Where Does My Help Come From..

Today is one of those days where I am trying to find a little bit of quiet time for myself, but one of the children doesn't want it to be that way. This is the time that I need to study for a SS lesson, read, or just get caught up on laundry and a shower, but sometimes one of my little ones wants to keep being with "mommy." I have forgotten about the many days not to long ago when I would pray "Lord, you know this paper is due in a few days and I need to get it done, will you please send an angel to sing over Emily, so I can study?" It would always amaze me time and time again how I would lay her down, and she would sleep the length of time that I needed to work! I had many people who did not feel that my going to school was something I should be doing with a baby at home.

I will agree that going to Graduate school full time, as well as a full time mom, wife, grocery shopper, house keeper, etc is not the most recommended choice for a person to manage; but I had different instructions than most people. I didn't know why I was doing all of that at that time, but the Lord did. I was an absolute wreck on the inside. I was a ticking time bomb that was about to expire. I had no clue what was really going on with me...until I was put in the pressure cooker and wine press. I felt as though everything I had ever felt or experienced growing up had been slowly cooking me on the inside. I appeared to have it all together and know everything, but on the inside the juices that were simmering were anger, rejection, frustration, pride, jealousy, resentment, anxiety...must I continue??

To give a little back story to all of this, I graduated from high school tired of the drama, lies, insecurity, and hopelessness that I allowed to pour into myself. I had many family issues which in turned grew into acting out in many ways that I am ashamed. I have been forgiven of it all, but it is still hurtful at times to know how much time has been thrown away on foolishness. I married Donnie a year into college when I was barley 20. Most all of my friends were enjoying the life of freedom and college dorms while I was trying to figure out what kind of wallpaper to put up in my kitchen. I had a very successful career in college because I discovered for the first time that I could read, write, and spell! I wasn't an idiot after all who would do little with my life. I was so proud that I had finally made it to something successful in the eyes of my family. We scraped every semester to pay for my school and I am so proud of my diligent husband b/c I was able to walk away debt free! I didn't have a brand new home to show off to my friends, but I also don't have that monkey on my back today either! My college years were wonderful because they were a time when I discovered that I could be something, and have a purpose. I didn't have to always be fighting with someone, or looking for a boyfriend. I had left it all behind even my family in search for a higher life for myself. I was very proud of my accomplishments. I had begun to discover that I could actually live a joyful life inspite of my circumstances.

When I entered into Graduate school I knew that it was major divine intervention. There was no way no how that I was going to be able to finish one semester let alone a whole degree with a new child. Now, I mentioned before that all those lovely juices had been simmering in the pressure cooker for a long, long time...well here comes the wine press. The Lord saw it high time to squeeze all of that junk out of me, and it was NOT pretty! I won't go into all of the details, but I will say that it started with the birth of my daughter and the death of my father-in-law within 11 days of each other. We had 3 weeks to prepare for his upcoming death, and 3 weeks for my upcoming delivery. Now keep in mind that my husband is the only child, and a son at that. He is the spitting image of his father in looks and actions...and here comes the first grandchild. Oh, I cannot tell you how much stress there was in our home. I didn't know whether to be excited or devastated. The day we left the hospital with Emily we went straight to the hospital to see his father. At this point his father could hardly speak, and was too weak to get out of the bed. He saw Emily and held her for the first time. He knew who he was looking at. He knew that this was his "Ms. Emily" as he called her. He would see her one last time before he passed, but he would not recognize her or Donnie, or even Donnie's mother. 2 weeks after my first Born's birth we were burying my husband's hero.

That was only the beginning of my journey through the wine press...sometimes the pain hurt so bad I wanted to numb it with much wine! I never did, b/c thankfully I knew that somewhere deep down the Lord was going to pull me through it. He has and I am eternally grateful. I have been through what feels like hell and back for me personally, but I am so thankful that I didn't stop. I believe that just like the man who discovered the river in the Grand Canyon, he had to go through many rough waters in order to come to the end and find the still waters. This is where I am today. I am in the still waters. Not that the rough ones may come again, and they will...I am just glad that I don't have to paddle with my arms by myself.