A New Season

The life in our home has recently been turned upside down. I don't know why we are in this season, but I am defiantly in the season of letting go. Letting go stinks! I guess that is why we have to choose to "let go" because in our flesh we don't want to. I am rather frustrated, confused, relieved, and grieved all at the same time. We made the decision to send my daughter to school...sigh...tear...

There are several reasons why we chose to, and I really don't want to hash them all out just yet because I am still working through this choice. Our lives have become a clean slate of some sorts. We have decided to let go of a lot of things that have become a normal routine in our family. When I first took her to school, I felt as though someone had died. I felt numb, and sometimes I still do. Of course there are questions like mad running around in my mind like "did I not do enough?" Was I not good enough?", and plenty of other lies that I could tell myself all day long.

One thing is for sure, Satan is alive and ready to take someone out, and especially someone that he knows wants to be sold out for God. Call me a fanatic, freak, or whatever...but I have lived my life in the garbage can long enough and I am tired of it. I am tired of the same old lies, addictions, and rebellious traps that I can put myself in. I don't want pity from anyone nor advice unless it is going to be productive...but how do you preface that to someone who is about to open their mouth? I could go on all day about the "helpful" advice that I have received and it is just plain annoying.

Let me just say that if someone has a loss of some kind: a job, baby, spouse, friend, church, home, etc...the last thing they want to hear is how it was probably for the best. Maybe so...but it won't be recognized until sometime in the future, some may never recognize it. Romans 8:28 says that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God..." Our heads may know this verse and we tell ourselves this out loud to others, but deep down in the corner parts of our hearts and soul do we really believe this? Do we really trust that he will work all things together for good when we have no place to live when the final eviction notice comes, or what about when you stand in the doorway of the baby nursery that you have so longed to put a baby in that crib that has sat empty for so long? What about when you are handed the pink slip at work and you have a pile of doctor bills staring you in the face?

I am facing the loss of what I considered to be my calling. I am still a wife and mother and I still stand that the same kitchen sink, but this time it is quieter. My child that I have taught her her ABC's and 123's, and much more is now in the care of someone else during the day. I don't know what the Lord plans, and I am tired of trying to figure it out. All I know is the anchor has to hold because this is one stormy season that came upon me faster than I wanted it to.

Trusting. Believing. Breathing.