The Wood Shed

This past week I have been down with an intestinal virus...aka...stomach bug! It has been horrible. I only recall being this sick one other time and I was 5 month pregnant with Jacob. At least I was fortunate enough to be able to make the kids their breakfast and lunch, and my husband did the rest when he came home from work. I have had a hard week not only physically, but spiritually as well. Nothing like internal sickness to realize how spiritually sick I am as well.

I had much planned this week for school, church, and homeschool/church friends. We had a wonderful Christmas party planned for the kids that are HS'ing as well, that are also apart of our church. We were all looking forward to it, but then I got sick and we had to cancel. That same day was the day to turn in the cookies for the Jail Ministry at church and they needed 450 dozen. I had some already baked and in the freezer, but it wasn't nearly what I had hoped to do. As for school...well, my kids have been getting their education this week from Tom and Jerry, Dora, Diego, The Backyardigans, and any other cartoon that came on. This did not leave me the least bit impressed, but there was nothing that I could do. I did manage to do a little something with Emily when I was able to not run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I could have called my mother-in-law to help, but I didn't want her to catch what I had, so I toughed it out. I am not a superhero to say the least. In fact, I have felt helpless. At one point I didn't know weather to laugh or cry when my kids were eating apples before I could get up the stairs to get them their breakfast :(

I am not saying all of this to be so sadly pathetic. I am disappointed that I was unable to read my bible like I normally did, and I could recall scriptures, but I didn't want to. Frankly, I am weary of the same trials. I just want to move on with my little school and not face all of the should haves would haves...

This week I have had to face my lack of faith and worship. When the going gets tough, I can handle it. But when the going keeps entering into the deep places of my heart that I am tired of being exposed, I break down like a child. I don't want my sin exposed...who does? I don't want to deal with my pride or selfish nature..who does? I am OK with what I am doing until God takes me back to the places that I don't want to see anymore. I am going to be honest and say that after all of this exposure I have felt abandoned and embarrassed. I don't seem to know anyone else who struggles with the same things. It is not a lack of faith for me, but rather a lack of respect. I am not respecting where God has brought me too, nor am I respecting the task at hand. I hate the feeling of being broken in fellowship. I hate the feeling of being separated from him. Most of all, I hate the feeling of always being "taken to the wood shed." I am wasting my time of being disciplined rather than staying the course of obedience. I repent of that last thing in my life that I hold onto and won't let him have. Do you know what happens when I play with fire? Everybody in my home gets burned. It begins with me and they don't know. But then my attitude changes and then it trickles down to all. All I know is that even though I don't get it all what I am supposed to get, I have got to hang on the garment of Jesus if I want to keep this ship afloat.