If anyone who knows me well knows that I am evolving from a rebellious self-indulgent female into a simple and boring female. I used to care what I looked like when out in public. I spent more time thinking about what others thought about the way I looked more than caring about whether or not I was going to actually get into a college. Of course as time has moved on, so have I and I am seeing the "light" that life is so much sweeter in the simple life. I am probably seen as boring because I don't understand all of the latest technology or have the most recent fashions. I of course would like to have different outfits that I felt good in and that I didn't have to buy that are a few sizes bigger than what I had in the past. As our family has changed, so has our budget and perspectives. I want my children to look presentable and feel good about who they are, but not through clothes. I know there will be a point where I can't get away with Wal-mart clothing only, but at least we can enjoy the simpleness of it now. I don't want to be someone who has to wear a dress that covers from head to toe and never be able to wear my hair down, but I certainly don't want to be defined by what I look like. Why do we do that? Who really cares? I have been there done that and I know for a fact that it feels more freeing to be myself in something that I didn't have to buy on credit to have that I can't pay back. Which brings me to my next point.

I wonder how the pilgrims would respond to the turmoil that we have managed to get ourselves into. Think about it. Through uncertainty, grief, loss, sickness, hardship, etc.. they still followed the call of the Lord. They knew He was going to guide them no matter what the cost. Anytime they faced a trial or triumph, they sang in praise to the Lord. It is my personal opinion that our country is so blessed as it is because of the men and women that sacrificed and kept the faith all for the Lord. When did our values change? When did we decide instead of God guiding and protecting we wanted Him to bow out and we could take it from here? Who decided that our children would be taught sex education in Kindergarten, what having 2 daddies or mommies mean, and that the business of pornography is "OK"??How in the world did we skew so far from the foundation that the Pilgrims trekked for, or what our fore fathers fought for? I say all of this because I am certainly not all together, but I have been on both sides of the story where I chose to either follow my selfish desires or follow the Lord. I think you know which one I have chosen at this point, and it the Lord doesn't encourage me to purchase a new Chanel bag...

Simplicity from Camping...sort of.

This past weekend my family and I packed up took a road trip a few hours away and went camping! It was wonderful. D's friend took his pop-up and went so the guys could hunt. This is usually there time for hunting, but this time my husband thought it would be fun for us to go. The weather was perfect, the leaves were falling, the coffee was brewing, and the bees were humming. Life was good. I was able to make from scratch chocolate chip cookies outside, homemade chicken noodle soup, and sandwiches. I was the only female, so I provided the food at all times. It was really tiring, but so rewarding. The kids and took nature walks, and played. My only regret is that I wish I had played a little more instead of worrying about all the "doing" that was going on. If I could do it again, I think I would have enjoyed them more instead of trying to steal every second for myself in wanting to read or listen to something on the radio. One thing that was nice was the fact that there was no telephones or television. We had to walk to get our water and pour water in the toilet so we could flush it. Life was good. I found myself trying to find the Lord in all of it, and was becoming so frustrated, but I think it was because he was already there. He was there in the wind blowing. He was there in the falling leaves, he was there in the chirping birds and humming bees. He was there in the laughter of my children and the friendly conversation of family and friends. I hate when I have to learn these lessons after the fact...well, I am still growing and no perfection will come until it is all said and done.

I don't know what it is about simplicity that I crave, maybe because I am complicated and Jesus was simple. His message is simple, I make it confusing. He said Love, and then love some more. Forgive, have joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. How hard is that?? Well, it is pretty hard when you are someone like me and want to question everything, debate everything, opionate everything, test everything...do you see where this is going? My point is, Jesus is simplicity. Out of simplicity comes peace. Out of peace some joy, kindness, gentleness, and so on. The next time we go camping I am going to take 1 book along withe the bible, not 3; 1 CD not not 20. I will still enjoy long walks with the kids, but maybe a little more attentive.

I don't think it gets any better than that!

The art of listening...or not??

Have you ever noticed how nice it is to talk to someone who genuinely listens to you when you talk. They hang on to every word as if you are the most important person to them? Or how good it feels when someone uses your name when talking to you, or even remembering your name when you have met them only once or twice before? I am typically not one of those people. I come from a line of non-listeners. My family wants you to hurry up, get to the point, so we can interject our opinions and then tell you something about our self. We are pretty self-centered in my opinion (they may completely disagree). I don't think that we don't want to listen, it's just that we haven't had anyone listen to us so we want our turn to talk. My family are talkers by nature, the problem is we talk but no one listens. It is pretty common to feel unvalidated, not heard, nor understood. Lately, I have been finding out that I am not very good at socialization. I do okay for a little while, because most people want to know the basics about one another. The problem for me comes when the conversation needs to move to the next level, I began to freeze. Maybe I ask to many questions. Maybe I seem to judgemental. Maybe I seem to boastful or prideful, or maybe my self-esteem seems in the toilet. Maybe I come across as too needy, talkie, or just plain boring. Whatever it is, I am having a really hard time finding myself in social situations to talk to others. I have a masters in counseling, and I managed to not pick up that I am supposed to "LISTEN" to others. I was too wrapped up in how I appeared, if I was doing a good job, or if I knew how to fix the problem". I am hoping that before I die I will be able to have a conversation with at least one person to where I actually listened to someone as Jesus would and not try to dissect the situation, but rather offer a kind ear and not feel guilty for not having the answer. I would be so happy to finally feel free from this bondage of appearing like a backwards hillbilly in Times Square.

There is a Season

For some reason when I come to blog, I think I somehow have an audience out there that really reads this, but sadly, that is not the case. The only one who knows anything about what I read is God and my husband (but that is only if I read it to him; I don't have to read it to God b/c he already read it on my heart). So, since I am the only one here today, I guess I will go ahead and say my what is on my heart to the Lord b/c he is the only one who REALLY cares and knows how to fix it. Sometimes it still feels lonely to write this out, even as a prayer b/c I still receive no audible feedback. I guess that is where my need for approval comes in...I am an approval addict! So here goes:

Lord, for the past few years I feel like there has been this theme that I can't seem to shake. It follows me in my sleep, in my devotionals, through messages on the radio, songs, TV, and any other form of communication :DEATH. Oh, how I hate to even put it, but I can't seem to talk to anyone about this subject b/c no one wants to talk about it. I know there is a season to everything, but for some reason I don't' want to face this season. I don't know where this fear comes from. I fear leaving my family. I fear missing out on watching them grow. I fear missing out growing old with D. I fear seeing the world change. I fear what it will be like on the other side. Will I miss them? Will I be sad that they are here on earth? What will I do there? Will I be counting down until they join me? So many questions, and it is driving me crazy. Will it happen b/c I have been obedient so long that this is my punishment? Will it happen in order for God's plan to be pushed forward. Will it happen in order for someone to be brought to Christ? I don't fear where I will go, I just fear the where, when,why, and how. I should not put my trust in anything other than the Lord, but I am really frustrated that this is a common them in my life right now. Is the Lord trying to tell me something or teach me something? Either way, the question is...how will I respond, in obedience or anger?

I am having one of those days to where I feel like I have a million and one things to do, and none of it is going to get done the way I have it all planned out in my mind. Of course I am always battling making a grocery list, menu, budget, house cleaning list, school planning, laundry, etc. Of course I have it in my mind how I want it to turn out, but I feel like I am always falling short or just "getting by". I hate that feeling. I like to be prepared and organized. I like t know what is going to happen next, so I won't be running around wasting time looking for something. Well, when I do believe that the Lord doesn't want me to be unorganized, I don't think he intended me to have unrealistic expectations. I wish I could sit back and take one day at a time, but I want to be prepared for the next day. Maybe my need for this is because I want to count my cost of everything and not come up short. I don't want my kids to be shorted on something so no one can say "I told you so." Whether it is from my lack of being unprepared growing up (I never had my homework ready to turn in), or it is the Lord prompting me to be prepared, I wish I could relax and enjoy my time with my family. I think I am very fearful of being accused of being less than what I am. I am afraid to be called a failure.

But I know that God has not called me a failure, nor to be perfect.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power,and of love, and of soul and mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Is the grass greener?

I know the cliche "the grass is greener on the other side", and I have personally lived this one out my whole life. I have always looked at what others have and wished either I had it, or maybe I would like to try what they are doing. Some may argue that I am only trying to figure out who I am, others may say I must have been so traumatized as a child I don't know my identity. I say that this is what the bible calls "jealousy and envy, and coveting". Aren't those things that the Lord looks at as sins?? Well, that may seem extreme to most, but to me I feel it deep in my soul when I look at what others have and feel discontentment. I start feeling sorry for myself for what I don't have, or who hurt my feelings as a child. Yes, there are things that did turn out the way I would have wanted them to growing up, but I know better than to want what someone else has.

Now as a homeschooling mother, it is so easy to get caught in the trap of thinking what I do is boring, hopeless, useless, tiring, mundane, blah blah, blah. I have thought it seems so glamorous to get up in the morning, have my morning coffee with other women where we can share what is on our minds. At lunch I can either share it with friends or run to the mall. I would be child-free, housework-free, the puppy-eating-everything free, and same old bologna-cheese sandwich free. I could hire a housekeeper. I could actually read the news paper and know what is going on in the world. I could do this if I really wanted to, but I know that my purpose at this point in my life is not those things...and I am thankful for that. My husband and I feel that we really are called to home school. This has been a scary faith walk, but there has been so much richness deep down. I feel like I know my children like the back of my hand, and when I feel like I don't; I have all day to figure it out. I don't have to worry about someone stealing my hugs and kisses 8 hours out of each day and I get what is left over. I get the privilege to see their faces light up when they discover something they didn't know. Proverbs says that we may have the plan, but the Lord is the one who guides our steps. I am so thankful for this, because the life I would have chosen for myself would have had long hours, and no family relationship.

Thank you Lord for not listening to me when I have wanted to bail out. Tomorrow may bring a horrendous day, but I know that at the end of it, I will think about the chubby hands that brought me weeds during playtime, and all the "I love yous I gave, and I will know that this is the grass I want and need to be on!

Who me?

When I first laid my eyes on D I was completley in love. I already knew all about him, but he did not know anything about me other than my brother was a friend of his. I pursued him, and he accepted the offer. He was a little bit older than me, so this was huge that he would actually take me up on my offer. We dated for a while and then we bagan to talk about our future together. Before long, I was wearing a new ring on my most important left finger! I couldn't believe it, somone actaully was foolish enough to marry me, and he says that he wants to?? All of this seems so funny now that we are almost 9 years, 2 children, 2 cats (one RIP), 1 dog, and several fish later. He is my everything. He is all that I want. He has always been what I want...but does he feel the same way? He says that he does. He tells me everyday if not many times through the day that he loves me, that I am special, and beautiful. Do I believe him? Ususally not. I have it stuck in my mind that becuase I chose him, and he did not seek me out and choose me than there must be some mistake. He must have been too nice to tell me "no", that he wansn't interested. This is crazy isn't it? What man would spend money on a ring, go through the agony of a wedding (in the middle of deer and football season), endure 2 pregnacies, moving, college, and my job pays no monetary gifts. What guy would do that? Either this guy is for real, or he has a real problem of the "Mr. nice guy syndrome". I think he is for real. As many times as I have had my breakdowns, I think he would have jumped ship along time ago.

I say all of this not to air my insecurities, but to say...why don't I believe when the evidence is right before my eyes, and has been everyday for 11 years? According to my dating record from the past, the fact that he stayed around longer than 2 weeks should have told me something. My point is is that John 15:16 says " You did not choose me, but I chose you.." (HCSB) How can this be? Why would he choose me? Why would I reject the idea that he would choose me? Why am I so bent on believing that he would not want me? If he choose not to have me, would he not have left me by now? Would he not have left me like I was so many years ago, or even like I was yesterday? Why woudl this God that I cannot see or hear want to choose me? I haven't done anything special. According to my track record from the past I apparently have not been worthy enough to be called a friend, or special, or loveable. For some reason, like Donnie he pursues me. He hangs in there with me. He doesn't leave me. I am not equating Him to D b/c D has jsut walked with me through this very persoanl journey. He has been a friend to help hold me up when I about fell. He has listened to me cry, rant, laugh, and mourn. God is the one who has done all of the work, he has just used a man who I thought didn't choose me but that I chose him. I have thought the same for the Lord. I chose Him, and therefore I am not as special b/c he didn't pursue me, but I am worng. He has been pursuing me since birth. He called me out when I was 6, and I knew that I wanted Him as a friend. Somehow I have allowed all of my belief to be lost in translation somewhere, but he has kept calling my name to return to Him and find His love....

Back in the world of blogging

1 year ago today, I wrote my very first blog. I wrote 3 and then quit. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I sent out an email to everyone on my list that I now had a blog page, and no one seemed to respond, let alone notice that I had been missing in action...for a whole year! A friend of mine updates her blog regularly , and I watch for it like it is the soap opera digest. She is across the world and so it is a wonderful way for her to be connected with her friends and family, who are also her prayer warriors. I guess I thought somehow people would "watch" for me to blog, but nope...I don't even think that they knew that I had one. What's the point I said, I am just writing to myself. So here I am again...why I don't know...but one thing is for sure no one knows that I am here or probably doesn't even care, but I am going to do it anyway. Why? I don't really know other than we are too strapped for me to afford counseling, plus I am tired of hashing it all out. This is kind of free therapy for me, only I am stuck with my own ponderings. I don't really care becasue Mary pondered things in her heart and did not tell everything she knew, so I don't have to either. When no one is listening what will it really matter.

So where have I been for the last year? I have been trying to pull myself togehter, but I am realizing the more I try to more I fail. I have been wrestling with the Lord for close to 5 years now, but He has finally taken over. He hasn't won by a TKO (total knock-out), but rather by the white flag---full surrender. I have had a really hard time surrendering, realizing that he really does care, that he wants whats best for me, that he loves me. This has been a really, really long road of unbelief, faithlessness, and fear; but I finally feel like I am getting some relief .

el alivio (relief)