There is a Season

For some reason when I come to blog, I think I somehow have an audience out there that really reads this, but sadly, that is not the case. The only one who knows anything about what I read is God and my husband (but that is only if I read it to him; I don't have to read it to God b/c he already read it on my heart). So, since I am the only one here today, I guess I will go ahead and say my what is on my heart to the Lord b/c he is the only one who REALLY cares and knows how to fix it. Sometimes it still feels lonely to write this out, even as a prayer b/c I still receive no audible feedback. I guess that is where my need for approval comes in...I am an approval addict! So here goes:

Lord, for the past few years I feel like there has been this theme that I can't seem to shake. It follows me in my sleep, in my devotionals, through messages on the radio, songs, TV, and any other form of communication :DEATH. Oh, how I hate to even put it, but I can't seem to talk to anyone about this subject b/c no one wants to talk about it. I know there is a season to everything, but for some reason I don't' want to face this season. I don't know where this fear comes from. I fear leaving my family. I fear missing out on watching them grow. I fear missing out growing old with D. I fear seeing the world change. I fear what it will be like on the other side. Will I miss them? Will I be sad that they are here on earth? What will I do there? Will I be counting down until they join me? So many questions, and it is driving me crazy. Will it happen b/c I have been obedient so long that this is my punishment? Will it happen in order for God's plan to be pushed forward. Will it happen in order for someone to be brought to Christ? I don't fear where I will go, I just fear the where, when,why, and how. I should not put my trust in anything other than the Lord, but I am really frustrated that this is a common them in my life right now. Is the Lord trying to tell me something or teach me something? Either way, the question is...how will I respond, in obedience or anger?