going to stick with the idea of God using women and using our differences.
I read this morning about Susan B. Anthony and how she was the first woman to vote for a President in 1872 (although she was later arrested) She fought for women's rights. Women have been treated as animals in some countries. At this point in her life she was not allowed to own property nor vote. God did not create women to be treated as dogs. He created Eve beautiful, perfect in His image, and to be a helper. Adam was alone. God saw this. God had already created every kind of animal, so why was he still lonely. If all he needed was a Dog, had one...but it wasn't enough. He needed HER. he wanted towels that said "HIS" and "HERS". She was special. She walked beside him, not behind him and not in front. He was naked and so was she. It didn't say that he was naked and she had everything covered head to toe. When he covered with leaves, she did the same. They worked together.
Ugggg! I always get way off track....my point is that after reading about Susan B. Anthony and her paving the way for woman, what about Rosa Parks? She paved the way for African Americans. She was brave and proud, and was not going to stand fro segregation any longer. She got it. She knew that God did not create a female to be treated as a nobody. she knew that he created us with love and equality...in that he created us in HIS image with HIS love with HIS hands! I wonder if Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks are sitting at the edge of their seats, with their box of tissues, popcorn, and anticipating the excitement that is unveiling today. Are they sitting there together and watching in amazement at how there was a woman who almost had her chance at being the first woman in the White House, and another who has one foot in the door, and a male candidate who would bring an African American heritage to the house. The glass ceiling could quite possibly shatter tonite. When it does are Rosa and Susan going to be standing on the edge of their seats with their # 1 hand shouting "YOU GO GIRL!". Even if the female doesn't make it to the White House, I have a feeling that history has and will continue to be made. I am not sure where this election will lead, but I am proud to have been in a moment of history where I was able to stand in line with my daughter, and vote for either a man of African American heritage or a man with a woman by his side. Now that is what I call beauty.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Trick or Treat Camping Style
Last weekend my family took a family camping trip. We went about a month ago and enjoyed it so much, we couldn't pass up the opportunity to go again while autumn is in the air. The campground we were going to had several things for the kids to participate in such as a pumpkin painting contest, costume contest, and trick or treating through the park! I am not very big on Halloween because I have always wondered if it was something I should participate in. Something about this opportunity seemed right. We had a few setbacks on the way there such as a tire that doesn't want to stay aired.
We made it safely and set up camp. The air was crisp, the sounds were quiet, and the trees were full of golden colors. I couldn't stop staring! I have also been noticing the clouds lately and I look in amazement as they seem to tell the story of God's majesty. I have always felt as though I am a nothing on this earth. God sees me, but chooses to look other ways. Well, I believe on the last trip he did something special for me that I didn't even tell my husband about b/c I wanted to keep it to myself and enjoy it without anyone else knowing. The night before we left I watched a video called "Indescribable" by Louie Giglio. It was about how the outer space and its magnificent creation. I was amazed but still trying to get passed the blue part that I could see with my eye. So, the next day while I was trying to "make" myself believe that the God of this huge universe, did see me trucking down the road to a place in the middle of backwoods country. As we traveled, there was not a cloud in the sky...pure blue. The next time I looked again, there had been a thin line of clouds crossing each other into the shape of THE CROSS! I squealed with excitement, told the kids to look out the window, and there were more and more and more! The whole way there, the sky would have a cross in it. How amazing is this God that we can call our Father!I have always envied the Israelites b/c they had a cloud to follow during day as when to move...well, sometimes I want to know when to move and when to stay; so I definitely knew that he saw me loaded down in the truck heading somewhere I had no clue as to what would transpire.
Do I digress back to the trip. We did a lot of family fun things this time such as going to a civil war fort, a place called the Homeplace which is a live working farm set back in the 1850's which was really interesting. But I think we had the most fun being at the campground and painting pumpkins, carving pumpkins, and dressing up the kids for trick or treating. Like I said before, I wasn't so sure about this T/T thing. My mother wouldn't let us do it, then we started to go to church to do it, then she let me do it one year...so I have had a bit of confusion. I am at the point now where going to trunk or treat (although is a more fun alternative) is the same thing to me as going door to door. As the kids and I went through the park receiving very good candy ( no pitiful candy in that park), I couldn't help but to be overcome with peace and contentment about where we were and what was going on. I didn't have a sense of condemnation for collecting candy while my kids were in a costume. I felt joy. I felt a love for the people that we walked by. Many it was easy to see that they didn't know the same God that wrote in the sky for me. They didn't get a sick feeling in their stomachs at the sight of something evil. They didn't stand in awe of knowing that my God, the God who created all things hidden and all things seen; knew just how many leaves had fallen and how many acorns were on the ground. I could see the emptiness or joylessness on their face, but my God could see in their heart! I question my Father way more than I should. I doubt Him immensely. I shy away from Him often when I feel rejected when I should be running to His comforting arms.
I pondered on Romans 11:33-35 the best I could and try to wrap my arms around those wonderful lines...
"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and His ways past finding out! For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has become His counselor? Or who has first given to Him and it shall be repaid to Him? For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things to whom be glory forever."
Whoa. That is all I can say. I walked through with my little Queen Esther and little mummy( well he had on a shirt that said "I Love my Mummy) and realized, "I have so missed the point so many times. How I have laid in waste and listened to lie after lie instead of my sweet creator wanting to whisper life into my ears. It was so refreshing to be able to get away from everything that pulls me away from looking to Him. It was real out there and it was simple. Once again I come back to simplicity. My heart no longer ached for politics, the computer, TV, telephone, Wal-Mart. It ached for the souls of my neighbors and family. It made me look long and hard into the blazing campfire and realize that there will be many who will be lost to that....forever. My heart weeped. It stirred fear and dread within me. It stirred a determination to go tell it to every one.
So to sum it all up, we did have setbacks that could have swung our attitudes very easily into a fight, but yet we chose to rejoice. It was a time that the Father showered us with His love a creation. My very conservative family took a vote and agreed that this was the best Halloween that we have ever had.
We made it safely and set up camp. The air was crisp, the sounds were quiet, and the trees were full of golden colors. I couldn't stop staring! I have also been noticing the clouds lately and I look in amazement as they seem to tell the story of God's majesty. I have always felt as though I am a nothing on this earth. God sees me, but chooses to look other ways. Well, I believe on the last trip he did something special for me that I didn't even tell my husband about b/c I wanted to keep it to myself and enjoy it without anyone else knowing. The night before we left I watched a video called "Indescribable" by Louie Giglio. It was about how the outer space and its magnificent creation. I was amazed but still trying to get passed the blue part that I could see with my eye. So, the next day while I was trying to "make" myself believe that the God of this huge universe, did see me trucking down the road to a place in the middle of backwoods country. As we traveled, there was not a cloud in the sky...pure blue. The next time I looked again, there had been a thin line of clouds crossing each other into the shape of THE CROSS! I squealed with excitement, told the kids to look out the window, and there were more and more and more! The whole way there, the sky would have a cross in it. How amazing is this God that we can call our Father!I have always envied the Israelites b/c they had a cloud to follow during day as when to move...well, sometimes I want to know when to move and when to stay; so I definitely knew that he saw me loaded down in the truck heading somewhere I had no clue as to what would transpire.
Do I digress back to the trip. We did a lot of family fun things this time such as going to a civil war fort, a place called the Homeplace which is a live working farm set back in the 1850's which was really interesting. But I think we had the most fun being at the campground and painting pumpkins, carving pumpkins, and dressing up the kids for trick or treating. Like I said before, I wasn't so sure about this T/T thing. My mother wouldn't let us do it, then we started to go to church to do it, then she let me do it one year...so I have had a bit of confusion. I am at the point now where going to trunk or treat (although is a more fun alternative) is the same thing to me as going door to door. As the kids and I went through the park receiving very good candy ( no pitiful candy in that park), I couldn't help but to be overcome with peace and contentment about where we were and what was going on. I didn't have a sense of condemnation for collecting candy while my kids were in a costume. I felt joy. I felt a love for the people that we walked by. Many it was easy to see that they didn't know the same God that wrote in the sky for me. They didn't get a sick feeling in their stomachs at the sight of something evil. They didn't stand in awe of knowing that my God, the God who created all things hidden and all things seen; knew just how many leaves had fallen and how many acorns were on the ground. I could see the emptiness or joylessness on their face, but my God could see in their heart! I question my Father way more than I should. I doubt Him immensely. I shy away from Him often when I feel rejected when I should be running to His comforting arms.
I pondered on Romans 11:33-35 the best I could and try to wrap my arms around those wonderful lines...
"Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and His ways past finding out! For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has become His counselor? Or who has first given to Him and it shall be repaid to Him? For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things to whom be glory forever."
Whoa. That is all I can say. I walked through with my little Queen Esther and little mummy( well he had on a shirt that said "I Love my Mummy) and realized, "I have so missed the point so many times. How I have laid in waste and listened to lie after lie instead of my sweet creator wanting to whisper life into my ears. It was so refreshing to be able to get away from everything that pulls me away from looking to Him. It was real out there and it was simple. Once again I come back to simplicity. My heart no longer ached for politics, the computer, TV, telephone, Wal-Mart. It ached for the souls of my neighbors and family. It made me look long and hard into the blazing campfire and realize that there will be many who will be lost to that....forever. My heart weeped. It stirred fear and dread within me. It stirred a determination to go tell it to every one.
So to sum it all up, we did have setbacks that could have swung our attitudes very easily into a fight, but yet we chose to rejoice. It was a time that the Father showered us with His love a creation. My very conservative family took a vote and agreed that this was the best Halloween that we have ever had.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
My Soap Box of America
I am really feeling heavy at this moment, so I thought that I would try to blog out my thoughts basically to myself because I am my only audience :) For a while now I have been having several themes in my mind that I am not sure if it from the Lord as a warning, or just a gentle reminder from him how precious our time on this earth (or this country) is. One theme I have been mulling over for a while is the 7 years of harvest and 7 years of famine, which of course took place in Joseph's time slot in the Bible. Another theme is "I am not promised tomorrow, so make today one surrendered to the Lord. A third one is "I need a will", and a 4Th one keep praying even when it doesn't feel it matters. I am very concerned for our country right now. I fact, I am very concerned for our world, nation, earth, anything that is on this planet! I don't know if the Lord is about to make a move in this time on this side of heaven, but I am really jittery in my spirit. I know that there are people that I trust that I ask about this economy and they reply that everything will be fine, it will go back to the way that it was, blah blah blah. Well, what if we have really shot ourselves in the foot this time? What if we have gotten so far away from God, that He is going to turn us over o our own lusts? I think we have gotten about as far away from Him as possible and not been regretful. I believe that we have been so over-indulgent with anything and everything we can get our hands on we are finally bringing ourselves to ruin. Are we not like the Romans in that we indulge in anything that pleases the flesh? I am not pointing any fingers without pointing 3 right back at myself.
We have known so much freedom. Freedom in our churches to worship freely. Freedom in our homes to send our children out to school or keep them at home for school. Freedom to buy and sell anything, and at one click away to someone in China! Freedom to go o Sonic and choose from 188,000 different flavors of drinks. Freedom to have as many children as we choose. Freedom to mix and marry races and social classes. Freedom for EVERYONE to receive an education and higher education is wanted. The list could go on and on. We are the Land of the Free...but for how long? Is our country about to set the stage for eternity to be ushered in? My heart leaps yes, yes, yes....but wait! There is still so much to do. So many who need to hear the word. So many who need to accept Jesus. So many who are going to be lost forever and ever and ever. My neighbors who I walk by everyday and think they don't want to talk. My postman who I only wave at and don't know what his eyes look like behind his sunglasses. The boy that runs the gas station that I ask how his school is going. Family members. Close friends. This numbs me to think about. How ashamed I am that I have selfishly spent my day thinking of 101 ways of why I drive my kids crazy. I have mulled over and over today about why they have to be such sinners and drive me crazy. Or I have let myself become weary in trying to do good. What I am afraid of is that I will be meeting Jesus face to face while wearing my sweatpants with a bottle of Windex in hand because that seemed more important at the time.
I don't know if I should start stuffing my mattress just yet, but I am afraid that we may be in for a time of famine. Maybe I should look on the bright side...when hard times hit, people hit their knees right? It has been 7 years since 9/11, and I am a little worried that the sleeping giant may be asleep again. We value Starbucks more than the millions of babies lost every year because they "weren't coming at a good time". The place where the Pilgrims landed is now home to Adam and Steve. Our schools had pride and prayer, now they have shooting and drugs. Our churches that once had revival no have the same stats of divorce rates among non church members. I could stay on this soap box all night long, but I will end because I have to teach my little ones tomorrow how to put on the armor and fight against all that is being thrown at us!
We have known so much freedom. Freedom in our churches to worship freely. Freedom in our homes to send our children out to school or keep them at home for school. Freedom to buy and sell anything, and at one click away to someone in China! Freedom to go o Sonic and choose from 188,000 different flavors of drinks. Freedom to have as many children as we choose. Freedom to mix and marry races and social classes. Freedom for EVERYONE to receive an education and higher education is wanted. The list could go on and on. We are the Land of the Free...but for how long? Is our country about to set the stage for eternity to be ushered in? My heart leaps yes, yes, yes....but wait! There is still so much to do. So many who need to hear the word. So many who need to accept Jesus. So many who are going to be lost forever and ever and ever. My neighbors who I walk by everyday and think they don't want to talk. My postman who I only wave at and don't know what his eyes look like behind his sunglasses. The boy that runs the gas station that I ask how his school is going. Family members. Close friends. This numbs me to think about. How ashamed I am that I have selfishly spent my day thinking of 101 ways of why I drive my kids crazy. I have mulled over and over today about why they have to be such sinners and drive me crazy. Or I have let myself become weary in trying to do good. What I am afraid of is that I will be meeting Jesus face to face while wearing my sweatpants with a bottle of Windex in hand because that seemed more important at the time.
I don't know if I should start stuffing my mattress just yet, but I am afraid that we may be in for a time of famine. Maybe I should look on the bright side...when hard times hit, people hit their knees right? It has been 7 years since 9/11, and I am a little worried that the sleeping giant may be asleep again. We value Starbucks more than the millions of babies lost every year because they "weren't coming at a good time". The place where the Pilgrims landed is now home to Adam and Steve. Our schools had pride and prayer, now they have shooting and drugs. Our churches that once had revival no have the same stats of divorce rates among non church members. I could stay on this soap box all night long, but I will end because I have to teach my little ones tomorrow how to put on the armor and fight against all that is being thrown at us!
This is the day the Lord has made
This week has been different for us around the house. My mother in law has been staying with me while D is away hunting. I don't like staying by myself, so I asked her to stay with me. In the past I would have to grit my teeth because both of us are very strong women who love the same man. There has always been one problem to our relationship...neither one of us wanted to be wrong, and we both wanted to have the last word. I have had to stand up to her on several occasions, but I never enjoyed it. Anytime I would confront her, the hard exterior that she showed suddenly began to soften. I began to understand that deep down I know that she wanted to like me, I just didn't know how to get to that point of grace with her. Over time, the Lord worked out so much anger and resentment in me and replaced it with patience, love, and respect! Don't get me wrong, my hair on my neck can still bristle, but it is only when I am not allowing the Lord to help me to let it go. As she left this morning, I was overwhelmed with a sense of thanksgiving that she was willing to sacrifice her comfortable bed in exchange for an unknown one. I am so overcome with supernatural love and peace because the Lord has truly done an awesome work in me to NOT be filled with so much anger against her. At this moment I would rather share the good news of our restored friendship rather than hunting down a friend to dump all my sorrows on.
When the kids and I are having a rough time, I sing a song to change the mood and bring focus back on Jesus. (If that doesn't work, we all stop and hit the floor before I hit the roof :) One thing that I waited until the very last to do in this situation was sing thanksgiving to the Lord for the people that, for reasons known to Him, He has strategically placed in my life rather than grumbling and complaining. I may never know why he put my MIL and I together, but I am defiantly a testimony that MIL's are not the worst thing that have ever happened...
Rejoice in the Lord Always and Again I say Rejoice!
This Is the Day that the Lord has Made, I will rejoice and be Glad in it!
When the kids and I are having a rough time, I sing a song to change the mood and bring focus back on Jesus. (If that doesn't work, we all stop and hit the floor before I hit the roof :) One thing that I waited until the very last to do in this situation was sing thanksgiving to the Lord for the people that, for reasons known to Him, He has strategically placed in my life rather than grumbling and complaining. I may never know why he put my MIL and I together, but I am defiantly a testimony that MIL's are not the worst thing that have ever happened...
Rejoice in the Lord Always and Again I say Rejoice!
This Is the Day that the Lord has Made, I will rejoice and be Glad in it!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
A few days ago a precious friend sent me a note of encouragement and asked how she could pray for me. Well, I quickly knew what I wanted to say because it has been weighing so heavily on me for a while now and I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out if I should be praying for that specific thing or not. You see, I have been mulling over some thoughts in my mind and wondering if they are God's will for me or my will. I have been allowing myself to get caught in the trap of is this from me or from God? I am afraid that he doesn't hear me. I am afraid that he doesn't see me. I am afraid that he will ignore any request that I have or any desire that may be in my heart. I have always yearned so deeply to sit at His feet, but I have never felt like He wants me at His feet. Maybe he will hear what I have to say, but maybe my thoughts are selfish and stupid. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Can you sense the frustration? I have felt my entire life that I was the biggest waste of space, and constantly in the way. I was a natural dreamer as a child, but I was left to feel that was all they were...dreams. They would never come true, why should my dreams come true for me when they didn't come true for anyone else in my family. I was ignored alot and left to find my own path in life. I was given the responsibility to make my own choices and figure out what I was to do in a situation. I am thankful that the Lord scooped me up in His hands like a wounded baby bird and held me, but I of course jumped out of His hands to find my own way which only equals to regrets. Because I was left to make my own choices it has left me with the disability of questioning everything I do. I am trying so hard to get it right with the Lord, I just want to make sure that I am not messing anything up or leaving anything out. This is really quite pathetic to say the least. I am a last born, but have first born tendencies...go figure!
My family is highly dysfunctional. I know most families are, but mine has the hidden subtleties of being dysfunctional. You don't' see it until you have been around for a little while, and then before you know it, you don't see it anymore, and you become like the rest. I love my family, but there is one thing that has always trailed me, and pinched my nerve and that is lack of faith and hope. I am not the only one who was ignored. I am not the only one who lived with siblings who were treated as celebrities. I am not the only one who stood by every one's side only to be overlooked. I am not the only one who's hopes and dreams were crushed by critical spirits. They were too. They were just passing down what they had learned...or not learned. They had decided to hang onto their ashes instead of trading them for beauty. They had decided not to worship.
I reading 2 Samuel 13, where Tamar is raped by her brother Amnon,I have drawn many applications but one really stood out to me the most. The bible says that she lived with her brother and was a desolate woman. She gave up. She let life pass her by. She lived in the arms of her tragedy and not her Lord. If she worshipped before, did she after? My guess would be most likely not. Or if she did it was it in the comforts of her brother's home, not a family of her own? I have such sorrow for Tamar and all the others who don't choose to worship. I am right there with them at times. When I am feeling vulnerable or beaten by the world, my familiar tendencies to resort right back to the desolate places happen. I am going to have to refuse to be desolate, and choose to worship. I am going to have to get rid of the lies that God doesn't delight in me. He knows the plans he has for me, he knows the desires of my heart, he knows how it all will work out, but the question is...will I wait for Him in worship for his reply?
Worship. What does this word mean anyways? I have heard it countless times, but wasn't so sure as to what it really meant.
The Vine's Dictionary defines Worship this way: prostrate oneself, bow down. oh my goodness, did I about do a back flip. I am sure that I have heard this before, but it was not registering in my brain as though it had been there before!
When I am dry, I need worship. (bow down)
When I am hungry, I need worship (bow down)
When I am lonely, I need worship (bow down)
When I am scared, I need worship (bow down)
When I am beaten, I need worship (bow down)
When I am rejected, I need worship (bow down)
When I am prideful, I need worship
When I am broken, I need worship
When I am arrogant, I need worship
When I am defeated, I need worship
When I am angry, I need worship
When I am anxious, I need worship
When I am jealous, I need worship
When I am wrong, i need worship
In laughter, I find worship (the Lord)
In song, I find worship (the Lord)
In forgiveness, I find worship (the Lord)
In friendship, I find worship
In hospitality, I find worship
In love, I find worship
In prayer, I find worship
In serving, I find worship
In resting, I find worship
Just a few more ramblings from the hammock....
My family is highly dysfunctional. I know most families are, but mine has the hidden subtleties of being dysfunctional. You don't' see it until you have been around for a little while, and then before you know it, you don't see it anymore, and you become like the rest. I love my family, but there is one thing that has always trailed me, and pinched my nerve and that is lack of faith and hope. I am not the only one who was ignored. I am not the only one who lived with siblings who were treated as celebrities. I am not the only one who stood by every one's side only to be overlooked. I am not the only one who's hopes and dreams were crushed by critical spirits. They were too. They were just passing down what they had learned...or not learned. They had decided to hang onto their ashes instead of trading them for beauty. They had decided not to worship.
I reading 2 Samuel 13, where Tamar is raped by her brother Amnon,I have drawn many applications but one really stood out to me the most. The bible says that she lived with her brother and was a desolate woman. She gave up. She let life pass her by. She lived in the arms of her tragedy and not her Lord. If she worshipped before, did she after? My guess would be most likely not. Or if she did it was it in the comforts of her brother's home, not a family of her own? I have such sorrow for Tamar and all the others who don't choose to worship. I am right there with them at times. When I am feeling vulnerable or beaten by the world, my familiar tendencies to resort right back to the desolate places happen. I am going to have to refuse to be desolate, and choose to worship. I am going to have to get rid of the lies that God doesn't delight in me. He knows the plans he has for me, he knows the desires of my heart, he knows how it all will work out, but the question is...will I wait for Him in worship for his reply?
Worship. What does this word mean anyways? I have heard it countless times, but wasn't so sure as to what it really meant.
The Vine's Dictionary defines Worship this way: prostrate oneself, bow down. oh my goodness, did I about do a back flip. I am sure that I have heard this before, but it was not registering in my brain as though it had been there before!
When I am dry, I need worship. (bow down)
When I am hungry, I need worship (bow down)
When I am lonely, I need worship (bow down)
When I am scared, I need worship (bow down)
When I am beaten, I need worship (bow down)
When I am rejected, I need worship (bow down)
When I am prideful, I need worship
When I am broken, I need worship
When I am arrogant, I need worship
When I am defeated, I need worship
When I am angry, I need worship
When I am anxious, I need worship
When I am jealous, I need worship
When I am wrong, i need worship
In laughter, I find worship (the Lord)
In song, I find worship (the Lord)
In forgiveness, I find worship (the Lord)
In friendship, I find worship
In hospitality, I find worship
In love, I find worship
In prayer, I find worship
In serving, I find worship
In resting, I find worship
Just a few more ramblings from the hammock....
Saturday, October 11, 2008
All day today I have been battling the war of "I can't say anything without effecting someone". All day no matter what I say, I am the one to blame, have to take responsibility for everything, etc. This is impossible. Being a mother is almost impossible. I am reminded more and more that what I say and how I say it will be weighed by a very intelligent kindergartner and toddler. Why is it that I can't seem to have a bad moment? If I become frustrated and let out disappointment, and notice that I have hurt someones feelings, why is it me that is always apologizing? I am learning to be careful and not let my anger rise up and take control. I have learned to hold my tongue when I want to let it spew. I have also found ways to find the positive rather than the negative, but I still fell like the whole tone of the house rests on me. Why can't I just be allowed to make mistakes and not feel like my choice will send my children running for the hills at age 18 to join a cult? I have tired so hard to not be like the generations set before me, and I think I have done pretty well so far. I am not even close to perfection...which I don't have to be. :) I am however tired of feeling like I am always under the microscope and any false move it will be detrimental to my children some how. I fear that I am tired and frustrated with myself therefore I will rub off on my kids that I am dissatisfied in someway, leading to a disorder of some kind down the road. Ugghhh....I guess I think too much and get no where but here blogging about my worries. Maybe I need to relax and just live it all out, let the Lord work it out and apologize for anything that I couldn't and shouldn't have done.
My Tribute for the Not so Perfect Mom:
I am sorry kids that I once tried to uphold the standards for myself of being perfect, but I perfectly failed. I have not always been a happy camper about my mommy duties and I think you have known...well, I am positive that you have. It has been hard to change diapers all day long, tend to endless dishes, meals, schoolwork, fighting, scrapes, interrupted bathroom breaks and many other chores of a mom. I am sorry if I have ignored you, didn't encourage you when you really needed it, didn't hear what you were really trying to say and most importantly teaching you any disrespect for your father. Please understand that I am learning as you go. I am learning just as my parents and grandparents did as they went along...praise the Lord that I haven't given up on you or me. Well, I could spend more time saying what I haven't done right, but all I can say is thank the Lord for forgiveness and new mercies every morning. As your mommy, I have done the best I could with the best tools that I have: the bible and much prayer. Thank you for enduring me as your mother, and thank you for letting me give you all my love.
My Tribute for the Not so Perfect Mom:
I am sorry kids that I once tried to uphold the standards for myself of being perfect, but I perfectly failed. I have not always been a happy camper about my mommy duties and I think you have known...well, I am positive that you have. It has been hard to change diapers all day long, tend to endless dishes, meals, schoolwork, fighting, scrapes, interrupted bathroom breaks and many other chores of a mom. I am sorry if I have ignored you, didn't encourage you when you really needed it, didn't hear what you were really trying to say and most importantly teaching you any disrespect for your father. Please understand that I am learning as you go. I am learning just as my parents and grandparents did as they went along...praise the Lord that I haven't given up on you or me. Well, I could spend more time saying what I haven't done right, but all I can say is thank the Lord for forgiveness and new mercies every morning. As your mommy, I have done the best I could with the best tools that I have: the bible and much prayer. Thank you for enduring me as your mother, and thank you for letting me give you all my love.
Monday, October 6, 2008
No Comparison
I am tired. I am weary. I am keeping the faith as best as I can, and trying to keep on doing good and know that someday I will reap a harvest. I don't know if I am totally believing with all of my heart just yet, but I think it is just the crust in the corner of my eye that is keeping me from seeing the light. I went through my college career as newlywed, went through Graduate school (counseling program no less) with a toddler at home. Everyone thought I was crazy, lost it, completely nuts...but I knew God called me to it, so he would bring me through it...and He did. I didn't think that I would survive all that I did, but I am still here typing away. I had many weary nights, many tears, many fights, but He still held me up and told me to keep going, that I could do it. I knew I had to obey. I knew that one day there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. That light did come and 4 weeks later my next child came as well. Now I am here without a paying job. I have no benefits or paid vacation. I am more tired, more confused, but more joyful. I don't know how to explain it, but all I can say is there is a deep peace that runs in my soul. I have never been so content. I have never known that something is so right. I know that as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning all hell could break loose, but this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it! He has called me to something that i would never have called myself to. All the naysayers congratulated me when I graduated from Graduate school. Then they quickly recanted when we said we were homeschooling. I guess when my kids win a Pulitzer prize or a gold medal in the Olympics then they will understand. It doesn't really matter to me what my kids grow up be, all I pray for them is that they follow God's plan. His plans don't always make sense at the time, but his ways are perfect. I don't' know why he chose us to teach our own children, but He does. I am trusting Him to help me when I am so tired I can't recall a simple fact because this is where He wants me.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Missed Opportunity
Yesterday was my 10 year high school reunion. Did I go you ask?? No, unfortunately I didn't. I was wishy-washy about going up until the end and my friend really wanted me to go, so I said that I would. I sent my money in to reserve a plate, but then a few days before, the lunch was cancelled and they were only going to be getting together. Well, I knew that that was not going to fly for my family. 2 small children, old pictures and movies were not going to go very well. Plus, I had an old friend who was having a baby shower that same day, so I opted not to go. I felt a little torn about going. On one hand I really didn't care anything about going because I literally have not seen those people since high school, so I really feel like they were strangers. On the other hand wanted to say "I am sorry for all the grief that I had caused you back then", but I missed the opportunity. I don't know if the Lord was prompting me to go to make amends, ask forgiveness, or if it was the enemy's way of persuading me to go only to find myself back in a pit like back then. I will probably never know, but a part of me really wanted to face them. Who you ask? The girls who were supposed to be my best friends, but really our friendship only ran through the gossip mill. We were teenagers who were rebellious and full of mischief. We fought constantly but then quickly made up. I don't blame them for everything that happened because I felt like the ringleader, the master of gossip and destruction. then enemy knew how to push my buttons in order to push theirs. I am so regretful for how I treated anyone back then, and I have never seen any of them to say that I was wrong. I don't know if I am relieved that I didn't go or not. How do I know that they would have been happy to see me? How do I know that they would have received what I said? All I know is that I feel really disappointed right now, and maybe that is how I am supposed to feel on a missed opportunity. An opportunity to make things right. An opportunity to say "Hey, see how the Lord has changed me! Can you believe it!" Only the Lord takes trash and makes something new with it. Who would have thought I could have ever been anything other than what I was! It is not that I have accomplished some great feat or invented something, or even the most successful. No, I am just the average home school mom, who still has dishes to wash and diapers to change; but I am different. I can feel regret about this forever, but instead I am going to choose that maybe the Lord shielded me on this one. I have prayed in the past for their forgiveness, maybe my time will come again.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Trying to Cut and Run
I have been reading a book titles "A Mom Just Like You" written by Vickie Farris a homeschooling mother of 10 children. When I first read the title I thought "oh wonderful, someone I can relate to", until I saw the 10 children part. It is actually one of the best books I have ever read. It is very practical and encouraging and at times convicting. In her chapter titled "When do I get a coffee break" she talks about dying to self and doing the will of the Lord with a servants attitude. I selfishly turned to this chapter in hopes to find someone telling me "hey girl, you deserve to go get your nails done and get a great new outfit! You have worked so hard with the kids and put up with so much". But that is not what I found, I found the opposite. She quotes Mark8: 34-36 where Jesus says "If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall loose it; but whoever looses his life for My sake and the gospel's shall save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?" Whoa!! I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting sympathy, pity for my hard work and no return for the appreciation. Instead I hear, "If you want to be my disciple, pick up your cross and follow me. I don't hear Jesus saying that we can't ever take a break for ourselves or that I can't go get my nails done..but I have agreed to follow him and sometimes the journey is long a tough. Yesterday I didn't know it as I do today, but I was trying to lay down my cross and forfeit God's plan to gain for myself. I had a rough day with the children. They didn't play well with others which embarrassed me because I felt that it was reflecting on who I was as a person. I reacted to the situation and didn't look at the issue of their heart...only mine. I looked at how it embarrassed me, how if they can't respect me or others maybe they needed to be with other children in school so they would learn the hard way. Maybe their teacher's would be able to teach them better than I have because they are obviously not learning squat from me other than to react to a situation, drink unhealthy drinks such as coffee and coke, and to lecture. I was quick to speak and quick to anger. Doesn't the bible say to be slow to both of those things? After mulling over how fast can I put the school phone number in the phone and get tour of the school, my heart was sinking because I knew I was letting the enemy get to me. In my mind I knew that life would "seem" to be easier if I could send them to school, have a job cleaning houses ( I like to clean other people's houses...I know it's weird), have more time to volunteer, clean my own house, grocery shop, etc life would be so much happier. The kids would be happier, less stress, and have daily friends.
But then I read this chapter, and there it staring back at me. I have now realized that I have not only tried to lay down my cross, but I feel that I have sinned against God. I have in my actions and in my heart said "Guess what, this ain't workin' for me..so I am going to do what I want to do now." Isn't there scripture about a man making plans for himself, but the Lord is the one who really guides his steps?? OK, so now I have moved from frustration into rebellion. You may be saying "I don't see how you rebelled, you didn't do anything wrong." Your right, I didn't on the outside...but I did on the inside. God is a searcher of hearts. He knows our motives because He sees into our hearts. He saw the rebellion clouding up my once happy and perky obedience to do this wild ride. But now he sees that I am trying to get out of the car and find my own car. My favorite verse is 1 Chronicles 28: 9, "acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, For the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek Him He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, he will reject you forever." He knows what I am thinking or what my motives are before I do. He sees them all. It may have taken me 12 hours to figure this out, but he knew instantly. Why? because he is my maker. He is the potter I am the clay. He is the doll maker, I am the doll. He knows my ins and outs. he knows my fear and anxieties. Does it surprise him? NO! He knows my weaknesses and weariness. Does He think I can do this? Obviously because this is where he brought me to. 5 years ago, I was planning on being a stay at home mom until Emily started school. She was going to go the the cute private school down from where I was going to have my cute counseling office. Did any of that happen? It did for a short time until the Lord put a spark in our hearts to travel this path. I had plans, but so did he. Am I resentful? No, because this way has been the sweeter path. This way has provided more joy and peace than I ever thought possible. I only think I miss the other path when I let my light go out and I can't see where I am going. The Lord says " Thy word is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path." I have to admit, I have let my light slowly go out on the path because I have been sleeping in and missing my time with Him in the morning. Is he angry with me? No. Is He going to turn His back? No. I am the one who has been letting the light get dimmer and dimmer therefore leading to what I described up above.
Lord, forgive my rebellious heart. It may not seem like a huge rebellious act to someone on the outside, but i know that my peace has been snuffed out. Thank you for reminding me to not let my light burn out, nor lay down my cross. I pray that you help me to have a willing heart to do what you have called me to do. Thank you for the ride.
But then I read this chapter, and there it staring back at me. I have now realized that I have not only tried to lay down my cross, but I feel that I have sinned against God. I have in my actions and in my heart said "Guess what, this ain't workin' for me..so I am going to do what I want to do now." Isn't there scripture about a man making plans for himself, but the Lord is the one who really guides his steps?? OK, so now I have moved from frustration into rebellion. You may be saying "I don't see how you rebelled, you didn't do anything wrong." Your right, I didn't on the outside...but I did on the inside. God is a searcher of hearts. He knows our motives because He sees into our hearts. He saw the rebellion clouding up my once happy and perky obedience to do this wild ride. But now he sees that I am trying to get out of the car and find my own car. My favorite verse is 1 Chronicles 28: 9, "acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, For the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek Him He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, he will reject you forever." He knows what I am thinking or what my motives are before I do. He sees them all. It may have taken me 12 hours to figure this out, but he knew instantly. Why? because he is my maker. He is the potter I am the clay. He is the doll maker, I am the doll. He knows my ins and outs. he knows my fear and anxieties. Does it surprise him? NO! He knows my weaknesses and weariness. Does He think I can do this? Obviously because this is where he brought me to. 5 years ago, I was planning on being a stay at home mom until Emily started school. She was going to go the the cute private school down from where I was going to have my cute counseling office. Did any of that happen? It did for a short time until the Lord put a spark in our hearts to travel this path. I had plans, but so did he. Am I resentful? No, because this way has been the sweeter path. This way has provided more joy and peace than I ever thought possible. I only think I miss the other path when I let my light go out and I can't see where I am going. The Lord says " Thy word is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path." I have to admit, I have let my light slowly go out on the path because I have been sleeping in and missing my time with Him in the morning. Is he angry with me? No. Is He going to turn His back? No. I am the one who has been letting the light get dimmer and dimmer therefore leading to what I described up above.
Lord, forgive my rebellious heart. It may not seem like a huge rebellious act to someone on the outside, but i know that my peace has been snuffed out. Thank you for reminding me to not let my light burn out, nor lay down my cross. I pray that you help me to have a willing heart to do what you have called me to do. Thank you for the ride.
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