A few days ago a precious friend sent me a note of encouragement and asked how she could pray for me. Well, I quickly knew what I wanted to say because it has been weighing so heavily on me for a while now and I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out if I should be praying for that specific thing or not. You see, I have been mulling over some thoughts in my mind and wondering if they are God's will for me or my will. I have been allowing myself to get caught in the trap of is this from me or from God? I am afraid that he doesn't hear me. I am afraid that he doesn't see me. I am afraid that he will ignore any request that I have or any desire that may be in my heart. I have always yearned so deeply to sit at His feet, but I have never felt like He wants me at His feet. Maybe he will hear what I have to say, but maybe my thoughts are selfish and stupid. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Can you sense the frustration? I have felt my entire life that I was the biggest waste of space, and constantly in the way. I was a natural dreamer as a child, but I was left to feel that was all they were...dreams. They would never come true, why should my dreams come true for me when they didn't come true for anyone else in my family. I was ignored alot and left to find my own path in life. I was given the responsibility to make my own choices and figure out what I was to do in a situation. I am thankful that the Lord scooped me up in His hands like a wounded baby bird and held me, but I of course jumped out of His hands to find my own way which only equals to regrets. Because I was left to make my own choices it has left me with the disability of questioning everything I do. I am trying so hard to get it right with the Lord, I just want to make sure that I am not messing anything up or leaving anything out. This is really quite pathetic to say the least. I am a last born, but have first born tendencies...go figure!

My family is highly dysfunctional. I know most families are, but mine has the hidden subtleties of being dysfunctional. You don't' see it until you have been around for a little while, and then before you know it, you don't see it anymore, and you become like the rest. I love my family, but there is one thing that has always trailed me, and pinched my nerve and that is lack of faith and hope. I am not the only one who was ignored. I am not the only one who lived with siblings who were treated as celebrities. I am not the only one who stood by every one's side only to be overlooked. I am not the only one who's hopes and dreams were crushed by critical spirits. They were too. They were just passing down what they had learned...or not learned. They had decided to hang onto their ashes instead of trading them for beauty. They had decided not to worship.

I reading 2 Samuel 13, where Tamar is raped by her brother Amnon,I have drawn many applications but one really stood out to me the most. The bible says that she lived with her brother and was a desolate woman. She gave up. She let life pass her by. She lived in the arms of her tragedy and not her Lord. If she worshipped before, did she after? My guess would be most likely not. Or if she did it was it in the comforts of her brother's home, not a family of her own? I have such sorrow for Tamar and all the others who don't choose to worship. I am right there with them at times. When I am feeling vulnerable or beaten by the world, my familiar tendencies to resort right back to the desolate places happen. I am going to have to refuse to be desolate, and choose to worship. I am going to have to get rid of the lies that God doesn't delight in me. He knows the plans he has for me, he knows the desires of my heart, he knows how it all will work out, but the question is...will I wait for Him in worship for his reply?


Worship. What does this word mean anyways? I have heard it countless times, but wasn't so sure as to what it really meant.

The Vine's Dictionary defines Worship this way: prostrate oneself, bow down. oh my goodness, did I about do a back flip. I am sure that I have heard this before, but it was not registering in my brain as though it had been there before!

When I am dry, I need worship. (bow down)
When I am hungry, I need worship (bow down)
When I am lonely, I need worship (bow down)
When I am scared, I need worship (bow down)
When I am beaten, I need worship (bow down)
When I am rejected, I need worship (bow down)
When I am prideful, I need worship
When I am broken, I need worship
When I am arrogant, I need worship
When I am defeated, I need worship
When I am angry, I need worship
When I am anxious, I need worship
When I am jealous, I need worship
When I am wrong, i need worship

In laughter, I find worship (the Lord)
In song, I find worship (the Lord)
In forgiveness, I find worship (the Lord)
In friendship, I find worship
In hospitality, I find worship
In love, I find worship
In prayer, I find worship
In serving, I find worship
In resting, I find worship



Just a few more ramblings from the hammock....