I am giving up. I am resigning my life as one lived as a Pharisee. I can no longer live under my laws, my rules, and my principles. I am done. There is too much in me that wants to sing in the car out loud, hold my hands in the air, and smile at the people who pass by looking as though I was just let out of the loony bin. God may have not made me to be the most likeable, nor the most friendly, smartest, funniest, etc etc. But guess what Satan...he did make me and HE says I can be free. I am officially calling it quits. I am quitting the people who drag me down, tell me I can't or I won't...I like who I am in the private moments, but I am tired of worrying about those out in public. Who cares??? I like freedom. I don't really know what grace is, so I am going to start the journey to see what God has to say about it, after all it is His idea.
If I was Catholic, I would be all about confessing all my sins and failures to someone holy-er than me, who would then tell me tell me how many candles to light in order to make things all better. I allow myself so little grace that I believe that if I lived during the Old Testament I just might have made a new record for sacrifices offered. I would have offered anything I could have just to have a good standing with the Lord. Why on earth He allowed me to live in a period of time where freedom is so abundant, forgiveness is a free gift, and His word can be found without costing me my life is beyond me; but Ephesians 2 :10 tells me that He worked all of this out beforehand (Not me, HIM). I am so tired of being so hard on myself. I don't want to admit that I have not a clue as to what Grace means...I did however think that it would make such a pretty name for my first born, although I know very little about it.
When I first started in this journey of homeschooling, Iwas really nervous. I didn't know how in the world that this would all come together, if my child would respond to me (which if she responded to someone else and not her parent, that would not be a good thing, right??) what would people think, would I be able to stand it, and all the other could I, should I's that are swirling out there. I just knew that God said "this is the way, walk in it."(Isaiah 30:21) I didn't know I would be walking in a mile of quicksand on some days. It is not that I feel like "Oh, someone please save me, I am drowning in all of this", no it is more like "Lord, I am trusting you with my secret places, my hardships, and my insecurities, only to have them exposed more. I know this is the right path, I love it will all that I have, I am just curious if my children are really going to gain from my teaching and become world changers, or do like most of my family members and leave the nest and never look back.
Being a homeschool mom with baggage is really difficult. I feel as though I am not supposed to have a bad day, but rather jump out of bed each morning, have a three mile run while smiling through my sweat, then onto a 2 hour quiet time, etc etc. Some days I think there are moms that must have a life like a scene from Cinderella when she sweetly sings to her bird friends while starting her day.
I must say that although I question whether God really knows that I am here and sees my tears of frustrations I am reminded that He has to because my heart has changed. I no longer let anger stir in my heart when I have to get up 100 times in the middle of the night to help someone. Or I didn't run and cry when my 2 year old threw up all over my face in the middle of the night while my 5 year old lay sick as a dog too all the while my husband was out of town. Sure it was hard. Absolutely I was tired from all the clean up, fevers, and tears...but I actually felt love in the midst of it all. My heart has been like a block of ice my whole life and the Lord is using His mighty blow-torch to melt the ice away...and it's working. It's like getting the feeling back in my feet after they fall asleep and they became really numb, or when my toes un-thaw from being really cold. I can feel the tingles at the moments that I should. My heart has been numb, I have never known what it was like to feel anything.
I do have to say that this is a difficult journey for me not really knowing how to live under grace. I know how to live legalistic and guilty. Sometimes I have felt the blow-torch is getting to close to me and want it to go away...but I think I would rather have the heat than to feel nothing at all.
I have so desperately wanted to be perfect but I have only found myself to be perfectly desperate. No more...I just want to enjoy the journey and not try to map out my own destination.
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leanne.. this is great writing. Thanks for being so honest and vunerable!~ I am quite excited to see you on the jounrey towards learning more about grace. IT's funny because I had no concept of grace really until coming to nepal. i see people all over tryin to earn the favor of their gods and i realized that I treated the God of grace just the same as that, as if ringing a bell would earn His favor (ringing the bell of good works!) Then when I got to the pressure cooker of life in nepal I saw soo much sin in my life that I avoided in america. I encountered so much of God's grace in those moments. He did not expect me to be perfect super jen.. he just expected me to be HIS. Still daily learing that! praying for you
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