All day today I have been battling the war of "I can't say anything without effecting someone". All day no matter what I say, I am the one to blame, have to take responsibility for everything, etc. This is impossible. Being a mother is almost impossible. I am reminded more and more that what I say and how I say it will be weighed by a very intelligent kindergartner and toddler. Why is it that I can't seem to have a bad moment? If I become frustrated and let out disappointment, and notice that I have hurt someones feelings, why is it me that is always apologizing? I am learning to be careful and not let my anger rise up and take control. I have learned to hold my tongue when I want to let it spew. I have also found ways to find the positive rather than the negative, but I still fell like the whole tone of the house rests on me. Why can't I just be allowed to make mistakes and not feel like my choice will send my children running for the hills at age 18 to join a cult? I have tired so hard to not be like the generations set before me, and I think I have done pretty well so far. I am not even close to perfection...which I don't have to be. :) I am however tired of feeling like I am always under the microscope and any false move it will be detrimental to my children some how. I fear that I am tired and frustrated with myself therefore I will rub off on my kids that I am dissatisfied in someway, leading to a disorder of some kind down the road. Ugghhh....I guess I think too much and get no where but here blogging about my worries. Maybe I need to relax and just live it all out, let the Lord work it out and apologize for anything that I couldn't and shouldn't have done.

My Tribute for the Not so Perfect Mom:

I am sorry kids that I once tried to uphold the standards for myself of being perfect, but I perfectly failed. I have not always been a happy camper about my mommy duties and I think you have known...well, I am positive that you have. It has been hard to change diapers all day long, tend to endless dishes, meals, schoolwork, fighting, scrapes, interrupted bathroom breaks and many other chores of a mom. I am sorry if I have ignored you, didn't encourage you when you really needed it, didn't hear what you were really trying to say and most importantly teaching you any disrespect for your father. Please understand that I am learning as you go. I am learning just as my parents and grandparents did as they went along...praise the Lord that I haven't given up on you or me. Well, I could spend more time saying what I haven't done right, but all I can say is thank the Lord for forgiveness and new mercies every morning. As your mommy, I have done the best I could with the best tools that I have: the bible and much prayer. Thank you for enduring me as your mother, and thank you for letting me give you all my love.