Who me?

When I first laid my eyes on D I was completley in love. I already knew all about him, but he did not know anything about me other than my brother was a friend of his. I pursued him, and he accepted the offer. He was a little bit older than me, so this was huge that he would actually take me up on my offer. We dated for a while and then we bagan to talk about our future together. Before long, I was wearing a new ring on my most important left finger! I couldn't believe it, somone actaully was foolish enough to marry me, and he says that he wants to?? All of this seems so funny now that we are almost 9 years, 2 children, 2 cats (one RIP), 1 dog, and several fish later. He is my everything. He is all that I want. He has always been what I want...but does he feel the same way? He says that he does. He tells me everyday if not many times through the day that he loves me, that I am special, and beautiful. Do I believe him? Ususally not. I have it stuck in my mind that becuase I chose him, and he did not seek me out and choose me than there must be some mistake. He must have been too nice to tell me "no", that he wansn't interested. This is crazy isn't it? What man would spend money on a ring, go through the agony of a wedding (in the middle of deer and football season), endure 2 pregnacies, moving, college, and my job pays no monetary gifts. What guy would do that? Either this guy is for real, or he has a real problem of the "Mr. nice guy syndrome". I think he is for real. As many times as I have had my breakdowns, I think he would have jumped ship along time ago.

I say all of this not to air my insecurities, but to say...why don't I believe when the evidence is right before my eyes, and has been everyday for 11 years? According to my dating record from the past, the fact that he stayed around longer than 2 weeks should have told me something. My point is is that John 15:16 says " You did not choose me, but I chose you.." (HCSB) How can this be? Why would he choose me? Why would I reject the idea that he would choose me? Why am I so bent on believing that he would not want me? If he choose not to have me, would he not have left me by now? Would he not have left me like I was so many years ago, or even like I was yesterday? Why woudl this God that I cannot see or hear want to choose me? I haven't done anything special. According to my track record from the past I apparently have not been worthy enough to be called a friend, or special, or loveable. For some reason, like Donnie he pursues me. He hangs in there with me. He doesn't leave me. I am not equating Him to D b/c D has jsut walked with me through this very persoanl journey. He has been a friend to help hold me up when I about fell. He has listened to me cry, rant, laugh, and mourn. God is the one who has done all of the work, he has just used a man who I thought didn't choose me but that I chose him. I have thought the same for the Lord. I chose Him, and therefore I am not as special b/c he didn't pursue me, but I am worng. He has been pursuing me since birth. He called me out when I was 6, and I knew that I wanted Him as a friend. Somehow I have allowed all of my belief to be lost in translation somewhere, but he has kept calling my name to return to Him and find His love....